Funnies/Jokes

[TM BILL]

A little humour----ala NY style.......



The teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you
shoot one of them, how many will be left?' She calls on Brooklyn Tony.

He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'

The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'

Then Brooklyn Tony says, 'I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women
sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of
the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and
sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which
one is married?'

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's
gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'

To which Brooklyn Tony replied, 'The correct answer is ' the one with the
wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'

Brooklyn Tony ON MATH

Brooklyn Tony returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

'Why?' asks the father.

The teacher asked ' How much is 2x3,' I said '6,'' replies TONY.

'But that's right!' says his dad.

'Yeah, but then she asked me ' How much is 3x2?''

'What's the forking difference ?' asks the father.

'That's what I said!'


Brooklyn Tony ON ENGLISH

Brooklyn Tony goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to
learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a
multi-syllable word?'

TONY says 'Mas-tur-bate.'

Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, Brooklyn Tony, that's a mouthful.'

Little TONY says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob.'


Brooklyn Tony ON GRAMMAR

Brooklyn Tony was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go
to the bathroom. He yelled out, 'Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!'

The teacher replied, 'Now, TONY, that is NOT the proper word to use in this
situation. The correct word you want to use is urinate. Please use the word
urinate in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go.'

Brooklyn Tony, thinks for a bit, and then says, 'You're an eight, but if you
had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!'

Brooklyn Tony ON GRAMMAR


One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of
hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence
twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, 'My father bought my
mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.'

'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.

'My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully.'

She said, 'Excellent, Michael!'

Then the teacher reluctantly called on Brooklyn Tony.

'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was
pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just forking beautiful!' '

Brooklyn Tony ON GETTING OLDER


Brooklyn Tony was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after
another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, 'Son,
you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne,
rot your teeth, and make you fat.'

Brooklyn Tony replied, 'You know, my grandfather lived to be 107 years old.'

The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?'

Brooklyn Tony answered, 'No, he minded his own forking business

[Rosco]

Another great day!
Been to the gym, then had a nice shower.
I've just picked up a bottle of home brew from one of the neighbours for this afternoon.
I've got a few joints rolled up for the X Box tournament with the lads.
After that I'll muck around online with some porn and gambling sites.
Then to finish off the perfect day, it's a nice blow job before I go to bed.
fork I love prison!

[TM BILL]

I was working out at the gym when I spotted a sweet young thing walking in .....



 

 



 

I asked the trainer standing next to me , "What machine should I use to impress that lady over there ?"




 

 

The trainer looked me over and said : "I would recommend the ATM in the lobby .."

[worms]

far out Bill, you've aged!

[Rosco]

Another great day!
Been to the gym, then had a nice shower.
I've just picked up a bottle of home brew from one of the neighbours for this afternoon.
I've got a few joints rolled up for the X Box tournament with the lads.
After that I'll muck around online with some porn and gambling sites.
Then to finish off the perfect day, it's a nice blow job before I go to bed.
fork I love prison!

[GD66]

...bloody Alzheimers...

[TM BILL]

Gynaecologist Assistant...


A man went to Macquarie Street in Sydney having seen an ad for a Gynaecologist's Assistant. Naturally interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details.

The clerk pulled up the file and read; "The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynaecologist. " "You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off their pubic hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynaecologist's examination." "The annual salary is $95,000, and if you're interested you'll have to go to Brisbane "

" My God, is that where the job is?" asked the man. She answered: "No Sir, that's where the end of the queue is."

[Curly3]

Kid's on the back seat causes accidents.
Accidents on the back seat causes kid's.

[TM BILL]

A woman goes into Discount Fishing Supplies to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday.
 
She doesn't know which one to get, so she just picks one and goes over to the counter..
 
The salesman is standing there, wearing dark shades.


 

 She says, "Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
 
He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter,
 
I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes."
 
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
 
He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-lb..Test line. It's a good all around combination, and it's actually on sale this week for $44."
 
She says, "That's amazing that you can tell all that, just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"
 
As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
 
"Oh, that sounds like a Visa card," he says.
 
As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally farts..
 
At first she's really embarrassed, but then realises there is no way
 
the blind salesman would tell exactly who had farted.
 
The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $58.50 please."
 
The woman is totally confused by this and asks,
 
"Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $44. How did you get $58.50?"
 
"The Duck Caller is $11, and the Fish Bait is $3.50."

 

[matcho mick]

>> Tom had been in Police work for 25 years.
>>
>>
>> Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in
>> the hills in Tasmania as far from humanity as possible. He sees the
> postman
>> once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace
> and
>> quiet.
>>
>>
>> After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his
>> door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.
>>
>> 'Name's Cliff, your neighbour from forty miles up the road. Having a
>> Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about
>> 5:00...'
>>
>> 'Great', says Tom, 'after six months out here I'm ready to meet some
>> local
>> folks Thank you.'
>>
>> As Cliff is leaving, he stops. 'Gotta warn you. Be some drinking'.'
>>
>>
>> 'Not a problem' says Tom. 'After 25 years in the business, I can drink
> with
>> the best of 'em'.
>>
>>
>> Again, the big man starts to leave and stops.
>> 'More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting' too.'
>>
>>
>> 'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right! .
>> I'll be there. Thanks again.'
>>
>>
>> 'More'n likely be some wild sex, too,'
>>
>>
>> 'Now that's really not a problem' says Tom, warming to the idea. 'I've
> been
>> all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there.. By the way, what
> should
>> I wear?'
>>
>>
>> 'Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.
>>

[fatboyracing]

I went to that Christmas  party the other night down here in Tassie   

Cheers
Fatboy

[Rossvickicampbell]

first or second cousin FB - makes a difference 

[pancho]

 The 75yr old is at the Doctor, asks the doc 'I think my wife is going deaf but she won't go to doctors', is there an easy way to check her hearing at home?'
 Yes , the doc says, stand back forty feet and in a normal voice ask '" Honey whats for dinner?
    Then try again every 10 ft closer till you get a response".
 So off home he goes at 40ft away says 'Honey what's for dinner?'
   and moves a bit closer each time
 


 





  He gets ten feet away and she answers FOR F^&* SAKE FOR THE TENTH TIME IT'S CHICKEN!

[vandy010]

JUST  IMAGINE..

If you had bought $1,000.00  of Qantas shares one year ago, you  would
have $49.00 today!
 
If  you bought $1,000.00 AIG shares one year ago, you  would have $33.00
today!

If  you bought $1,000.00 worth of Lehman Brothers shares  one year ago,
you would have $0.00 today!

BUT....  if you purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer one year  ago, drank
all the beer, then returned the  aluminum cans for recycling....
YOU WOULD HAVE RECEIVED  $214.00!!!

BASED ON THE ABOVE, THE BEST  CURRENT INVESTMENT PLAN IS TO
DRINK HEAVILY AND  RECYCLE!


AND   DID YOU KNOW...

A recent  study found that the average Aussie walks 900 MILES  A YEAR!!!

Another study found that Aussies  drink, on average, 22 GALLONS OF
ALCOHOL A  YEAR!!!

THAT MEANS THAT, ON AVERAGE, AUSSIES  GET ..... 41 MILES TO THE GALLON.

MAKES YOU  PROUD TO BE AN AUSSIE DOESN'T  IT?

[TM BILL]

The nipples of young Miss Hong Kong,
When excited are twelve inches long.
This embarrassed her lover
Who was pained to discover
She expected no less of his dong.