Author Topic: Funnies/Jokes  (Read 662353 times)

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Offline Mick D

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #2235 on: September 16, 2014, 07:40:52 pm »
A Queensland farmer drove to a neighbours' farmhouse in his Holden ute, and knocked at the door.
A boy, about 9, opened the door
"Is your Dad or your mum home?" said the farmer.
"No, they went to town."   
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"No, he went with Mum and Dad."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other,and mumbling to himself.
"I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message."
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter Susie pregnant".
The boy thought for a moment..."You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the pig, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."
"light weight, and it works great"  :)

Offline FourstrokeForever

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #2236 on: September 19, 2014, 10:30:38 am »
"I am truly perplexed that so many of my friends are against another mosque being built in Australia.


I think it should be the goal of every Australian to be tolerant regardless of their religious beliefs.
Thus the mosque should be allowed, in an effort to promote tolerance.

That is why I also propose that two nightclubs be opened next door to the mosque, thereby promoting tolerance from within the mosque.


We could call one of the clubs, which would be gay, "The Turban Cowboy" and the other a topless bar called "You Mecca Me Hot."

Next door should be a butcher shop that specializes in pork, and adjacent to that an open-pit barbecue pork restaurant, called "Iraq of Ribs."

Across the street there could be a lingerie store called "Victoria Keeps Nothing Secret" with sexy mannequins in the window modelling the goods.


Next door to the lingerie shop there would be room for an adult sex toy shop, "Koranal Knowledge," its name in flashing neon lights, and on the other side a liquor store called " Morehammered ."


All of this would encourage Muslims to demonstrate the tolerance they demand of us, so their mosque issue would not be a problem for others."

Yes, we should promote tolerance, and you can do your part by passing this on.

And if you are not laughing or smiling at this point... It is either past your bedtime, or it's midnight at the oasis and time to put your camel to bed!!!!
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Offline Stewart Allen

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #2237 on: September 19, 2014, 10:53:54 am »
That's gold TBM
CHEERS STEWART

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Offline 80-85 husky

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #2238 on: September 19, 2014, 05:22:59 pm »
it makes me wonder why... oops ive got to be tolerant ;D

Offline 80-85 husky

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #2239 on: September 22, 2014, 01:33:06 pm »
Heard the one about the truckie been on the road for three weeks???

 Anyhow he pulls in at Kalgoorlie and wanders down to the red light district
 and says to the Madam "for $500 Luv, I want your ugliest hooker and a burnt chop"

 Madam says

"For $500 you can have a three course meal and any of the young and nubile hookers on the premises"

 Truckie says "

that Ok but I am not horny just homesick!!!"

Offline FourstrokeForever

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #2240 on: September 22, 2014, 01:47:45 pm »
Heard the one about the truckie been on the road for three weeks???

 Anyhow he pulls in at Kalgoorlie and wanders down to the red light district
 and says to the Madam "for $500 Luv, I want your ugliest hooker and a burnt chop"

 Madam says

"For $500 you can have a three course meal and any of the young and nubile hookers on the premises"

 Truckie says "

that Ok but I am not horny just homesick!!!"

 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
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Offline William Doe

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #2241 on: September 22, 2014, 02:27:45 pm »
That's awesome  ;D  ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Its only old bike racing FFS get over yourselves





The Artist formerly known as TM Bill

Offline 80-85 husky

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #2242 on: October 02, 2014, 01:44:47 pm »
Gun Shop...

When I was ready to pay for my bullets and gun powder, the cashier at the gun store said, 
 
 "Strip down, facing me."
 
Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control whackos running amok, I did just as she had instructed.
 
When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to how I should place my credit card in the card-reader.
 
I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future. They need to make their instructions to us  Seniors a little clearer
 
I still don't think I looked that bad.
 

Offline kdx Geoff

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #2243 on: October 07, 2014, 10:43:41 am »

Some advice for the for the younger man  ;D

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Offline MauriceR

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #2244 on: October 26, 2014, 05:58:09 am »
A little old lady went into the headquarters of the Bank of America one day, carrying a large bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, “It’s a lot of money!”
The receptionist objected, stating, “You can’t just walk in here and expect to see the president of the Bank of America. He’s a very busy man.”
“But I am here to make a very large cash deposit,” added the old woman.
The receptionist momentarily looked at the sack of money, then walked back to one of the rear offices. She came back and said, “You’re in luck this morning, he will see you,” and ushered her in to see the president of the Bank of America.
When she walked in to a large office with a nicely tailored man behind a great oaken desk. The bank president stood up and asked, “How can I help you?”
She replied, “I would like to open a savings account,” and placed the bag of money on his desk.
“How much would you like to deposit?” he asked curiously.
“$180,000, if you please,” and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk.
The President was surprised to see all this cash, so he asked her, “Ma’am, I’m surprised you’re carrying so much cash around, especially a woman at your stage in life. Where did you come by this kind of money?”
The old lady coyly replied, “I make bets.” Surprised, the president then asked, “Bets? What kind of bets?” The old woman said, “Well, for example, I’ll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square.”
“What?!” cried the man, “you want to bet me $25,000 that my balls, my testicles, are square?” He could hardly hold back from laughing.
“Yes, you heard me. In fact, by ten o’clock tomorrow morning, I’ll bet you $25,000 that your balls will be square.”
The man smiled broadly, thinking he had a live one. “You’ve got yourself a bet!” and shook her hand.
The little old lady then said, “Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 a.m. as a witness?”
“Sure!” replied the confident president.
That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.
The next morning, at precisely 10:00 a.m., the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president’s office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: “$25,000 says the president’s balls are square!”
The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them.
“Well, Okay,” said the president, obviously embarrassed. Thinking to himself, “$25,000 is a lot of money, I guess it’s okay.” He then said, “Yes, $25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure.”
As the old woman started to feel the banker’s testicles, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall.
The president asked the old lady, “What the hell’s the matter with your lawyer?” The old lady replied, “Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 a.m. today, I’d have the balls of the president of the Bank of America in my hands.”

Offline matcho mick

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #2245 on: November 11, 2014, 10:11:32 pm »
 
 
Paddy spies a letter lying on his doormat. It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND". Paddy spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.


 

 
Paddy shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor. "No", shouts Paddy, "this is her husband!"


 

 
An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable. His wife says "Why don't you put an advert in the paper?" He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing. "What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks. "Here boy" he replies.


 

 
Paddy's in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet. "What on earth you doing?" he asks. "Hanging myself" Paddy replies. "It should be around your neck" says the Guard. "I know" says Paddy "but I couldn't breathe."


 

 
An answer I can understand. An American tourist asks an Irishman: "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?" To which the Irishman replies: They have to go backwards. If they fell forwards, they'd still be in the boat."


 

 
And saving the best 'til last ... Paddy rings his new girlfriend's door bell, with a big bunch of flowers. She opens the door, sees the flowers, and drags him in. She lies back on the couch, pulls her skirt up, rips her knickers off and says 'This is for the flowers!' 'Don't be silly,' says Paddy, 'You must have a vase somewhere
 

work,the curse of the racing class!!
if a hammer dosn't fix it,you have a electrical problem!!

Offline matcho mick

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #2246 on: November 11, 2014, 10:15:21 pm »


An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day
he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.

He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'

 

work,the curse of the racing class!!
if a hammer dosn't fix it,you have a electrical problem!!

Offline FAT-TOY

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #2247 on: November 17, 2014, 06:45:13 pm »
Keep this in mind the next time you are about to repeat a rumour or spread gossip.

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom
One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?"
"Wait a moment," Socrates replied, "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."
'Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance.
"That's right," Socrates continued, "Before you talk to me about Diogenes let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say.. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
"No," the man said, "Actually I just heard about it."
"All right," said Socrates, "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about Diogenes something good?"
"No, on the contrary..."
"So," Socrates continued, "You want to tell me something about Diogenes that may be bad, even though you're not certain it's true?"
The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued, "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter, the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about Diogenes going to be useful to me?"
"No, not really."
"Well," concluded Socrates, "If what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even useful, why tell it to me or anyone at all?"
The man was bewildered and ashamed. This is an example of why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why Socrates never found out that Diogenes was shagging his wife.
Everyday I find one more name to add to the list of people who piss me off.

Offline 80-85 husky

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #2248 on: November 18, 2014, 10:20:25 am »
Today I decided to go to the local Mosque for a first time. 
 
I sat down and the Iman came up to me, laid his hands on my hand and said by the will of Allah the Mighty and the Prophet Mohamed you will walk today. ???
 
I told him I was not paralysed.
 
Ten minutes later he came back and laid his hands on me again and repeated the same thing.
 
Again I told him there is nothing wrong with me.  ::)

After the prayers I stepped outside and, lo and behold, my bike had been stolen. >:(

Offline 80-85 husky

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #2249 on: December 04, 2014, 03:44:50 pm »
This morning I was in luck and was able to buy two boxes of "VIC BITTER" cheap at the local Bottle Shop.

I placed the boxes on the front seat and headed back home.
I stopped at a service station where a drop-dead gorgeous sheila in a short skirt was filling up her car at the next pump.

She glanced at the two boxes of beer, bent over and leaned in my passenger window, and said in a sexy voice,
"I'm a big believer in Barter, handsome. Would you be interested in trading sex for beer?"
.
.
.

I thought for a few seconds and asked, "What kind of beer 'ya got?" 8)