Funnies/Jokes

[TM BILL]

Low Battery ( The caller of the year)

A Young man saved his girlfriend's phone number on

his mobile as "LOW BATTERY".

Whenever she calls him in his absence, his wife

takes the phone and plugs it to the charger.

Give that man a medal!
 
 
 

 

[TM BILL]

 Trust
 

There comes a time when a woman just has to have faith in her husband.

For example...


 
A wife comes home late at night, and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket,
she sees four legs instead of two.  She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.


 
Leaving the covered bodies groaning, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.

As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.


 
"Hi Darling, your parents have come to visit us, so l let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say, 'hello'?"

 

 

[gt96]

Hospital Bill


A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store.

The store clerk called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor. The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.

He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital. A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clipboard loaded with several forms, and a pen. She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment.

"Do you have health insurance?" she asked.

He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"

He replied, "No money in the bank."

Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the irritated nun.


He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun."
The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."

The patient replied, "Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law."

[gt96]

Income Tax Statement...

 

Hello, is this Miss Singleton? -

Yes, it is me.


Miss Singleton, this is John Smith, your tax accountant.  I must inform you that your tax
statement was rejected by the IRS...They say that your salary and your possessions are
incompatible...Your salary as a secretary is too low for you to be able to afford a luxury
apartment, a new Mercedes-Benz, expensive clothing, jewelry, vacations in Europe, etc.


- Oh, and what can I do about it?
 
Well, let's do the following: Send me a recent copy of your principal source of income,
and I'll see what I can do with it at the IRS.


- Very well Mr. Smith.  I'm making a photocopy of it now, and I will fax it to you shortly.

[TM BILL]

    love it

[TM BILL]

A recent article in the Essex ‘Express & Star’ reported that a woman has

Sued her local hospital, saying that after her husband was treated there

Recently, he had lost all interest in sex.

 

A hospital spokesman replied,

 

“The man was actually admitted in Ophthalmology....

 

.....all we did was correct his eyesight...”

 

[TM BILL]

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time.  Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.  Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.  They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.  Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. 
'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.
'I would like it infrequently' she replied. 
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, leaned over towards her and whispered -
'Is that one word or two?'

[TM BILL]

[TM BILL]

The mother-in-law, comes home and finds her son-in-law furious and packing his suitcase. "What happened ?"  "What happened ? I'll tell you what  happened! I sent an email to my wife saying thatI was coming home from my trip today. I got home and guess what I found ? My wife, yes my Rachel, with a naked guy in our marital bed! This is the end of our marriage, I will leave forever!" "Calm down!" says mother-in-law.  "There is something odd about this story.Rachel would never do such a thing!  Wait a minute while I check what happened." Moments later, mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.   "You see, I said there must be a simple explanation ... Rachel didn't receive your Email."   

 

[TM BILL]

New iron woman competition

[TM BILL]

DIALOGUE BETWEEN A LADY INTERVIEWER WITH A MALE BEER DRINKER:



Lady Interviewer:  Do you drink every day?


Man:  Yes.


Lady Interviewer:  How much a day?


Man:  Around 3 six-packs starting at noon.


Lady Interviewer:  How much does a 6-pack cost?


Man:  Roughly $10.00 at a deli.


Lady Interviewer:  And how long have you been drinking like that?


Man:  15 years.


Lady Interviewer:  So with a six-pack costing $10.00, and you consuming 3 six-packs a day, you are spending roughly $900 each month.  In one year, you would then be spending $10,800, correct?


Man:  Correct.


Lady Interviewer:  If in 1 year you spend $10,800 on beer, not accounting for inflation, 15 years puts your spending roughly $162,000; correct?


Man:  Correct.


Lady Interviewer:  Did it ever occur to you that if you did not drink for the last 15 years, you could have bought a Ferrari?


Man:  Do you drink?


Lady Interviewer:  No.


Man:  So where's your forkin' Ferrari?

[09.0]

[TM BILL]

We were all brought up thinking that the heart you see signifying

Valentine's Day is similar to the human heart organ.  That cannot be

further from the truth, as human hearts are oblong and have a bunch

of nasty looking arteries and ventricles coming out of them. 

The photo below shows clearly the true origin of the Valentine heart.
v

v

v

v

v

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I hope you learned something today.


 

 
 
 
 

 

[TM BILL]

CONFUCIUS SAYS

 

Confucius Say.  It's ok to let a fool kiss you, but don't let a kiss fool you
Confucius Say.  A kiss is just shopping upstairs for downstairs merchandise
Confucius Say.  It is better to lose a lover than love a loser
Confucius Say.  A drunken man's words are a sober man's thoughts
Confucius Say.  Marriage is like a bank account.  You put it in, you take it out, and you lose interest
Confucius Say.  Viagra is like Disneyland ... a one hour wait for a 2-minute ride
Confucius Say.  It is much better to want the mate you do not have than to have the mate you do not want
Confucius Say.  A joke is like sex.  Neither is any good if you don't get it
 
 

[80-85 husky]

Confucious say:

Girl who sleeps outside syn-agog bound to wake up with heavy Dew on top!