Funnies/Jokes

[80-85 husky]

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plonks  down into a chair.
 
 
She lets out  a sigh heavy with frustration.

"What troubles you,  Sister?" asks the Mother Superior.
"I thought this was  the day you spent with your family."

"It was," sighed  the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother. 
We try to play golf as  often as we can.
You know I was quite a talented  golfer before I devoted my life to Christ." 

"I seem to  recall that," the Mother Superior agreed.
"So I take it your day of recreation  was not relaxing?"
"Far from it," snorted the  Sister.
"In fact, I even took the Lord's  name in vain today!"
"Goodness, Sister!" gasped the  Mother Superior, astonished.
"You must tell me all  about it!"

"Well, we were on the fifth tee... and  this hole is a monster 540 yard Par 5,
with a nasty dogleg left and a  hidden green and I hit the drive of my life. 
I creamed it. The sweetest  swing I ever made..
And it's flying straight and true,  right along the line I wanted...
and it hits a bird in mid-flight not  100 yards off the tee!"

"Oh my!" commiserated the  Mother. "How unfortunate! 
But  surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!"

"No,  that wasn't it," admitted Sister.
"While I was still trying to fathom  what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the  woods,
grabs my ball and runs off down the  fairway!"

"Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!"  sympathised Mother.

"But I didn't, Mother Superior!"  sobbed the Sister.
"And I was so proud of  myself!
And while I was pondering whether  this was a sign from God,
this hawk swoops out of the  sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, 
with  my ball still clutched in its paws!"

"So that's when  you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing  smile.

"Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the  Sister, anguished,
"because as the hawk started to fly  out of sight,
the  squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped it right  there on the green,
and the ball popped out of its paws  and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!"

Mother  Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her  chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and  said..."You missed the forking putt, didn't  you?"

[FAT-TOY]

Subject: Car Keys- PRICELESS!!

 
They weren't in my pockets.  Suddenly I realized I must have left them in  the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot.  My husband has  scolded me many times for leaving my keys in the car's ignition.  He's  afraid that the car could be stolen. As I looked around the parking lot, I  realized he was right. The parking lot was empty. I immediately called the  police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the  car, and  that it had been stolen.

 
  Then  I made the most difficult call of all to my husband:"I  left my keys in the car and it's been stolen."

  There  was a moment of silence. I thought the call had been disconnected, but then  I heard his voice."Are you kidding me?"  he barked, "I  dropped you off!"
sid
 
Now  it was my turn to be silent.  Embarrassed, I said, "Well,  come and get me."

 
  He  retorted,"I will,  as soon as I convince this cop that I didn't steal your damn car!"

  Welcome to the golden  years...   

[tony27]

Pet Diaries:
 Excerpts from a Dog's Diary:
 * 8:00 am - Dog food! My favourite thing!
 * 9:30 am - A car ride! My favourite thing!
 * 9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favourite thing!...
* 10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favourite thing!
 * 12:00 pm - Lunch! My favourite thing!
 * 1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favourite thing!
 * 3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favourite thing!
 * 5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favourite thing!
 * 7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favourite thing!
 * 8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favourite thing!
 * 11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favourite thing!
 Excerpts from a Cat's Diary:
 Day 983 of my captivity.
 My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.
 Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am.
 *******s!
 There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.
 Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow - but at the top of the stairs.
 I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now!!..

[matcho mick]

How The internet Began....The True Story.


In ancient Israel , it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a healthy young wife by the name of Dorothy.  And Dot Com was a comely woman, large of breast, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.   
And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"
And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"
And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. The sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums.  And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.
To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew.  It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew to The People (HTTP).
And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.  And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. Indeed he did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.
And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others."  And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel , or eBay as it came to be known. He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."
And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO," said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.
Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside.
It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).
That is how it all began with WTF and the arc of the covenant and keyboard ?
Regards


MOBC (Mayor of bleak city)

 

 

                                                                         

[oz555ktm]

Thanks Mick

I now know who to blame for all of my Computer problems

[Richo52]

Very good MatchoMick ;-)

[PEZBerq]

Never ever trust a cat

[Daryl Jones]

Ever wanted to try Freestyle MX but you are a bit too cautious?

You could start out like this.

http://www.funnyjunk.com/The+south+america+s+russia/movies/5612185/

[GMC]

Some years ago a small rural town in Spain twinned with a similar town in Greece.
The mayor of the Greek town visited the Spanish town. When he saw the palatial mansion belonging to the Spanish mayor, he wondered aloud how on earth he could afford such a house.
The Spaniard replied:‘You see that bridge over there? The EU gave us a grant to construct a two-lane bridge, but by building a single lane bridge with traffic lights at either end, I could build this place.’
The following year the Spaniard visited the Greek town. He was simply amazed at the Greek mayor's house: gold taps, marble floors, diamond doorknobs, it was marvellous.
When he asked how he’d raised the money to build this incredible house, the Greek mayor said:‘You see that bridge over there?’
The Spaniard replied:‘No.’


As of this week, all new Euros are to be printed on Greece-proof paper.

Syria has appealed for international assistance today, after a boatload of 500 Greeks arrived seeking a better life.


What are the first three letters of the Greek alphabet?
I.O.U.


I'm investing in a new currency...the George Foreman Euro.
Same as the other Euro, but no Greece.


Alex Tsipras has said that Greece will "Bounce Back".
Just like it's cheques.


My son wanted to know what it was like to live in Greece, so I took his pocket money off him.

[FAT-TOY]

I don't mean to brag, but I finished my 14 day diet in just 3 hours and 14 minutes!

                                                  Zane

 

[matcho mick]

 
 

 

 

The Darwin's are out ...

 

Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.

 

 

Here is the glorious winner:

 

1. When his 38 calibre revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach , California would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

 

And now, the honourable mentions:

 

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger... The chef's claim was approved.

 

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

 

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies... The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

 

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train.. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

 

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]

 

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly.. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape...

 

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

 

9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast.... The man, frustrated, walked away. [*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]

 

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street by sucking on a hose, he got much more than he bargained for... Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

 

In the interest of bettering mankind, please share these with friends and family....unless of course one of these individuals by chance is a distant relative or long lost friend. In that case, be glad they are distant and hope they remain lost.

*** Remember.... They walk among us, they can reproduce..

[FourstrokeForever]

Somebody buy the man a drink! 

[FAT-TOY]

Paddy, The Irish Wrestler
 
 
A Russian and an Irish wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal. Before the final match, the Irish wrestler's trainer came to him and said 'Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has. It ties you up in knots. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished.'

The Irishman nodded in acknowledgment. As the match started, the Irishman and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the Irishman and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.

Suddenly, there was a Long, High Pitched Scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the Irishman collapsed on
top of him, making the pin and winning the match.

The trainer was astounded. When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked 'How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!'

The wrestler answered 'Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength, I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could.'

The trainer exclaimed 'That's what finished him off?'
'Not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own nuts.

[matcho mick]

 

An 80-year-old Italian goes to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, 'how do you stay in such great physical condition?'


 

I'm Italian and I am a golfer,' says the old guy, 'and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways. I have a glass of vino, and all is well.'


 

"'Well' says the doctor, 'I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your Father when he died?'


 

'Who said my Father's dead?'


 

The doctor is amazed. 'You mean you're 80 years old and your Father's still alive. How old is he?'


 

'He's 100 years old,' says the Old Italian golfer. 'In fact he golfed with me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk and had a little vino and that's why he's still alive. He's Italian and he's a golfer, too.'


 

'Well,' the doctor says, 'that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your Father's Father? How old was he when he died?'


 

'Who said my Nono's dead?'


 

Stunned, the doctor asks, 'you mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! Incredible, how old is he?'


 

'He's 118 years old,' says the Old Italian golfer.


The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, 'So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?'


 

'No, Nono couldn't go this morning because he's getting married
today.'


 

At this point the doctor is close to losing it. 'Getting married? Why would a 118 year- old guy want to get married?'


 

'Who said he wanted to?'

 

[matcho mick]

oldie,but a goodie
 
 
A professor at Wayne State University in Detroit was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies. To get a feel for his audience, the lecturer asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?"

About 90 students raise their hands.
 
"Well, that's a good start.  Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?"
 
About 40 students raise their hands. "That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously.  Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"
 
About 15 students raise their hand.  "Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"  Three students raise their hands. "That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...
Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"


Way in the back, Ahmed raises his hand.


The professor takes off his glasses and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."


The Middle Eastern Muslim student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Ahmed, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?"
Ahmed froze and with a look of horror said, “Ghost? Shit, from way back there I thought you said Goats."