Author Topic: Funnies/Jokes  (Read 663782 times)

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Offline FAT-TOY

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #2265 on: February 10, 2015, 11:26:01 pm »
Adam and Eve

A little girl asked her father,   
"How did the human race start?"   
The father answered,
"God made Adam and Eve, they had children and so all mankind was made."

Two days later the girl asked her mother the same question. The mother answered:

"Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."
 
The confused girl returned to her father and said, 
"Dad, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Mom said they developed from monkeys?"
The father answered,
"It is very simple.
I told you about my side of the family and your mother told you about hers."
Everyday I find one more name to add to the list of people who piss me off.

Offline 80-85 husky

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #2266 on: February 16, 2015, 08:59:53 pm »
An Emergency Call Centre worker in London, England, has been sacked , much to the dismay of her colleagues who are reportedly unhappy with her dismissal.
It seems a male caller dialled 999 from a mobile phone stating, "I am depressed and lying here on a railway line....I am waiting for the train to come so that I can finally meet Allah."

"Remain calm and stay on the line ," was not considered to be an appropriate response


Offline GMC

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One for Rossco
« Reply #2267 on: February 18, 2015, 04:04:52 pm »
Little Hodiaki

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some  history.

Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Hodiaki a bright foreign exchange student from Japan, who had his hand up: 'Patrick Henry, 1775', he said.
...
'Very good!'

Who said, 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?'

Again, no response except from Little Hodiaki, 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863'.

'Excellent!', said the teacher continuing, 'let's try one a bit more difficult...'

Who said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?'

Once again, Hodiaki's was the only hand in the air and he said:

'John F. Kennedy, 1961'.

The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves, Little Hodiaki isn't from this country and he knows more about our history than you do.'

She heard a loud whisper: 'F . . k the Japs,'

'Who said that? I want to know right now!' she angrily demanded.

Little Hodiaki put his hand up, 'General MacArthur, 1945.'

At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'

The teacher glared around and asks, 'All right! Now who said that!?'

Again, Little Hodiaki said, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.'

Now furious, another student yelled, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'

Little Hodiaki jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouted to the teacher, 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!'

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, 'You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.'

Little Hodiaki frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Michael Jackson to the child witness testifying against him, 2004.'

The teacher fainted.

As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, 'Oh shit, We're screwed again!'

Little Hodiaki said quietly, “Collingwood half way through 4th quarter of Grand Final, 2011..”

G.M.C.  Bringing the past into the future

Shock horror, its here at last...
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Offline ozktm151

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #2268 on: February 18, 2015, 07:19:55 pm »
Geoff,Geoff until the last line I thought you were a good bloke. I was mistaken. Floreat Pica you...........

Offline oz555ktm

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #2269 on: February 18, 2015, 08:15:12 pm »

 Geoff,Geoff Love it. was that Eddy Mc

the last line was gold ..Sorry Bill Mate
And Please forgive me as I cant Spell for Shit ...
And I have very Bad Gramer ...too I been told ......

Offline Rossvickicampbell

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #2270 on: February 18, 2015, 09:04:26 pm »
I have said before, and do not hesitate in repeating myself - but I don't like Geoff!!!
1974 Yamaha YZ360B
1980 Honda CR250R - Moto X Fox Replica

Offline TooFastTim

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #2271 on: February 18, 2015, 09:13:38 pm »

Offline GMC

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #2272 on: February 18, 2015, 10:23:21 pm »
Geoff,Geoff until the last line I thought you were a good bloke. I was mistaken. Floreat Pica you...........


I have said before, and do not hesitate in repeating myself - but I don't like Geoff!!!


Nyuk, Nyuk, Nyuk
G.M.C.  Bringing the past into the future

Shock horror, its here at last...
www.geoffmorrisconcepts.com

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Offline Hardex

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #2273 on: February 19, 2015, 04:41:39 pm »
Fat Toy
you are spot on like the dad in the story my family was created not evolved from slime LOL

Offline paco

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #2274 on: February 20, 2015, 09:53:43 am »
 SENIOR SEX heart emoticon

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,
"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
what ! Who me ? Nah

Offline Daryl Jones

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #2275 on: February 23, 2015, 02:38:21 pm »
Life's too short not to try to do Everything.

"First they tell you you're wrong, and they can prove it.
Then they tell you you're right, but it's not important.
Then they tell you it is important, but they knew it all along."
Charles Kettering.

Offline matcho mick

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #2276 on: February 27, 2015, 10:42:41 am »

After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Jim woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman.  That's when he realized he had made it home safely.

 

Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.

 

ITS A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, ITS A BOY".  And with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another Thai Brothel!

 

In the first few days of the Olympics the Romanians took gold, silver, bronze, copper & lead.

 

Sailing results are in, GB took gold, USA took silver and Somalia took a Middle aged couple from Weymouth.

 

A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labeled LSD?' Granny replies, fork the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?

 

Wife gets naked and asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?  'Hubby looks her up and down and replies, "Your sense of humor!"

 

The wife's back on the warpath again.  She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.

 

I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles.  My next crap could spell disaster.

 

My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them.  It was my own fault.  I should have taken them off.

 

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.

 

After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday.  But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better.  So I thought, "Screw it, soldier on!"

 

I woke up this morning at 8, and could sense something was wrong.  I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing!  I panicked.  I didn't know what to do.  Then I remembered McDonald's serves breakfast until 11:30.

 

Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week.  Took her to the fair last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.

 

The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with.  I told her, "Only you.  All the others kept me awake all night!"

 

My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"  "Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"

 

A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to this country so that they can see their own doctor.

 

I just installed strobe lights in the bedroom.  It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.

 
work,the curse of the racing class!!
if a hammer dosn't fix it,you have a electrical problem!!

Offline TooFastTim

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #2277 on: March 06, 2015, 11:01:32 pm »

maxvmx

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #2278 on: March 08, 2015, 03:36:51 pm »
Awe - he tried, any landing you get stretched away from is a good landing.

Offline FAT-TOY

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #2279 on: March 09, 2015, 10:08:03 pm »


   Zane
Everyday I find one more name to add to the list of people who piss me off.