Funnies/Jokes

[jackiemac]

To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine...
And those who don't.

As Ben Franklin said:
In wine there is wisdom,
In beer there is freedom,
In water there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials,
Scientists have demonstratedthat if we drink
1 liter of water each day,
At the end of the year we would have absorbed
More than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. Coli) - bacteria   
Found in feces.
In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop..

However,
We do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer
(or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor)
Because alcohol has to go through a purification process
Of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
               
Remember:
Water = Poop,
Wine = Health.
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid,
Than to drink water and be full of shit. 

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information:
I'm doing it as a public service! 

Keep Smiling
Jackie Mac


 

[matcho mick]

Lawrence Livermore Laborities have made a startling discovery ,a new element,"Governmentium"

the new element governmentium (Gv)has one neutron,25 assistant neutrons,88 deputy assistant neutrons,& 198 deputy assistant neutrons,
giving it an atomic mass of 312
these 312 particles are held together by forces called morons,which are surrounded by lepton- like particles called peons
since governmentium has no electrons,it is inert,however,it can be detected
since it impedes every reaction in which it comes into contact.
a tiny amount of governmentium can cause a reaction that normally would take less than a few seconds,but will take from 4 days to 4 years to complete.
governmentium has a normal half life of 2-6 years,it does not decay,but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a proportion of the assistant neutrons & deputy neutrons exchange places.
in fact,Governmentiums mass will actually over time increase,since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neurons,forming isodopes.
this characteristic of moron promotions leads some scientists to believe that governmentium is formed whenever  morons reach a critical concentration.
this hypothetical quantity is  referred to as critical morass,but not hyporthetical is the location of governmentium,deposits found in every state capital,& a mother lode in Canberra
when catalyzed with money,governmentium becomes administratium,an element that radiates just as much energy as governmentium since it has half as many peons,but twice as many morons.

[VMX247]

How the heck did you add a new topic/heading to the funnies/jokes section 
    
subject, new discovery, the heaviest element known to science

I seriously have to give up red wine 
cheers

[matcho mick]

ooops (easy burbon,not merlo)

[drbob67]

http://www.trademe.co.nz/Browse/Listing.aspx?id=223309871

[Rosco400]

Good laugh, by the way dont type in worlds biggest zit on youtube like the seller suggests

[mx250]

A man walks into a bar with a pet crocodile by his side.

He puts the crocodile up on the bar,  turns to the astonished patrons....

'I'll make you a deal. I'll open this crocodile's mouth and place my manhood inside. Then the croc will close his mouth for one minute. 

'Then he'll open his mouth & I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.'

The crowd murmured their approval....

The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, & placed his manhood and related parts in the crocodile's open mouth.

The croc closed his mouth. The crowd gasped.

After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the crocodile hard on the top of its head. The croc opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered, and the first of his free drinks was delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer...
 
 'I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try.'

A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.

A Blonde woman timidly spoke up.........

'I'll try it - Just don't hit me so hard with the beer bottle!'

[TM BILL]

Mate of mine wanted to train as a Dentist but he was too short so he trained as a Gynocoligist 
The up side is he can change light bulbs in his hallway through the letter box 

[TM BILL]

Bloke kills a Dear brings it home and cooks it , kids ask dad whats this ? dad gives a clue "its what Mum calls me sometimes "

Kid Crys ! "dont eat it  its a forking arsehole "

[mx250]

A chicken farmer went to a local bar.... Sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne..

The woman perks up and says, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!'

'What a coincidence' the farmer says. 'This is a special day for me.... I am celebrating'

'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!' says the woman.

'What a coincidence!' says the farmer! As they clinked glasses the man asked, 'What are you celebrating?'

'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynaecologist told me that I am pregnant!'

'What a coincidence,' says the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.'

'That's great!' says the woman. 'How did your chickens become fertile?'

'I used a different cock,' he replied.

The woman smiled and said, 'What a coincidence.'

[mx250]

WHY DOGS ARE BETTER THAN WOMEN.

1.  The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.
 
2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
 
3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
 
4. A dog's parents never visit.
 
5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
 
6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.

7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.

8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, 'If I died, would you get another dog?'

10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and sell them.

11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.

12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.

13. Dogs like to ride in the back of the ute.

[mx250]

The lesbians next door to me, gave me a Rolex for my birthday.

Very nice, but I think they misunderstood me, when I said I wanna watch.

[mx250]

    Many aspects of human sexuality are very puzzling, take celibacy.

    This can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by environmental factors.

    While attending a Marriage Encounter weekend, Tony and Julie listened to the
    instructor declare "it is essential that husbands and wives know the things
    that are important to each other."

    He addressed the men, "Can each of you name and describe your wife's favourite flower?"

    Tony reached over, touched Julie's arm gently and whispered "Self-raising, isn't it?"

    Thus began Tony's life of celibacy. 

[mx250]

Reasons to Allow Drinking at Work

Try these out on your boss

The below are valid reasons as to why drinking should be allowed at work. If you use them wisely, you may even

be able to convince your boss into allowing alcohol.

1. It’s an incentive to show up.

2. It reduces stress.

3. It leads to more honest communications.

4. It reduces complaints about low pay.

5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.

6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.

7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.

8. It encourages carpooling.

9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you don’t care.

10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.

11. It makes fellow employees look better.

12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.

13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.

14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.

15. If someone does something stupid on the job, it will be quickly forgotten

[Lozza]

DUMB BLONDE