Funnies/Jokes

[Lozza]

Good EBAY AD 

[mx250]

An elderly, white-haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday evening with a beautiful young blonde at his side.

He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a £5,000 ring. The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."

At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only £40,000," he said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "By cheque. I know you need to make sure my cheque clears so I'll write it now, and you can call the bank on Monday morning to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up on Monday afternoon," he said.

On Monday morning, the jeweller 'phoned the old man and said "Sir, there's no money in that account."

"I know," said the old man, "but let me tell you about my weekend!"

Not all Seniors Are Senile

[mx250]

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
       
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a
gorgeous young woman on his arm.     
                                     
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're     
really doing great, aren't you?'
                                         
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be   
cheerful.''       
                                                       
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur;   
be careful.' 

[TC91]

A scientist has invented a bra that stops tits bobbing up and down & nipples sticking out in the cold. His colleagues have kicked his f!@#ng head in!

[jackiemac]

The very first ever Blonde GUY joke..... And well worth the wait!



An Irishman , a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."


 

The blonde opened his lunch and said, " Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day, th e Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.


The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.

The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said,

"Don't look at me. The idiot makes his own lunch

Keep Smiling
Jackie Mac
 


 

 
 

 

[mx250]

[VMX247]

[TM BILL]

The very first ever Blonde GUY joke..... And well worth the wait!



An Irishman , a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."


 

The blonde opened his lunch and said, " Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day, th e Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.


The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.

The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said,

"Don't look at me. The idiot makes his own lunch

Keep Smiling
Jackie Mac
 


 

 
 

 

Being half Irish and Blonde,  DJ better stay away from the kitchen.

[jackiemac]

 

When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him,  And during her questions about his life , she asked him how he had sex?

'Tarzan not know sex' he replied
 
Jane explained to him what sex was.
 
Tarzan said 'Oh,....Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree.'

Horrified Jane said, ' Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly.'

She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground.

'Here' she said,pointing to her privates, 'you must put it in here.'

Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood,stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch !

Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.


Eventually she managed to grasp for air and screamed ' What did you do that for ?
 

Tarzan replied, 'Check for squirrel.'

I have DECIDED that this is My favourite OZ VMX FORUM SECTION endless laughter, and "no bad hair day" forum user's

Ditto

Keep Smiling
Jackie Mac
 

 
 

[mainline]

New Standard Operating Procedures released today please learn

BBQ RULES 


It is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity.  When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion: 


Routine...   
(1)   The woman buys the food.   
(2)   The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert ..   
(3)   The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.   
(4)   The woman remains outside the compulsory three metre exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman. 


Here comes the important part:

 
(5)   THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.   
More routine...   
(6)   The woman goes inside to organise the plates and cutlery.   
(7)   The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat   
Important again:   
8   THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.   
More routine...   
(9)   The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.   
(10)   After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.   
And most important of all:   
(11)   Everyone   PRAISES   the   MAN   and   THANKS HIM   for his cooking efforts.   
(12)   The man asks the woman how she enjoyed '   her night off   ',   and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.

[jackiemac]

Franks new tee


keep Smiling
Jackie Mac

[jackiemac]

A teacher was doing a study testing the senses (taste)
of  first graders using a bowl of   lifesavers.                 


The children began to identify the flavors by their color:


Red.......................Cherry
Yellow...................Lemon
Green....................Lime
Orange................ Orange




Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. 
After eating them, none of the children could identify the taste.


'Well,' she said, 'I will give you all a clue. 
 It's what your mother may sometimes call your father.'


One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled, 
 'Oh my God!! They're ass-holes!' 

Keep Smiling
Jackie Mac
 
 
 

[211kawasaki]

Two gay guys living together in a house

The hous catches fire and the to guys run to escape the flames.

The question is.

Which gay guy escapes the fore first? Is it the one who takes it or the one who gives it?












Correct, its the one who takes it cos he's always got his shit packed and is ready to go.

[shorelinemc]

What do you never say in a gay bar?..................................could someone push my stool in

[Quicksilver]

 Testicle Therapy



                 Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in
                 horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men
                 playing the next hole.

                 The ball hit one of the men.

                 He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin,
                 fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in
                 agony.

                 The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately
                 began to apologize.  'Please allow me to help. I'm a
                 Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd
                 allow me, she told him.

                 'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the
                 man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position,
                 still clasping his hands there at his groin.

                  At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.
                 She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side,
                 loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

                 She administered tender and artful massage for several
                 long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?

                 He replied: It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken!