Funnies/Jokes

[FAT-TOY]

WOMEN WHO KNOW THEIR PLACE
 
 Barbara Walters, of 20/20, did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan,
several years before the Afghan conflict.
 
She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.
She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind
their husbands. Despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the
women now seem happy to maintain the old custom.
 
Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, 'Why do you now
seem happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?'
 
The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said,” Land mines."
 
Moral of the story is (no matter what language you speak or where you go):
 
BEHIND EVERY MAN, THERE'S A SMART WOMAN
                                                                     
 

 

[FAT-TOY]

Amazing word lesson
This is the best, most interesting English lesson I have had to date.
Did you know "listen" and "silent" use the same letters?
Do you know that the word "racecar" spelled backwards still spells "racecar"?
And that "eat" is the only word that if you take the first letter and move it to the last, it spells its past tense "ate"?
Have you noticed that if you rearrange the letters in "illegal immigrants," and add just a few more letters, it spells: "Go home you free-loading, benefit- grabbing, resource-sucking, non-English-speaking assholes and take those other hairy-faced, sandal-wearing, bomb-making, camel-riding, goat-shagging, raggedy-ass bastards with you."
How weird is that?

[80-85 husky]

Heart warming xmas story....

A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot. One day, a gang of building workers turned up to start building on the plot.

 

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.

 

She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

 

They even gave the child her very own hard hat and gloves, which thrilled her immensely.

 

At the end of the first week, the smiling builders presented her with a pay envelope - containing $10 in 50c coins. The little girl took her 'pay' home to her mother who suggested that they take the money to the bank the next day to open a savings account.

 At the bank, the female cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact she had a 'pay packet'.

 'You must have worked very hard to earn all this', said the cashier.

 The little girl proudly replied, 'Yes, I worked every day with Steve and Wayne and Mike. We're building a big house.'

 'My goodness gracious,' said the cashier, 'And will you be working on the house again next week?'

 The child thought for a moment. Then she said seriously:

 'I think so. Provided those wankers at Boral deliver the forking bricks on time.'

[matcho mick]

A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift.

The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The KEY," where a small key is placed on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift.

Of course, the woman wanted "The Key."

Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the key, and the effects were wonderful -- the woman remained young looking and vibrant.

After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.

"All these years, everything has been working just fine.  I've had to turn the key and I've always loved the results.  But now I've developed two annoying problems:  First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the key won't get rid of them."

The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts."


 

She said, "No point asking about the beard then..........."

 

[FAT-TOY]

        Funny

          http://www.youtube.com/embed/2kpjnGWPmj0

[matcho mick]

 
Late in the night, the Biker finally regained consciousness. He was in the hospital, agonizing in pain.
He found himself in the ICU with tubes in his nose, needles and IV drips in every arm, a breathing mask, wires monitoring every function and a gorgeous nurse hovering over him.
He realised he was obviously in a life-threatening situation. 

The nurse gave him a serious, deep look, straight into the eyes, and he heard her slowly say, "You may not feel anything from the waist down."

Somehow he managed to mumble in reply, "Can I feel your tits, then?"
 

[80-85 husky]

A bloke was standing at a bar and a beautiful woman was beside
him so he leans over and says,
"You remind me of my little toe"
She replies, "What? You Mean I'm small and cute?"
He says, "No. I’ll probably bang you on the coffee table later when I'm drunk."

[FAT-TOY]

A magician is entertaining the residents in a old peoples home.  Standing in front of them he pulls a gold fob watch from his pocket, then as he sways it from side to side he tells the audience that the watch is a heirloom that has been in his family for 4 generations.  At that moment the watch chain broke and the watch crashed to the floor, the magician says Oh Shit.
   Took the staff 3 days to clean the room.
                                                              Zane

[FAT-TOY]

Social pressures are forcing people to cut back on their sleep, contributing to a "global sleep crisis", according to new research collected through a smartphone app.”

I am leading a campaign to eliminate this scourge from our society and I believe the untapped potential of seniors can make a huge difference. To this end I am suggesting a campaign based on the following three point plan:

1.   Take at least one hour longer to get out of bed and read the morning news.
2.   Take a midday “Nanna Nap” at least 5 times a week.
3.   Fall asleep in the sunshine on the front porch when trying to read the paper.

As you pass this onto other enthusiastic pensioners the three point plan can be added to by creative solutions to rid this scourge from our society and ensure the health and well-being of our elders in society.

Footnote: Politicians falling asleep in parliament DOES NOT qualify as part of this ground swell movement.

Please pass this on as part of the “Grey Power” movement.

[xel93]

The apprentice grave digger was hard at work down near beethoven's grave and as he dug deeper he started to hear odd sort of music.  At first he thought it was a nearby radio but as he dug deeper it got louder.  He was getting nervous and looking around trying to work out where this odd music was coming from.  It got too much and he threw down his shovel and ran back to his supervisor.   He was a bit embarrassed but he blurted out to the supervisor. 
The supervisor looked at him and asked "what was the music like."
The apprentice said" a bit like Beethoven's 9th but backwards"
"Ah" said the supervisor " that is just Beethoven decomposing"

[80-85 husky]

maybe on here already but....

"As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home.
In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's....The landlord goes out of his
way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."

"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London, the Red Lion, the
barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."
 
"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said Paddy Sheehan, the Irishman. "Back home in me
favorite pub in Galway, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink,
then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks,
they'll take you upstairs and see dat you get laid, all on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. "Did this actually happen to you?"
 
"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."

[80-85 husky]

When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.


 When I was 16 I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no
 passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.


 At Uni I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.
 Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time
 and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.


 When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was
 totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became
 so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.


 When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with
 her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything.
 She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy.
 She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So
 I decided to find a girl with some real ambition..


 When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted
 firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she
 divorced me and took everything I owned.


I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big tits.

[FAT-TOY]

It's all in the translation.
 
There was this Chinese girl at a travel agency when I was in Hong Kong.
I asked her if she could escort me for a city tour and asked for her mobile number, so I could call her to make arrangements.
She got excited and said: "Sex sex sex, wan free sex for to nigh"
Wow, I thought I'm guessing this is how Chinese women express their hospitality!
But then my friend interpreted it for me.
He told me what she really said was 666136429

$5 says you will read this again - and again!
                                                                     Zane

[KTMaico]

Not everyone will get this joke, but maybe a few will..........

Three Chinese guys, Who, Foo and Choo move to India.
After a few months none of them had a job and decided
that they would have better luck if they all changed their
names to more Indian sounding names. So Who became
Whothia, Foo became Foothia and Choo went back to China.

Cracks me up every time. 

[matcho mick]

Two Irishmen flew to  Canada   on a hunting trip. They chartered a small plane to take them into the Rockies  for a week hunting moose.

They managed to bag 6. As they were loading the plane to return, the Pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose.

The two lads objected strongly. "Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours."

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. The plane took off. However, while attempting to cross some mountains, even on full power,
The little plane couldn't handle the load and went down.

Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, only Paddy and Mick survived the crash.

After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, "Any idea where we are?"

Mick replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."