Author Topic: Funnies/Jokes  (Read 662942 times)

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Offline Daryl Jones

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #2280 on: March 11, 2015, 08:53:40 pm »
I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her........and she fell over.
Life's too short not to try to do Everything.

"First they tell you you're wrong, and they can prove it.
Then they tell you you're right, but it's not important.
Then they tell you it is important, but they knew it all along."
Charles Kettering.

Offline MauriceR

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #2281 on: March 17, 2015, 03:56:28 am »
                Sarcasm of the Day

                 

                1. I’m not saying let’s go kill all the stupid people. I’m just saying let’s remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out.

                2. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.

                3. You can tell a lot about a woman’s mood just by her hands. If they are holding a gun, she’s probably angry.

                4. Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.

                5. You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone? That’s common sense leaving your body.

                6. I don’t like making plans for the day because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around a lot in the courtroom.

                7. I didn’t make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.

                8. I decided to change calling the bathroom the "John" and renamed it the "Jim". I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

                9. Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers. If you find one, what’s your plan?

                10. Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.

 


Offline 80-85 husky

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #2282 on: March 17, 2015, 08:14:33 pm »
A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life. 
 
She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband sipping a glass of wine.
 
At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs wide enough that her husband asks, "Are you wearing crotchless panties?"
 
"Y-e-s," she answers with a seductive smile.
 
"Thank God - I thought you were sitting on the cat."
 
He never saw the glass coming.

Offline William Doe

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #2283 on: April 22, 2015, 11:07:12 pm »
Its only old bike racing FFS get over yourselves





The Artist formerly known as TM Bill

Offline Daryl Jones

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #2284 on: April 23, 2015, 10:45:47 pm »
Wish I'd seen that years ago. 

I spent far, far too much time playing in the Danger Zone  ;)

cheers, DJ
Life's too short not to try to do Everything.

"First they tell you you're wrong, and they can prove it.
Then they tell you you're right, but it's not important.
Then they tell you it is important, but they knew it all along."
Charles Kettering.

Offline evo550

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #2285 on: April 23, 2015, 11:08:40 pm »
 ;D Unicorn Zone....that's gold.

Offline Colin Jay

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #2286 on: April 24, 2015, 08:45:22 am »
Unfortunately, I have to admit that I have been out with a "girl" that was above 8 hot and below 2 crazy.
Why do things the easy way, when with a bit of effort you can really make it difficult for yourself!!

Offline FAT-TOY

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #2287 on: April 24, 2015, 10:31:28 pm »

   Was her name Ralph
Everyday I find one more name to add to the list of people who piss me off.

Offline FAT-TOY

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #2288 on: May 01, 2015, 04:44:16 pm »

> Subject: Grandfather of the Year
>
>
>
> A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his
> badly behaved grandson. He has his hands full with the child
> screaming for sweets, biscuits, and all sorts of things.
>
>
> The grandfather is saying in a controlled voice: "Easy, William, we
> won't be long". Another outburst and she hears the grandfather calmly say,
>
>
> "It's okay William. Just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of
> here. Hang in there”.
>
> At the checkout the little horror is throwing items out of the cart.
> Grandfather says again in a controlled voice,
>
> "William, relax buddy, don't get upset.
> We'll be home in five minutes, stay cool William."
>
> Very impressed, the woman goes outside to where the grandfather is loading
> his groceries and the boy into the car.
>
> She says, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I
> don't know
> how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter
> how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying that things
> would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandfather."
>
> "Thanks," says the grandfather, "but I am William,
>
> this little arsehole's name is Timmy".
Everyday I find one more name to add to the list of people who piss me off.

Offline Andrew L

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #2289 on: May 03, 2015, 04:28:49 pm »
This is more of an interesting fact than a funny

Did you know that in 1866 a New Zealander invented the condom using sheep intestines but
it wasn't until 1869 that an Australian perfected the condom by removing the intestine
from the sheep first.
"You have not made any mistakes if you find extra pieces after assembling an object. In fact you have just found a way to make the object more efficient."

Offline 80-85 husky

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #2290 on: May 04, 2015, 11:25:13 am »
A guy walked into a crowded bar, waving his 1911 Colt  pistol and yelled,
"I have a .45 Colt with an eight shot clip and I want to know who's been screwing my wife?"
A voice from the back of the room called out ........
.
.
.
.

"You'll need more ammo!”

Offline FAT-TOY

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #2291 on: May 10, 2015, 03:36:54 pm »
My neighbor was working in his yard when he was startled by a late-model car that came crashing through his hedge and ended up in his front lawn.  He rushed to help an elderly lady driver out of the car and sat her down on a lawn chair.  He said with excitement, "You appear quite elderly to be driving."

 

"Well, yes, I am," she replied proudly. "I'll be 97 next month, and I am now old enough that I don't even need a driver's license anymore."

 

He asked "How do you know?"

 

"The last time I went to my doctor, he examined me and asked if I had a driver's license.  I told him, yes and handed it to him.  He took scissors out of the drawer, cut the license into pieces, and threw them in the waste basket, saying, 'You won't need this anymore.'  So I thanked him and left!"

Everyday I find one more name to add to the list of people who piss me off.

Offline MauriceR

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #2292 on: June 11, 2015, 03:24:14 am »
A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a ...case of Miller Lite and puts it in their cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife. 'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans', he replies. 'Put them back, it's a waste of money', demands the wife, and so he does and they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along, the woman picks up a $20 jar of ...face cream and puts it in the basket.

What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband... "It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Miller Lite and it's half the price....'

HUSBAND DOWN, AISLE 7 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Offline 80-85 husky

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #2293 on: June 17, 2015, 09:15:18 am »
Sign of the times?

Registration on the first day back at school.....

 

Ahmed Al Sheriah?

“here”


Mustafa Al Sheriah?

“here”


 

Fatima El Bindiri?

“here”


 

Ali Acmah Shabeeb?

“here”


 

Ali Sun Al En?


 

No answer

 

Ali Sun Al En?


 

No answer


 

Ali Sun Al En?


 

Little girl at the back stands up and says

“It’s pronounced Alison Allen, for f**k’s sake.”

Offline FourstrokeForever

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #2294 on: June 17, 2015, 09:49:40 am »
^^^^ ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D^^^^

Arrogance.....A way of life for the those that having nothing further to learn.