Funnies/Jokes

[FourstrokeForever]

Hahahahaha...now that is funny 

[FAT-TOY]

    Two mates were talking about how to pick up chicks.  First bloke tells the other that when he goes to the pool the next day he should put a couple of spuds down inside his speedo's to attract them.  Later on the next day they meet up for a beer and the second bloke says, that was a stupid idea with the potatoes, every time I tried to talk to a girl they took off.  His mate then told him maybe next time he should put them down the front.
     Zane

[tony27]

How to replace a powerband, maybe it should be in the tech section 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P-jX9mJfbps&app=desktop

[MauriceR]

[William Doe]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=nQT31Noq1eE

[SlideRulz]

Sorry gents, I don't have anything funny to say right now.
Does anyone out there know how Graham ( MX250  ) is going?
He started this topic off many moons ago but sadly lost interest in the forum a few years ago.

[matcho mick]

 
A group of 15 year old boys discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at the McDonald's next to Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because they only had six dollars among them, they could ride their bikes there and Jennie Webster, that cute girl in Social Studies, lives on the same street and they might see her.


Ten years later, the group of now 25 year old guys discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the beer was cheap, the bar had free snacks, the house band was good, there was no cover charge and there were lot of cute girls.


Ten years later, at 35 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was decided they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the booze was good, it was near their gym and, if they went late enough, there wouldn't be too many whiny little kids.


Ten years later, at 45, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the martinis were big and the waitresses wore tight pants.


Ten years later, now 55, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the prices were reasonable, they have a nice wine list and fish is good for your cholesterol.

Ten years later, at 65 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the lighting was good and they have an early bird special.


Ten years later, at 75 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the food was not too spicy, and the restaurant was handicapped accessible.

Ten years later, at 85 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because they had never been there before.

 
     

[matcho mick]

http://vimeo.com/moogaloop.swf?clip_id=22984504&server=vimeo.com&show_title=0&show_byline=0&show_portrait=0&color=00adef&fullscreen=1&autoplay=1&loop=0

[Purple Dave]

Ok Mick, will meet you today at Captain Jack's for the Early Bird Special !!.........

[pancho]

[Turtle.Inc]

Little Johnny sitting in class minding his own business and the teacher comes out with the I give you a word and I want you to put it in a sentence.

She singles out little Mary first off and gives her the word Beautiful. Little Mary says " that's easy Miss, my mum and dad went out for tea the other night and my mum looked beautiful" The teacher says well done Mary

Next she picks out little Sally and gives her the word Gorgeous. Little Sally says " that's easy Miss, my mum and dad went out for tea the other night also and my mum looked Gorgeous " The teacher says well done Sally but little closely resembles Mary's sentence.

She then reluctantly picks little Johnny and gives him the word, "Urinate" Little Johnny says after giving it a bit of thought "that's a real easy one Miss. Johnny looks her in the eye and says, my dad says urinate, but if ya had bigger boobs, you'd be a ten" 

[80-85 husky]

The Pharmacist's Monday Morning


 Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife.
 Tearfully she explained, "It's the Chemist. He insulted me terribly
 this morning on the phone".
 "I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone."

 Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the Chemist and
 demand an apology.
 Before he could say more than a word or two, the Chemist said,
 "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it.
 This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up.
 I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize
 that I'd locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had
 to break a window to get my keys."
 "Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when
 I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire."
 "When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me
 to open up.
 I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, all the
 time the darn phone was ringing off the hook."
 He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash
 register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor.
 I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels and the
 phone was still ringing.
 When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made
 me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on
 it.
 Half of them hit the floor and broke."
 "Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally
 got back to answer it".
 It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer......

 And believe me, mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her."

[matcho mick]

 

God was missing for six days.
Eventually, Michael, the archangel,
found him, resting on the seventh day.

He inquired, ---
"Where have you been?"

God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds,
---- "Look, Michael.
Look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, ----
"What is it?"

"It's a planet,"
--- replied God,
--- and I've put life on it.
I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test
'Balance.'"

"Balance?"
--- inquired Michael, ----
"I'm still confused."

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth.


"For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor.


Over here I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people.
Balance in all things..."

God continued pointing to different countries. ---


"This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, ---


"What's that one?"

"That's Canowindra, the most glorious place on earth.


There are beautiful trees and gardens, a beautiful river, and days filled with sunshine.


The people from Canowindra are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world.
They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of good things."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, ---


"But what about balance, God?


You said there would be 'balance.'"

God smiled and said, ---


"I have created Canberra
Wait and see the idiots I've put there."!!!!!!!...............


 
 

[matcho mick]

 


A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from the Gold Coast when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the car and asked, 'Are you going to the Gold Coast?'   
 
'Sure,' answered the blonde, 'do you need a lift?'
 
'Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the Gold Coast Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day.

Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me?  I'll give you $100 for your trouble..'     

'I'd be happy to,' said the blonde.
 
So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.
 
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of the Gold Coast when suddenly he was horrified!! There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.

With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde. 'What the heck are you doing here?' he demanded, 'I ga ve you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo.'

'Yes, I know you did,' said the blonde,' but we had money left over - so now we're going to SeaWorld

 

[80-85 husky]

I love this one...

Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy who has a broken leg.
Paddy says, "Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?"
"No bother," he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy's two stunning 19 year old twin daughters sitting on their beds.
"Hello dere girls, your Da' sent me up here to shag ya both."
"Fook off you liar!" They say together
"I'll prove it," Murphy says. So he shouts down the stairs, "Both of dem, Paddy?"
"Of course” say Paddy, “what's the use of fookin' one?"