Funnies/Jokes

[reg]

Haha,  gold Mick

[FAT-TOY]

Subject: a little Political Humour
Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
 
    
    
Greens Senator, Sarah Hanson-Young, is touring live cattle export yards in the Senator's chauffeur driven car.
Suddenly a cow jumps out into the road; they hit it full on and the car comes to a stop.
      Sarah in her usual jaunty manner, says to the chauffeur "You get out and check - you were driving"
      The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead.
      "You were driving, go and tell  the farmer " says Sarah, "I can't afford to be blamed for anything"
      The chauffeur walks up the drive to the farmhouse and returns five hours later totally plastered, his hair ruffled and with a big grin on his face.
      "My god, what happened to you?" asks Sarah.
      The chauffeur replies; "When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of single malt whiskey. The wife gave me a slap up meal and the daughter made love to me. "
      "What on earth did you say?" asks Sarah
      "I knocked on the door and when it answered, I said to them I'm Sarah Hanson-Young's chauffeur and I've just killed the cow."

[FAT-TOY]

A civil engineer died and went to Hell. Dissatisfied with the level of comfort available, he started designing things and making improvements all over the place. After a while, the engineer was a pretty popular bloke.
 
One day God rang  and asked Satan, "How is it down there?"
 
Satan replies, "Excellent!. We have air-conditioning, flushing toilets and escalators. I have no idea what this engineer is going to do next."
 
God was horrified. "What! You have an engineer? That is a mistake - he should not be down there under any circumstances! You know all engineers go straight to Heaven. Send him up here!"
 
Satan replied, "You must be joking! I like having an engineer on my staff. I am keeping him."
 
God thundered, "Send him back up here or I will sue your arse off."
 
"Funny bugger," Satan laughed, "and where are you going to get a lawyer?"
 
 
 
 
 

[FAT-TOY]

Who can you trust!!!!!!!!!!!

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out
of $10,000,000.00
 His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first
place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would not
have to testify in court.
 When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he
takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, "Where's the
money?"
Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are
talking about"
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him
again or I'll kill him!"
 
The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."
Guido trembles and signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown
briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house.
The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"
The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

Don't you just love lawyers?

[80-85 husky]

excellent!

[Oldfart]

lol

[FAT-TOY]

Love This Monty Python clip.   (100 mtr dash for people with no sense of direction)
           https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bYvbaqfq9mI

[80-85 husky]

monica Lewinsky has commented on Hillary Clinton as presidential candidate... "the last time Hillary was in charge she gave me a job but I blew it...."

I wont vote for a Clinton government, the last one left me with a bad taste in my mouth....

bu bow....

[FAT-TOY]

My neighbour knocked on my door this morning at 2:30am
  Can you believe that?

Lucky for him I was still up playing my drums.
                                      Zane

[FAT-TOY]

  If three people have sex it's called a threesome
  If two people have sex it's called a twosome
  Now I understand why they call you handsome

          Zane

[FAT-TOY]

  I'm in a good place right now.
        Not emotionally.
  I'm just up at the bottle shop.

  A mate was up the pub last night having a few beers.
  The barmaid yelled out anyone know CPR
  My mate raised his hand and said "I Do" in fact I know the whole alphabet.
  Well he said we all laughed and laughed. Oh except for this one guy.

   Zane

[1983_Enduro_YAMI]

What made Bad Brad give the reds, the blues???

The Kawasaki Greens.


(Not a Kawasaki fan at all but its funny) 

[FAT-TOY]

Lonely Hearts

 

Bad-tempered, foul mouthed old bastard
 living in a damp cottage in the arse end
 of 'no-where' seeks attractive 21 year old
 lady with big tits.

NO TIME WASTERS

[xel93]

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in the RSL Club. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.
 Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
 After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake!!..

[skypig]

Donald and Hillary Go Into A Bakery on the Campaign Trail
As soon as they enter the bakery, Hillary steals three pastries and puts them in her pocket.

She says to Donald, "See how clever I am?
The owner didn't see anything and I don't even need to lie.”
I will definitely win the election.

Donald says to Hillary, "That's the typical dishonesty you have displayed throughout your entire life, trickery and deceit.
I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result."

Donald goes to the owner of the bakery and says, "Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick."

Intrigued, the owner accepts and gives him a pastry.
Trump swallows it and asks for another one. The owner gives him another one.
Then Donald asks for a third pastry and eats that, too.

The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and asks,"What did you do with the pastries?"

Trump replies, "Look in Hillary's pocket".