Funnies/Jokes

[mx250]

Last night I was talking to a young, good looking woman.
She asked me if I liked breasts or legs.
I told her what I really liked was a shaved snatch.
Apparently I'm not welcome back at KFC.

[shorelinemc]

Kathy Freeman walks into an exclusive golf club in americas deep south.as she walks in the doorman sheepishly says i am sorry but maybe youi are at the wrong club .you should go down the road to another club where they admit people like you its only a 10 min walk .kathy turns around and says do know who i am yes he said well maybe it will take 3minutes then

[mx250]

A teacher asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Rudd fans.
 
Not really knowing what a Rudd fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for the infamous, Little Billy, in the front row.
   
The teacher asked Little Billy why he has decided to be different.

'Because I'm not a Rudd fan.'

The teacher asked, 'Why aren't you a Rudd fan?'

'Because I'm a Liberal.'
   
The teacher asked him why he's a Liberal.

Billy proudly answered, 'Well, my Mom's a Liberal and my Dad's a Liberal, so I'm a Liberal.'
   
Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, 'If your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?'
   
With a big smile, Billy replied, 'That would make me a Rudd fan.'

 

(No correspondence will be entered into - I'm a Rudd fan - this is humour ).

[mx250]

Confucius say,

"If you are in a book store and cannot find

The book for which you search, you are obviously



 
in the.....

[mx250]

Two female co-workers are having a conversation at work.
 
Woman 1: Did you have good sex last night?
 
Woman 2: No, it was a disaster... my husband came home, ate his dinner in 3 minutes, got on top of me, finished having sex in 4 minutes, rolled over and fell asleep in 2 minutes. How about you?
 
Woman 1: Oh it was amazing! My husband came home. He took me out to a romantic dinner. After dinner we took a walk for an hour. When we came home he lit the candles around the house and we had an hour of foreplay. After foreplay we had an hour long session of fantastic sex and then we talked for an hour. It was like in a fairytale!
 
At the same time, their husbands are talking at work.
 
Husband 1: Did you have good sex last night?
 
Husband 2: Yes, it was great! I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate, screwed my wife and fell asleep.  What about you?
 
Husband 1: It was horrible. I came home, there's no dinner because they cut the electricity because I didn't pay the bill. In return I had to take my wife out to dinner and the dinner was so expensive that we didn't have money for a cab. So we had to walk home for an hour – and when we got home, there was no electricity, so I had to light forking candles all over the house! I was so angry that I couldn't get it up for an hour and then I couldn't cum for another hour. After I finally did, I was so mad and aggravated that I couldn't fall asleep and my wife was jabbering away for another hour!

 

[monaro308]

A teacher in Detroit,Michigan kindergarten class asked her students if they could tell the class what sound a pig makes.

Little Tyrone stood up and said...
"UP AGAINST THE WALL MOTHER F@#KER!"
I guess there aren't too many farms in  Detroit

[mx250]

Being a non-golfer we can have some more fun at Tigger's expense .

[VMX247]

Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together.  Please see what you can do.
Love, Teddy

Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane.  Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid, fat mom, who rides his ass constantly?  It's time to give up that dream.  Let me get you some nice Legos instead.  Maybe you can build yourself a family with those?
Santa
 

[Pommie Barstad]

This is an interesting way of looking at things . . .

It's a slow day in a little east Norfolk town. it's dull, and the streets are deserted. Times are hard, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit. On this particular day a rich tourist is driving through town.

He stops at the pub and hotel and lays two £50 notes on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night.

As soon as the man walks upstairs, the owner grabs the £100 and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.

The butcher takes the £100 and runs down the street to repay his debt to the pig farmer.

The pig farmer takes the £100 and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel.

The guy at the Farmer's Co-op takes the £100 and runs to pay his debt to the local prostitute, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer her "services" on credit.

The tom rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill with the hotel owner.

The hotel proprietor then places the £100 back on the counter so the rich traveller will not suspect anything.

At that moment the traveller comes down the stairs, picks up the £100, says that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves town.

No one produced anything. No one earned anything.

However, the whole town is now out of debt and now looks to the future with a lot more optimism.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the British Government is conducting business today . . .

[T250K]

Sounds like they've all been watching that soapie ' Wall Street ' on TV   

[tony27]

Are you sure thats only the british goverment?

[mx250]

Year 7 Economics, economics 102 - the Multiplier effect.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Multiplier_%28economics%29

But funny anyway I'll save and see if my daughter can work it into one of her Economic essays - put the cat amongst the pigeons .

[mx250]

No one you know I hope 

[mx250]

Voted Best Joke in Ireland

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

[VMX247]

    sometimes men just get it all wrong 
happy green day for yesterday for today mx250