Funnies/Jokes

[mx250]

Talk about the bleating obvious. You would wonder why some people would waste the time and paper

[mx250]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t7Y0I91rubg

[mx250]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kmuqq729DPM&feature=related

[shorelinemc]

Jackie, above course is not required as i am married and it is part of her job description ie wife -washing,ironing,food entertainment.

[suzuki27]

I am going to watch my wedding video later in reverse.
I love the part where she takes her ring off, walks down the aisle backwards, gets in the car and forks off.

[VMX247]

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle, they walk over to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, 'Dat's dem.'
The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.
'Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,' says Gerry.
The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.
Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the  Connor   Pass. 

At the  Connor   Pass  , Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, 'Dis looks like a grand place.'
He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.
Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, 'Fook dat.. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!'

 

THERE'S MORE.............
Moment's later; Seamus arrives up at ConnorPass.
He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other.
'Hi, Paddy, watch dis,' Seamus says.
He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free.
He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun.
Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot.
Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.
Paddy shakes his head and says, 'And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!'

IT IS NOT OVER YET................
Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears.
He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken.
Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.
Once more Paddy shakes his head.

'Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting... And now Sean and his fook'n hengliding!'

the end 
 

[mx250]

     
    Zen Teachings

    1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.
    Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.
    Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow.
    In fact, just piss off and leave me alone.

    2. Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.

    3. No one is listening until you fart.

    4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

    5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

    6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

    7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

    8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

    9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

    10. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.

    11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

    12. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the wind screen.

    13. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

    14. Good judgment comes from bad experience ... and most of that comes from bad judgment.

    15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

    16. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.

    17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

    18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

    19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass ... then things just keep getting worse.

    20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
     

[mx250]

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros.  He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more ... He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday.  He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with.  He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow, some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too.  He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank. He died ... I'm married to his freakin' widow."

[mx250]

Why I fired my Secretary.

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well
waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone " Happy Birthday."

I thought...
Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids....
They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word.

So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, "Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday ! "
It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock ,when Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me."
I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go !"

We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead  a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We ?"

I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind ?" She said, "Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner."

After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, " Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back."
 
"Ok."  I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake ... Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday".


And I just sat there...

On the couch...

Naked.

 

[mx250]

Middle aged women shouldn't.............

[TooFastTim]

Condom Factory burns down in Australia!
 
Kevin Rudd, Prime Minister of Australia, is awoken at 4am by the telephone.

“Kevin, it’s the health Minister here.   Sorry to bother you at this hour but there is an emergency!!!    I've just received word that the Durex factory in Sydney has burned to the ground.   It is estimated that the entire Australian supply of condoms will be gone by the end of the week!”

PM: “sh*t!!!  - the economy will never be able to cope with all those unwanted babies -  we'll be ruined!!” 

Health Minister: “We're going to have to ship some in from....Britain?”


PM: “No  chance!! The Poms will have a field day on this one!!”


Health Minister: “What about South Africa ?”

PM: “I'll  call SA - tell them we need ten million condoms;   ten inches long and eight inches thick!!   That way they'll continue to respect the wallabies!”

Three days later a delighted Kevin rushes out to open  the boxes.
He finds ten million condoms, 10 inches long, 8  inches thick, all coloured green and gold with small writing on each one...

      MADE IN  South Africa
              - SIZE:  Small

[mx250]

Do you think this would make the mother-in-law less likely or more likely to visit?

[TooFastTim]

An Australian, a Kiwi and South African are in a bar one night having a
beer.

All of a sudden the South African drinks his beer, throws his glass in
the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces. "In Seth Efrika
our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same one
twice," he says.

The Kiwi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass
into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces. "Wull
mate, in Noo Zulland we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't
need to drink out the same glass either," he says.

The Australian, cool as a Koala, picks up his beer and drinks it,throws
His glass in the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the South African and
the Kiwi.

He turns to the astonished barman and says,"In Strailya mate, we have so
many bloody South Africans and Kiwis that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice."

[mx250]

[mx250]

What were you thinking?