Author Topic: Funnies/Jokes  (Read 662336 times)

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mx250

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #960 on: November 10, 2010, 08:35:19 am »
A woman's dog is drowning in the sea. A passing German tourist dives in, pulls out the dog, resuscitates it and saves its life.

'Are you a vet' asked the woman.

'Vet?' said the German 'Im f…ing soaked!'

mx250

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #961 on: November 10, 2010, 10:38:40 am »
Young Arab asks his father:

- What is this weird hat that we are wearing ?

-  It's a "chechia" because in the desert it protects our heads from the sun !

-  And what is this type of clothing that we are wearing ?

-  It's a "djbellah" because in the desert it is very hot and it protects your body !

-  And what are these ugly shoes that we have on our feet ?

-  These are "babouches", which keep us from burning our feet when in the desert !

-  Tell me, papa....

-  Yes, my son ?

-  ... Why are we living in Bankstown and still wearing all this shit ? 

Offline Frank M

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #962 on: November 11, 2010, 08:06:07 pm »
Why men do not get cellulite?


















Because it just looks like shit.  8)

mx250

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #963 on: November 11, 2010, 09:40:17 pm »



Offline shorelinemc

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #966 on: November 12, 2010, 09:12:05 am »
joel monahan has a new contract - with canterbury ,the bulldogs.they have asked for a drug test ,to which the answer was thats fine the sample is in the lab

monaro308

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #967 on: November 12, 2010, 09:48:01 am »
I found a young homeless girl hidden out by the bins last night.
She was dirty and didn't smell too good,but underneath the grime i could see she was pretty and
had a good body.
I brought her inside and gave her a bath.
As i was towelling off her naked body i became aroused and one thing led to another.
Before i knew it i was making passionate love to her.
I was banging her so hard that a couple of times you'd have sworn she was alive  :P

monaro308

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #968 on: November 12, 2010, 09:50:42 am »
My gran just walked in on me having a toss.
She was so surprised she had a stroke.
I couldn't believe how soft her hands were.....

monaro308

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #969 on: November 12, 2010, 10:01:04 am »
God visits a man and tells him he must give up smoking,drinking and sex if he wants to get into heaven...
The man says he'll try...
God visits the man a week later to see how he's getting on..
"Not bad" says the man. "I've given up smoking and drinking but when the wife bent over the lounge suite
& I caught sight of her long slender legs,I pulled up her skirt,pulled her knickers to one side and gave it to her hard and fast from behind".
"They don't like that in heaven" replies God...
The man says "They're not too happy about it in Harvey Norman either!"

Offline VMX247

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #970 on: November 19, 2010, 05:52:55 pm »
Good Mums let you lick the beaters,great Mums turn the mixer off first !!
Best is in the West !!

Offline matcho mick

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #971 on: November 23, 2010, 02:55:28 pm »






A blonde was on holiday and driving thru Darwin ..
She desperately wanted to take home a pair of genuine crocodile shoes but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle on prices" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde  shouted, "Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own crocodile, so I can get a pair of shoes for free".

The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile, "Little lady, just go and give it a try"!

The blonde headed out toward the river, determined to catch a crocodile! Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he pulls over to the side of the bank when he spots the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.

Just then, he spots a huge 3 metre croc swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning speed, she takes aim, kills the creature and hauls it onto the slimey banks of the river. Lying nearby were 7 more of the dead creatures, all lying on their backs.

The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement. The blonde struggled and flipped the Croc onto its back. Rolling her eyes heavenward and screaming in great frustration, she shouts out........." SHIT, SHIT, SHIT, THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO"
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 
 
 

 

 

 

 





work,the curse of the racing class!!
if a hammer dosn't fix it,you have a electrical problem!!

Offline pirie593

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #972 on: November 23, 2010, 04:42:16 pm »
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in
a small  club in Sydney western suburbs.
With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blond jokes
when a blond woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting:

 'I've heard enough of your stupid blond jokes. What makes you think you can
stereotype women that way? What does the colour of a person's hair have to do
with her worth as a human being? Its men like you who keep women like me from
being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full
potential as people.


 
Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes,
but women in general... and all in the name of humour!'


 The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, 'You
stay out of this mate! I'm talking to that little shit on your lap!'


TooFastTim

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #973 on: November 23, 2010, 05:34:52 pm »
To Be 6 Again!
 
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his  wife, who was
looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not
far off he asked what she'd like to
have for her birthday.
 
'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the mirror .
 
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall
of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.
 
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was
reeling and her stomach felt upside
down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a
chocolate shake.
 
Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favourite  candy,
M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!
 
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed
exhausted.
 
 
He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being six
again?'
 
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.
 
'I meant my dress size, you f*** retard!!!!'
 
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna
get it wrong.

Offline suzuki27

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #974 on: November 24, 2010, 01:45:46 pm »
I went to a really beautiful female Doctor for my annual check-up.
She told me I had to stop masturbating. I asked "why"?
She said,"because I am trying to examine you".