Funnies/Jokes

[TM BILL]

Understanding Engineers #1

Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."



Understanding Engineers #2

To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.



Understanding Engineers #3

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!" The priest said, "Here comes the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello George, What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greens-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime!." The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything she can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"


Understanding Engineers #4



What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers? Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.




Understanding Engineers #5

The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"



Understanding Engineers #6

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"



Understanding Engineers #7

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.


Understanding Engineers #8

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want." Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog - now that's cool."

[TM BILL]

The novel “Fifty Shades Of Grey” has seduced women – and baffled blokes. Now a spoof, Fifty SHEDS Of Grey, offers a treat for the men. The book has author Colin Grey recounting his love encounters at the bottom of the garden. Here are some extracts...
 
 
Fifty Sheds Of Grey
 
 
We tried various positions – round the back, on the side, up against a wall...
but in the end we came to the conclusion the bottom of the garden was the only place for a good shed.
 
She stood before me, trembling in my shed.
“I’m yours for the night,” she gasped, “You can do whatever you want with me.”
So I took her to Bunning’s.
 
She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at first, then harder until finally it came.
I moaned with pleasure. Now for the other boot.
 
Ever since she read THAT book, I’ve had to buy all kinds of ropes, chains and shackles.
She still manages to get into the shed, though.
 
“Put on this rubber suit and mask,” I instructed, calmly.
“Mmmm, kinky!” she purred.
“Yes,” I said, “You can’t be too careful with all that asbestos in the shed roof.”
 
“I’m a very naughty girl,” she said, biting her lip. “I need to be punished.”
So I invited my mum to stay for the weekend.
 
“Harder!” she cried, gripping the workbench tightly. “Harder!”
“Okay,” I said. “What’s the gross national product of  Nicaragua ?”
 
I lay back exhausted, gazing happily out of the shed window.
Despite my concerns about my inexperience, my rhubarb had come up a treat.
 
“Are you sure you can take the pain?” she demanded, brandishing stilettos.
“I think so,” I gulped. “Here we go, then,” she said, and showed me the receipt.
 
“Hurt me!” she begged, raising her skirt as she bent over my workbench.
“Very well,” I replied. “You’ve got fat ankles and no dress sense.”
 
“Are you sure you want this?” I asked. “When I’m done, you won’t be able to sit down for weeks.”
She nodded.
“Okay,” I said, putting the three-piece suite on eBay..
 
“Punish me!” she cried. “Make me suffer like only a real man can!”
“Very well,” I replied, leaving the toilet seat up.
 
“Pleasure and pain can be experienced simultaneously,” she said, gently massaging my back as we listened to her Coldplay CD.

[xel93]

After reading these for years - i thought it was about time to contribute ...





A lady walked into a drugstore and told the pharmacist she needed some cyanide right away.

The pharmacist naturally was concerned by such a request and asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady then explained that she needed it to poison her husband, the pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband!

That's against the law! I'll lose my license, they'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not, you cannot have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well, now. You didn't tell me you had a prescription.










New Zealanders who emigrate to Australia raise the IQ of both countries







A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.”

'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams.

“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer” the father says. “We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”

Franticly, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like hell they're getting divorced!” she shouts, “I'll take care of this!”

She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father “You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Sorted! They're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way.'






New Words for 2012

* SWAMP-DONKEY
A deeply unattractive person.

* TESTICULATING.
Waving your arms around and talking bollocks.

* BLAMESTORMING.
Sitting round in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

* SEAGULL MANAGER.
A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

* SALMON DAY..
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.

* CUBE FARM.
An office filled with cubicles.

* PRAIRIE DOGGING.
When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
(This also applies to applause for a promotion because there may be cake.)

* SINBAD.
Single working girls. Single income, no boyfriend and desperate.

* AEROPLANE BLONDE.
One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.

* PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE.
The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it
to work again.


* SALAD DODGER.
An excellent phrase for an overweight person.

* OH - NO SECOND.
That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all').

* GREYHOUND.
A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.

* JOHNNY-NO-STARS.
A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show their level of training.

* MILLENNIUM DOMES.
The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there's actually naught in there worth seeing.

* MONKEY BATH .
A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: 'Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa! Aa! Aa!'.

* MYSTERY BUS.
The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.

* TART FUEL.
Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women.

* TRAMP STAMP
Tattoo on a female

* PICASSO BUM.
A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got 4 buttocks

[FAT-TOY]

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, Inherit the family ranch.
Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.
In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to
purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.
Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I
decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and
haul it home.'
The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and
decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it
for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to
send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the
telegraph office, and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister
telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch
the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it
home.'
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, and
then adds, it will cost 99 cents a word.' Well, after paying for the
bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her
sister one word.
After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to
send her the word 'comfortable.'
The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you
want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here
to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word
'comfortable?'
You'll love this..........
The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word is big. She'll
read it very slowly.... 'Com-for-da-bul.'

[xel93]

VEET reviews


2,172 of 2,208 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Increased Sports Performance Bonus, 24 April 2012
By
Tagnutt Mandeville - See all my reviews
This review is from: Veet for Men Hair Removal Gel Creme 200 ml (Personal Care)
As a highly competitive amateur athlete, I have long been aware of the benefits of a highly polished scrotum pole and hair-free saddle-bags, especially when going for the `longer look' as displayed by Linford in his famous lunchbox.

Previously I had used the old-school method of a cutthroat razor, but as you can imagine, this was a tricky and delicate operation, and to make matters worse, it was difficult to get into a comfortable position in the chair at my local Barbers. Anyway, I am quite hairy down there and my snippet valve looks like Brian May's plughole so eventually the Barber said he could no longer perform the task for me. He also said that looking up my whizzer every Saturday at 11:30 put him off his lunch, as he usually has toad-in-the-hole followed by chocolate-coated donuts as a Saturday treat.

He did not want to leave me in the lurch and said that he had read some excellent reviews on Amazon about Veet for men and suggested I give it try.

Like many other reviewers, I made the mistake of not reading the bumph properly; I used the whole tube and completely coated my cock eggs, barse and nipsy with the stuff. Anyway, I lost track of time, and it was the foul stench of dissolving clinkers and melting hair that brought me to my senses. As I looked at my watch through the putrid fog that had formed around me, I could see that it had been applied for exactly 5 minutes 59 seconds. This presented me with a problem, as when the searing pain began, I was outside my flat, sat in the communal gardens, in a deck chair precisely 100 meters and 3 flights of stairs away from my bathroom. It was as if I had lowered my under-carriage through a volcano and into Hades, whereupon Beelzebub, annoyed by the uninvited intrusion, jabbed me in the rectum with his fork.

I took off from the deckchair like Usain Bolt out of the TV adverts. Within 12 seconds, the bathroom was filled with steamy fetid barse broth, and I had the clock weights, biffin's-bridge and Sherriff's badge under ice-cold running water at the tap end of the bath. This did not please the missus, as she was relaxing in there at the time surrounded by floating petals and candles, although she did say that the sight of my ringpiece flashing like a brake light was impressive, and she was pleased to see that my arse barnacles had all but disappeared.

When I looked at my watch again, I realised how quickly I had made it up the stairs and the idea dawned on me that I had discovered a 100% legal sports performance enhancer. Now when I compete in a competition I dab a small amount around my Samantha Janus and taint exactly 6 minutes before the race is due to start. If I am doing the hurdles, I change the ratio and put more on my barse to make me jump higher. This proved to be particularly effective a couple of weeks ago, as after crossing the hurdles finish line, I accidentally won the high jump and steeple chase too, looking for the water jump to wash the stuff off.

Now I can hear you all thinking that none of this is particularly extraordinary, especially given the reviews that you have already read. However, when I tell you that I am 45 years old, 5' 4" tall and weigh 15 stone, and I used to do the shot-put that should put things into context. As this is an Olympic year I think Tagnutt and Mandeville or whatever their names are, should be redesigned with hairless nether-regions and the British squad should use my technique and be sponsored by Veet, although I don't recommend it for the beach volley ball team.

5 Stars from me.

See many more at :

http://www.amazon.co.uk/product-reviews/B000KKNQBK

[matcho mick]

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some History.
 Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?" 
 She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Akio, a bright foreign exchange student from Japan , who had his hand up: "Patrick Henry, 1775," he said.
 "Very good! -- Who said, 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth'?"
 Again, no response except from Little Akio: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."
 
 "Excellent!" said the teacher continuing, "Let's try one a bit more difficult –
 Who said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country'?"
 Once again, Akio's was the only hand in the air and he said: "John F. Kennedy, 1961."
 The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves, Little Akio isn't from this country and he knows more about our history than you do."
 She heard a loud whisper: "fork the Japs."
 "Who said that? -- I want to know right now!? she angrily demanded.
 Little Akio put his hand up, "General MacArthur, 1945."
 At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke.'
 
 The teacher glares around and asks, 'All right! -- Now who said that?"
 Again, Little Akio says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
 Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? -- Suck this!"
 Little Akio jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
 Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, "You little shit! -- If you say anything else -- I'll kill you!"
 Little Akio frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Michael Jackson to the children testifying against him, 2004."
 The teacher fainted. As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, We're screwed!"
 Little Akio said quietly, "The Australian people, when Gillard was elected, August 2010."

[matcho mick]

 
THESE LINES ARE FROM THE BOOK 'FIFTY SHADES OF GREY'
                                                                                                                                           
 
 
                     
 
You appeared from nowhere and shamelessly, without any reservations, you laid on my naked body...you sensed my indifference, so you applied your hungry mouth to me without any guilt or humiliation, and you drove me near crazy while you drained me.



Finally, I drifted off to sleep.

Today when I awoke, you were gone, I searched for you but to no avail, only the sheets bore witness to last night's events.

My body still bears faint marks of your enthusiastic ravishing, making it all the more difficult to forget you.

Tonight, I will remain awake, waiting for you........
.
.
.








.


F....ng mosquito!

















 
   
 

 

[matcho mick]

 
 

Went out last night and got really wasted. I woke up next to a fat bird who was snoring and farting.
At least I got home OK!!

The wife's back on the warpath again she was up for making a home movie last night and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.

I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.

My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault.
I should have taken them off.

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night. Or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.

After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday.
But strangely enough….once she killed herself I started to feel a lot better. So I thought…Sod it….soldier on.

I woke up this morning at 8 and could smell something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn’t know what to do
Then I remembered maccas serve breakfast until 11.30.


A man is seeking to join the Glasgow Police force. The Sergeant doing the interview says:
"Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted."
Then, sliding a pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, he says: "Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six drug dealers, six Muslim extremists, and a rabbit" The man being interviewed asks, "Why the rabbit?" "Great attitude," says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"


Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, took me 5 hours to get her off the big wheel.

[Lozza]

A woman in a hot air balloon realised she was lost.

She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more
and shouted: 'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would
meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am..'

The man below replied, 'You're in a hot air balloon hovering
approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees
north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.'

'You must be an Engineer,' said the balloonist.

'I am,' replied the man, 'how did you know?'

'Well,' answered the balloonist, 'everything you have told me is
probably technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your
information and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been
much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip by your talk.'

The man below responded, 'You must be in Management.'

'I am,' replied the balloonist, 'but how did you know?'

'Well,' said the man, 'you don't know where you are or where you're
going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot
air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you
expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in
exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my f**king fault.

[paco]

love it.p

[TM BILL]

An 80-year-old Scotsman went to the doctor for a check-up.

The doctor was amazed at what good shape the old fellow was in and

asked: 'How do you stay in such great physical condition?'

'I am Scottish and I am a golfer,' said the old fellow: 'and that is why

I am in such good shape.

I am up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways.

I have a wee glass of whisky, and that's it.'

'Well,' said the doctor, 'I am sure that helps, but there has to be more to it.

How old was your Dad when he died?

'Who said my Dad died?' The doctor was amazed.

'You mean you are 80 years old and your Dad is still alive? How old is he?'

He is 100 years old,' said the old Scottish golfer.

'In fact he golfed wi' me this mornin', and then we went to the topless beach

for a walk and had anither wee dram and that is why he is still alive.

He is a Scot and he is a golfer, too.'

'Well,' the doctor said, 'that is great, but I am sure there is more to it than that.

How about your Dad's Dad? How old was he when he died?'

'Who said my Grandad is dead?'

Stunned, the doctor asked,

'You mean you are 80 years old and your grandfather is still living! Incredible, how old is he?'

'He is 118 years old,' said the old Scottish golfer.

The doctor was getting frustrated at this point:

'So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?' '

No. Grandad couldnae go this mornin' because he is getting married today'

At this point the doctor was close to losing it. 'Getting married!!

Why would a 118 year-old bloke want to get married?'

>

>

>

>

>

>

'Who said he wanted to?'

 

[TM BILL]

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 A Yorkshire treat

A Yorkshireman and his wife walked past a swanky new restaurant last night...

"Did you smell that food?" she asked... "Wonderful!"

Being the 'Kind Hearted Yorkshireman', he thought,

"What the heck, I'll treat her!"


... So they walked past it again...

 
 
 

[TM BILL]

A guy goes to a female dentist to have a tooth extracted.

She pulls out a numbing needle to give the man a shot.


"No way! No needles. I hate needles" the patient said.


The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the man says: " I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on suffocates me!'


The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objections to taking a pill."No objection," he says. "I'm fine with pills."


The dentist gives him a couple of pills. He swallows them. "What are they?" he says.


"Viagra," says the dentist.


"Heck," the patient says, "I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer."

"It doesn't" said the dentist, "But it will give you something to hold onto when I pull your tooth."

[TM BILL]

Most people today think it improper to discipline children, so I have tried other methods to control my kids when they have had one of 'those moments.'     

     Since I'm a pilot, one that I have found very effective is for me to just take the child for a flight during which I say nothing and give the child the opportunity to reflect on his or her behavior.   

    I don't know whether it's the steady vibration from the engines, or just the time away from any distractions such as TV, video games, computer, iPod, etc.   
     Either way, my kids usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our flight together. I believe that eye to eye contact during these sessions is an important element in achieving the desired results.   

     I've included a photo below of one of my sessions with my son, in case you would like to use the technique...












 
Should work with grandkids also.
 
 

[TM BILL]

South African Dutchman Van der Merwe had never been out of South Africa. While on holiday in
Australia he decided to spend an afternoon visiting Bondi Beach.

As he sat on the beach looking out to sea he saw a long line of black
dots out in the water and said to an Aussie, who was sitting close by,
"What are all those little black things out there?"

"They're buoys," said the Aussie.

"Boys?!" replied Van der Merwe. "What are they doing out there?"

"Holding up the shark net," the Aussie told him.

"forkin great country!" said Van der Merwe, deeply impressed,
  "We'd never get away with that at home!