Author Topic: Funnies/Jokes  (Read 662325 times)

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090

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #975 on: November 24, 2010, 08:39:28 pm »
I went to a beautiful female doctor too. I was all nervous and fidgeting and said I was a bit uncomfortable about telling my problem to a female doctor. She said ''just relax, I am a professional and there is nothing to be embarrassed about. Now tell me your problem.''
I said , ''I think my di#k tastes funny''.

Offline suzuki27

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #976 on: November 24, 2010, 10:08:50 pm »
Did she bulk- bill you?
or did you only get the mastur-rebate ?

monaro308

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #977 on: November 25, 2010, 01:43:06 am »
Kids know far too much these days.
Today in the doctors waiting room, I saw a little girl playing with her Barbie & Ken dolls immitating
the doggy position.
I bent down & told her,"You'll end up with little baby dolls if you keep doing that.
She replied,"I don't think so,he's doing her up the arse"

mx250

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #978 on: November 25, 2010, 02:04:23 pm »

monaro308

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #979 on: November 27, 2010, 01:00:11 am »
An Irishman goes to the Doctor with botty problems..

'Dactor, it's me ahrse I'd like ya ta teyk a look, if ya woot'.

So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look..

'Incredible', he says, 'there is a £20 note lodged up here.'

Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a £10 note appears.

'This is amazing!' exclaims the Doctor. ''What do you want me to do?'

'Well fur gadness sake teyk it out, man!' shrieks the patient.

The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another and another, etc.....

Finally the last bill comes out and no more appear.

'Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batter. Just out of interest, how moch was in dare den?'

The Doctor counts the pile of cash and says '£1,990 exactly.'
'Ah, dat'd be roit,'' says the Irishman

'I knew I wasn't feeling two grand..'

 
 
 
 
 
 

Offline EML

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #980 on: November 27, 2010, 09:59:20 am »
You're an eedyet! :D :D :D

Offline suzuki27

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #981 on: December 03, 2010, 07:49:25 am »
T-Shirt I saw the other day.

                  I wish my lawn was an Emo'
                  So it would cut itself.

monaro308

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #982 on: December 06, 2010, 10:57:23 am »
Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the
Arkansas Highway Patrol. The detective conducting the interview looked
At the three of them and said, "So ya'all want to be cops, huh?" The
blondes all nodded in the affirmative.

The detective got up, opened a file drawer, and pulled out a folder.
Sitting back down, he opened it, pulled out a picture, and said, "To be
a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice
Things such as distinguishing features and oddities, like scars and so Forth."
So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and
withdrew it after about two seconds. "Now," he said, "did you notice any
distinguishing features about this man?"
The blond immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"

The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in
this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!" The first
blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.
The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her
face for two seconds, pulled it back and said, "What about you? Notice
anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"

"Yes! He only has one ear!"
The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear
what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of
Course you can only see one ear! You're excused too!" The second blonde
sheepishly walked out of the office.

The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and
said, "This is probably a waste of time, but....", He flashed the photo
in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right,
did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"

The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses." The
detective frowned, took another look at the picture, and began looking at
some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a
puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he
wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his
Picture?"

The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, Hellooooooooooooo! With only
One eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses."

Offline Nathan S

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #983 on: December 07, 2010, 07:39:22 am »
The good thing about telling the truth is that you don't have to remember what you said.

mx250

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #984 on: December 07, 2010, 10:59:57 am »

mx250

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #985 on: December 07, 2010, 06:12:56 pm »

TM BILL

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #986 on: December 08, 2010, 10:26:45 am »
 A black baby was given a pair of wings by God. He asks "God does this

> mean that I am an angel?

> God laughs 'of course not you silly prick. You’re a fly!



> Man naked, looks in the mirror and says to his wife "why do I always

> get a hard on when I look at myself?"

> Wife says "Coz your cock thinks you’re a c%^t too"

>

>

> Why is there only one pall bearer at a Ragheads  funeral?

> Because there’s only one handle on a wheelie bin!

>

>

> Talk about forking Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. I recently came back

> from a tour of duty in Afghanistan ..

> Having not seen my wife for months I was looking forward to a night of

> hot passionate sex.

> Unfortunately she came out of the shower with a towel around her head

> so I shot her!

>

>

> Two blokes talking. Do you look at your wife's face when you make love?

> I did once and saw the anger in her face.

> Why anger?

> Because she was watching from the forking window.

>

>

> > Scientists found that many women develop " Hoover 's Disease" after a

> year of marriage.

> They make a continuous forking whining noise and don't suck anymore.

>

>

> Just watched "antiques road show".

> This old lady placed a used tampon on the table and said "There you go

> you clever bastard tell me what period that’s from"

>

>

« Last Edit: December 08, 2010, 10:45:50 am by TM BILL »

TM BILL

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #987 on: December 08, 2010, 10:30:31 am »
Murphy's' old lady  had been  pregnant for some time and now  the time had come.

He brought her to the   doctor and the doctor began to deliver the  baby.

She had a little boy, and the  doctor looked over at Murphy and said. 'Hey,   Murph! You just had you a  son,!

'Ain't dat grand, !!' Murphy got  excited by this, but just then the doctor   spoke up and said, 'Hold on! We ain't   finished  yet, !'

The doctor  then delivered a little girl.

He said,  'Hey, Murph! You got you a  daughter, !!!!  She is a pretty lil ting, too....'

Murphy  got kind of puzzled by this and then the doctor  said, 'Hold on, we  aint got done yet,  !'

The doctor then delivered another boy  and said,  Murph, you just had   yourself another boy, !'

Murphy  said to the doctor, 'Doc, what caused all of dem   babies,?'

The doctor said, 'You  never know Murph, it was probably something that  happened during  conception.' 

Murphy said, 'Ah yeah, during  conception.'

When Murph and his wife went  home with their three  children, he sat  down with his wife and said,

'Mama, you  remember dat night  that we ran out of  Vaseline and we had to use dat dere 3-in-1  Oil.'


She said, 'Yeah, I   remember dat night...'

Murph said,  'I'll tell you, ......it's a  f?? kin' good ting we didn't  use WD-40.


Offline Husk72

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #988 on: December 08, 2010, 03:12:04 pm »
Ahhhh,all good stuff.


Scientists have recently discovered that the average weight for womens breasts is 1.5kgs.
They're yet to discover the average weight of a c#&t.
So, could you please pop on the scales and call me!


Chilean miner making love to his wife for the first time since released from under the ground....
"can we switch the lights off?"
"Of course,honey"
"can I have you from behind?"
"anything you want my brave boy."
"Ok,can I call you Pedro?"


A teacher asked her class to use the word handsome in a sentence
A blonde sticks her hand up and replies....
"When I'm sucking dick and my jaw gets sore,I use my handsome time."
I used to drink a lot.
I still do,but I used to,too.

Offline Husk72

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #989 on: December 08, 2010, 03:18:13 pm »
Two more....

I had my first night with my new Thai bride...
We got into foreplay,and I was sucking her off,when I thought, "Hang on a f#@king minute !

Marriage is like a deck of cards.
In the beginning all you need is 2 hearts and a diamond.
By the end you'll wish you had a f%#king club,and a spade!
I used to drink a lot.
I still do,but I used to,too.