Funnies/Jokes

[Wombat]

A duck walks into a Hotel, waddles up to the Bar and jumps onto the bar stool.
"Good morning, I'm a duck. Do you have any bread?" he says to the Barman.
Barman looks at the duck and says, "No Mate, this is a Pub. I don't have any bread".
Duck looks disappointed, hops off the stool and waddles back out.

Two minutes later the duck re-enters the Bar, hops onto the barstool and looks at the Barman.
"Hi, I'm a duck. Do you have any bread?"
The Barman stares at the duck...
"Mate, I've told you once already. This is a pub. I don't have any bread. Now piss off!"
Duck looks glum. He hops off the stool and heads back out the doors.

After two minutes the duck waddles in again, up to the bar with the same question.
"I'm a Duck. Can I have some bread?"
"Mate, I've had a gutful!" says the Barman.
"I've told you I don't have any bread. If you ask me one more time I'll nail ya f#ckin' beak to the bar - now PISS OFF!!"
Duck ponders this; looks disappointed.
He hops off the stool and leaves the Hotel.

A few seconds later he returns and he's up on the barstool eye to eye with the Barman.
"Hi, I'm a duck. Do you have any nails?" he asks the Barman.
"NO, it's a Pub! I don't have any f#ckin' nails!" says the visibly shaking Barman.

"Cool; do you have any bread?"

[mx250]

A teacher was doing a study testing the senses (taste) of first graders using a bowl of lifesavers

The children began to identify the flavours by their colour:

Red.......................Cherry
Yellow.................Lemon
Green..................Lime
Orange................Orange

Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. After eating them, none of the children could identify the taste.

'Well,' she said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father.'

One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled, 'Oh my God!! They're ass-holes

[Tim754]

 Two line love poems to add sparkle to your black eyes.

        My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
       Marrying you screwed up my life.


           I see your face when I am dreaming.
           That's why I always wake up screaming.


           Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
           This describes everything you are not.


           Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
           But I only slept with you 'cause I was pissed.


           I thought that I could love no other --
           That is until I met your poofta brother.


           Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
            But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.
         


           I want to feel your sweet embrace;
           But don't take that paper bag off your face.


           I love your smile, your face, and your eyes -
           Damn, I'm so good at telling forking  lies!


           My love, you honestly take my breath away.
           What shit have you stepped in to smell that way?


           My feelings for you no words can tell,
           Except for maybe "Go to bloody hell."


           What inspired this amorous rhyme?
           Two parts vodka, one part lime.

     

*

[mx250]

NPL* Laboratories has discovered the heaviest element known to science. The new element, Governmentium (symbol=Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete. Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2 to 6 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.

(*Narellan Pub Laboratories, a non government full independant and opinionated public spirited charity  sponored by Jim Beam and others .)

[YZ250H]

Or a Virgin 

[mx250]

Just in case you weren't feeling "too" old today, this will certainly change things.

The people who started university this year across the nation were born in 1989.

Star Wars is older than them.

Their lifetime has always included AIDS.

Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.

They have always had an answering machine

They cannot fathom not having a remote control.

They have always had CD's, never records.

Ray Martin has been on Channel 9 their entire life.

Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.

They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.

They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.

They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.

They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J. R. even was. 

McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers.

They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.

Do you feel old yet? (Sorry) Pass this on to the other old fogies on your list.
Notice the larger type, that's for those of you who have trouble reading.

[VMX247]

Yep loved the larger type/font   

[mx250]

Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns


Dear Walter,

I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work
leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't
driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the
car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.


When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom
with the neighbours daughter. I am 32, my husband is 34, and the
neighbours' daughter is 22. We have been married for ten years. When I
confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an
affair for the past six months.

I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was sacked from his
Job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly
depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the
ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counselling and I'm
afraid I can't get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?

Sincerely,

Sheila

-------------------------------


Dear Sheila:


A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a
variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no
dirt in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on
the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these
approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is
faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.

I hope this helps.


Walter.

--------------------------------------------

I don't get it but someone seems to think that its a good joke. It seems a perfectly good answer if you ask me.
 

[pancho]

a bloke fronted up to the bar in the local pub ,pulled out of his pocket a 6" high piano ,then a pet rat. he said to the bar manager "if this rat can play the piano will you give me a free beer? "sure" said the bar man with a disbelieving smerk. so the rat sets to and starts into rachmaninof with amazing talent. the bar man gave him his beer. .he finished his beer and pulled a frog from another pocket and said "if this frog can sing ok will you shout me drinks for the rest of the day? "ok" he said, with that the frog bursts into song with a voice that would rival pavorotti!... every one is astounded!... a fellow in an amani suit comes over and offers him $1000 for the frog "no thanks" he says, the offer keeps going up till it gets to $500000, the bloke gives in and says "ok".the amani man pays up in 1/2 an hour and goes off with the frog. the bar man said "you"re nuts... you could have made millions with that frog" the bloke said.. "not really the rat is a ventriloquist"

[Wombat]

A bloke enters a building site and approaches the Foreman saying, "Mate, I'm here about the handyman job you posted on the fence".
Foreman looks pleased, points at the Brickies and says, "Bewdy, we need a handyman real bad so you can start straight away - the Brickies are out of mortar, go throw a batch into the mixer".

New fella says, "I'm not real good with a shovel...".

Foreman says, "No worries, go help the Painter undercoat those new doors".
New fella says, "Painting! Mate, I'm not real flash with a paint brush either...".

Foreman has a good look at this bloke, thinks a bit and says, "Bugger, how's about you grab that hammer and knock down that old stud wall".
New fella laughing says, "Yeah I dunno... I'm not too co-ordinated when it comes to swingin' a hammer...".

The Foreman looks at the new fella, draws a big breath and says:
"Mate, ya can't operate a shovel, ya can't hold a paint brush and a hammer gives ya problems?!".
"What the f*ck makes you a handyman?".

New fella pointing says," I'm real handy - I live over there in that house on the corner".   

[mx250]

Two Irish hunters got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose, where they
managed to bag six of the mighty beasts.

As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take
only four of the moose.

The two lads objected strongly. "Last year we also shot six, and the pilot
let us take them all. He had the exact same plane as yours!"

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six moose were loaded on to the plane.

Once airborne, however, the little plane couldn't handle the heavy load,
and it went down into a snow covered valley.

Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, Paddy and Mick survived the crash.

After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, "Any idea where we
are?"

Mick replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last
year.

[mx250]

Those with failing eye sight might like to use the following chart to check their eyes.....

How ya go?

[Hoony]

A bloke goes to the doctor with a large strawberry stuck in his arse !

Quack says "i will give you some cream for that !"

[pancho]

true bravery is arriving at home at 2am after a boys night out, being assualted by your wife with a broom, and still having the guts to ask "are you cleaning, or are you getting ready to fly somewhere?

[mx250]

Our  troops in Afghanistan prove they've retained their sense

of humour with the following

'YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN IF...'

1. You refine heroin for a   living, but you have a moral objection to beer.
 
2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.
 
3. You have more wives than teeth.
 
4. You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon 'unclean...'
 
5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
 
6. You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.
 
7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.
 
8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
 
9. You've often uttered the phrase, 'I love what you've done with your cave.'
 
10. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one.
 
11. You bathe at least monthly whether necessary or not.
 
12. You have a crush on your neighbour's goat.