Funnies/Jokes

[jackiemac]

 

Today's lesson






Daddy's car in the woods?

 


Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the
school playground and go into the woods.Curious,
he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane
in a passionate embrace.

Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could
hardly contain himself as he ran home and
started to tell his mother.'Mummy, I was
at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into
the woods with Aunt Jane.I went back to look and
he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then
he helped her take off her shirt.Then Aunt Jane
helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane...'

At this point Mummy cut him off and said, 'Johnny,
this is such an interesting story, lets save the
rest of it for supper time..I want to see the
look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.'

At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked
little Johnny to tell his story Johnny started
his story, 'I was at the playground and I saw
Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.I
went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a
big kiss, then he helped her take off her
shirt.Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his
pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started
doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill
used to do when Daddy was away on the oil
rigs...'

Mummy fainted!

Moral:
Sometimes you need to just shut the f##k up and listen to the whole story before you interrupt!
 

 
Keep Smiling
Jackie Mac

[jackiemac]

 
A senior citizen goes in for his yearly physical with his wife tagging along.

When the doctor enters the examination room he says, "I will need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample."

The man, being hard of hearing, turns to his wife and asks, "What did he say?"
The wife yells back to him,
 
 
 "GIVE HIM YOUR UNDERPANTS"


 Keep Smiling
 Jackie Mac


 

[mx250]

Dave and his buddies were discussing an upcoming week end away of VMX racing and camping.
Unfortunately, Dave had to tell them that he couldn't go this time
because his wife wouldn't let him. After a lot of teasing and name
calling, Dave headed home, frustrated.
 
The following day when Dave's buddies arrived at the track to set up
camp, they were shocked to see Dave... He was already sitting at the
campground with a cold beer, swag rolled out, bike unpacked and ready to race, and
a camp fire glowing.
 
"How did you talk your missus into letting you go Dave?"
 
"I didn't have to," Dave replied. "Last night when I left our meeting, I
went home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows.
Then the ol' lady snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said,
'Surprise'."
 
"When I peeled her hands back she was standing there in a beautiful
see-through negligee and she said, 'Carry me into the bedroom, tie me
to the bed and you can do whatever you want!'
 
"Sooooo, HERE I AM!!"

[Curly3]

This may or may not have been done yet and I don't want to look through 30 odd pages to find out so here we go.

 It is a one word answere.

Q - What is - more evil than the devil
                - holier than God
                - the rich have it
                - the poor want it
                - and if you eat it you will die?

Someone has surely heard it.

[Curly3]

Correction.

The Poor have it &
The Rich want it

Lucky I showed the Leader of the Opposition.

[VMX247]

whats the answer Curly3



It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach. 

One human hair can support 3kg (6.6 lb).

The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.

 Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Women blink twice as often as men.

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

Women reading this will be finished now.

Men are still busy checking their thumbs. 

[Curly3]

I'll leave it out there a bit longer just to keep everyone in suspenders.

[Rosco400]

 
Just love this - saw it on Facebook
 
 
 
World's Shortest Fairy Tale
 
Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?' The girl said, 'NO!' And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.
 
The end

[bigk]

The local hairdresser broke her leg the other day. She can only cut hair on crutches now.
Cheers,
K

[shoey]

I remember that fairlytale Rossco , I lived that one for many years (minus the golf)

[Rosco400]

I remember that fairlytale Rossco , I lived that one for many years (minus the golf)

Like all good fairy tales, it comes to an end :'(

[matcho mick]

www.brainsweb.co.uk/uploads/the-wrong-bike.wmv

[Viper666]

The answer Curly3 is NOTHING
and wouldn't it be

The rich want FOR it? As they want for nothing

[jackiemac]

A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo.

She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps..

He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt.

As they walked through the ape exhibit,

They passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla.

Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy.

He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and two feet he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand.

He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny.

He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin.

She did... and the gorilla was about to tear the bars down.

"Now.... show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy and he started doing flips.

Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut.

"Now. Tell him you have a headache." 

 


Keep Smiling
Jackie Mac
 

[Curly3]

Good one Viper666.