Funnies/Jokes

[80-85 husky]

The REAL meaning of the Haynes instruction Manual
 
Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer anticlockwise. You do know which way is anticlockwise, don't you?
 
Haynes: Should remove easily.
Translation: Will be corroded into place ... clamp with adjustable spanner then beat repeatedly with a hammer.
 
Haynes: This is a snug fit.
Translation: You will skin your knuckles! ... Clamp with adjustable spanner then beat repeatedly with hammer.
 
Haynes: This is a tight fit.
Translation: Not a hope in hell matey! ... Clamp with adjustable spanner then beat repeatedly with hammer.
 
Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...
Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start, now you are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox.
 
Haynes: Pry...
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...
 
Haynes: Undo...
Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (industrial size).
 
Haynes: Ease ...
Translation: Apply superhuman strength to ...
 
Haynes: Retain tiny spring...
Translation: "Crikey what was that, it nearly had my eye out"!
 
Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to dig out the bayonet part and remaining glass shards.
 
Haynes: Lightly...
Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing then re-check the manual because what you are doing now cannot be considered "lightly".
 
Haynes: Weekly checks...
Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it!
 
Haynes: Routine maintenance...
Translation: If it isn't broken... it's about to be!
 
Haynes: One spanner rating (simple).
Translation: Your Mum could do this... so how did you manage to botch it up?
 
Haynes: Two spanner rating.
Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, tiny, little number... but you also thought that the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to you).
 
Haynes: Three spanner rating (intermediate).
Translation: Make sure you won't need your car for a couple of days and that your AA cover includes Home Start.
 
Haynes: Four spanner rating.
Translation: You are seriously considering this aren't you, you pleb!
 
Haynes: Five spanner rating (expert).
Translation: OK - but don't expect us to ride it afterwards!!!
Translation #2: Don't ever carry your loved ones in it again and don't mention it to your insurance company.
 
Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...
Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!
 
Haynes: Compress...
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear at, throw at the garage wall, then search for it in the dark corner of the garage whilst muttering "******" repeatedly under your breath.
 
Haynes: Inspect...
Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I thought, it's going to need a new one"!
 
Haynes: Carefully...
Translation: You are about to cut yourself!
 
Haynes: Retaining nut...
Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.
 
Haynes: Get an assistant...
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.
 
Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
Translation: But you swear in different places.
 
Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs...
Translation: Snap off...
 
Haynes: Using a suitable drift or pin-punch...
Translation: The biggest nail in your tool box isn't a suitable drift!
 
Haynes: Everyday toolkit
Translation: Ensure you have an RAC Card & Mobile Phone
 
Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
Translation: Placing your mouth near it and huffing isn't moderate heat.
Translation #2: Heat up until glowing red, if it still doesn't come undone use a hacksaw.
 
Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
Translation: Unless you have a blast furnace, don't bother. Clamp with adjustable spanner then beat repeatedly with hammer.
 
Haynes: Index
Translation: List of all the things in the book bar the thing you want to do!
 
Haynes: Remove oil filter using an oil filter chain spanner or length of bicycle chain.
Translation: Stick a screwdriver through it and beat handle repeatedly with a hammer.
 
Haynes: Replace old gasket with a new one.
Translation: I know I've got a tube of Krazy Glue around here somewhere.
 
Haynes: Grease well before refitting.
Translation: Spend an hour searching for your tub of grease before chancing upon a bottle of washing-up liquid. Wipe some congealed washing up liquid from the dispenser nozzle and use that since it's got a similar texture and will probably get you to Halfords to buy some Castrol grease.
 
Haynes: See illustration for details
Translation: None of the illustrations notes will match the pictured exploded, numbered parts. The unit illustrated is from a previous or variant model.
 
 
 
HAYNES GUIDE TO TOOLS OF THE TRADE
 
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer is nowadays used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.
 
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling mounting holes just above the brake line that goes to the rear wheel.
 
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.
 
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
 
MOLE-GRIPS/ADJUSTABLE spanner: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
 
OXYACETELENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a brake-drum you're trying to get the bearing race out of.
 
WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for for the last 15 minutes.
 
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.
 
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls in about the time it takes you to say, "F...."
 
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering car to the ground after you have installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front wing.
 
EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a car upward off a hydraulic jack.
 
TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.
 
PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbour to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.
 
SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.
 
BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.
 
TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup.
 
TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.
 
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.
 
AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
 
INSPECTION LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate as 105-mm howitzer shells during the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
 
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper- and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.
 
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a fossil-fuel burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a pneumatic impact spanner that grips rusty bolts last tightened 30 years ago by someone in Dagenham, and rounds them off.
 
PRY (CROW) BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 pence part.
 
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.
 
 
 
 
 
Engineering Terms
 
* A NUMBER OF DIFFERENT APPROACHES ARE BEING TRIED
We are still pissing in the wind.
 
 
* EXTENSIVE REPORT IS BEING PREPARED ON A FRESH APPROACH TO THE PROBLEM
We just hired three kids fresh out of college.
 
 
* CLOSE PROJECT COORDINATION
We know who to blame.
 
 
* MAJOR TECHNOLOGICAL BREAKTHROUGH
It works OK, but looks very hitech.
 
 
* CUSTOMER SATISFACTION IS DELIVERED ASSURED
We are so far behind schedule the customer is happy to get it delivered.
 
 
* PRELIMINARY OPERATIONAL TESTS WERE INCONCLUSIVE
The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch
 
 
* TEST RESULTS WERE EXTREMELY GRATIFYING
We are so surprised that the stupid thing works.
 
 
* THE ENTIRE CONCEPT WILL HAVE TO BE ABANDONED
The only person who understood the thing quit.
 
 
* ALL NEW
Parts not interchangeable with the previous design.
 
 
* RUGGED
Too damn heavy to lift!
 
 
* LIGHTWEIGHT
Lighter than RUGGED.
 
 
* YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT
One finally worked.
 
 
* LOW MAINTENANCE
Impossible to fix if broken

[80-85 husky]

probably on here somewhere......

Guy goes in an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll.
 
Guy behind the counter says , 'Male or female?'
 
Customer says , 'Female.'
 
Counter guy asks , 'Black or white?
 
Customer says , 'White.'
 
Counter guy asks , 'Christian or Muslim?'
 
Customer says , 'What the hell does religion have to do with it?'
 
Counter guy says , 'The Muslim one blows itself up!'

[kdx Geoff]

A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.
 "You know what?" says the 7 year old, "I think it's about time we started swearing."
 The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
 The 7 year old says "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm going to swear first, then you swear after me, OK?"
 "Ok" the 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
 The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast.

 "Oh, shit Mum, I s'pose I'll have some Coco Pops"

 WHACK!! - He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out. She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice,:-

 "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"

 I don't know, Mum" he blubbers,"but it won't be flucking Coco Pops."

[maxvmx]

Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is absolutely packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he asks if anyone would like him to play a request.
A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice, “Play a Jazz chord ! Play a jazz chord!”

Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie’s varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes the whole place goes wild.
The little old man jumps up again and shouts, “No, no, play a Jazz chord, play a Jazz chord.”

A bit ticked off by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise.
The little old man jumps up again. “No, no. Play a Jazz chord, play a jazz chord.”

Well and truly outraged that this little guy doesn’t seem to appreciate his playing ability, Stevie says to him from the stage, OK smart ass. You get up here and do it!”

The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the mike and starts to sing…
“A jazz chord to say I ruv you...”

[80-85 husky]

" I was leaving an unsavoury late nite venue which had a series of chrome posts sticking out of the floor when a husky voice says "your not leaving without me big boy...." so out the door with a new friend and she says " slip up to my place and we will talk about the first thing that pops up" so grab a cab and 10 mins later we are in the door of her unit.." make me a nice drink and put on some music " she purred " ill get changed"... looking good! so 10 minutes later she appears in a negligee (hooeee!!) and says "give me 9 inches and make me bleed "..
I did it 3 times and smacked her in the nose then left.....

[FourstrokeForever]

"Weird Al" Yankovic has certainly stood the test of time, must be 30 odd years now since he parodied Jackson and he still has it.

For the wordsmiths

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8Gv0H-vPoDc

The Aluminati will control your minds

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w-0TEJMJOhk

You're a visionary Geoff.....Weird Al's new album has hit #1 on the charts....

[pancho]

"Weird Al" Yankovic has certainly stood the test of time, must be 30 odd years now since he parodied Jackson and he still has it.

For the wordsmiths

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8Gv0H-vPoDc

The Aluminati will control your minds

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w-0TEJMJOhkHave a look at this Firko.

You're a visionary Geoff.....Weird Al's new album has hit #1 on the charts....

[80-85 husky]

I love this!!

Recently, a female police officer arrested Patrick LAWRENCE, a 22 year
old male, who was caught fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of
the night.
 
The next day, at the Horsham Court (Victoria, Australia), LAWRENCE was
charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency and public
intoxication.

LAWRENCE explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way
home from a drinking session, he decided to stop.
"You know how a pumpkin can be soft and squishy inside... well, there
was no one around for miles - or at least I thought there wasn't anyone
around..." he stated.

LAWRENCE went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road,
picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a
hole in it and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need.
"I s'pose I was really into it, you know?" he commented with evident
embarrassment.

In the process of doing the deed, LAWRENCE failed to notice an
approaching police car and was unaware of his audience, until Senior
Constable Brenda TAYLOR approached him.

'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said Senior Constable
TAYLOR,
'I walked up to LAWRENCE - and he's just banging away at this
pumpkin...'

Senior Constable TAYLOR went on to describe what happened when she
approached LAWRENCE...
"I said; 'Excuse me sir, why are you having sex with a pumpkin?"

"LAWRENCE froze.
He was clearly very surprised that I was there, but then he looked me
straight in the eye and said,
'A pumpkin? Shit - is it midnight already?"

The court (and the magistrate) could not contain their mirth.

[Richo52]

That's funny about the pumpkin.....she ended up a vegetable I believe ;-)

[pancho]

C'mon 80-85 husky  Put it on facebook!

[80-85 husky]

Help yourself Pancho  im not on face book (and never will be ) insidious device it is.

[Frank M]

My wife got the sexiest ass on earth.



Me 

[80-85 husky]

he haw he haw..he halways says that

[FourstrokeForever]

Help yourself Pancho  im not on face book (and never will be ) insidious device it is.

I'm with you 100%

[80-85 husky]

this just in....

A man escapes from a prison where he’s been locked up for 15 years.
He breaks into a house and inside, he finds a young couple in bed.
He ties him to a chair. While tying the wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
 
While he’s in there, the husband whispers over to his wife,
“Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He’s probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years.
I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain. Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!”
 
She responds: “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he’s gay, thinks you’re cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too.”