Author Topic: Funnies/Jokes  (Read 662586 times)

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Offline matcho mick

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #180 on: January 08, 2009, 10:30:02 pm »
Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle,she was attracted to him,& during her questions about his life,she asked him how he had sex,
"Tarzan not know sex",he repiled,Jane explained to him what sex was!,
Tarzan repied,"oh......Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree",
 horrified, Jane said,"Tarzan,you have it all wrong,but i will show you how to do it properly"
she took off her clothing,& lay down on the ground,"Here " she said,pointing to her privates,"you must put it in here"
tarzan removed his loincloth,showing Jane his considerable manhood,stepped closer to her,& kicked her in the crotch!,
Jane rolled about in agony for what seemed an eternity,
Eventually she managed to gasp for air,& screamed,"What did you do that for"
Tarzan replied
"just checking for squirrel"
work,the curse of the racing class!!
if a hammer dosn't fix it,you have a electrical problem!!

mx250

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #181 on: January 09, 2009, 11:59:21 am »
I like it Mick  ;D.

Have I put this up before? Ah, it worth a revisit anyway ;) ;D.


Offline GD66

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #182 on: January 11, 2009, 04:36:51 pm »
 It's been confirmed that actress Dawn French has contracted the Ebola flesh-eating disease. Doctors have given her 27 years to live... ;)
Nostalgia's not what it used to be....

mx250

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #183 on: January 19, 2009, 08:20:02 pm »
I was in Bunnings the other day pushing my cart around when I collided with a young guy pushing his cart.
 
 I said to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife and I guess
 I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
 
 The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife,
 too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
 
 I said, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"
 
 The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with blonde hair, big blue
 eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top
 and no bra. What does your wife look like?"
 
 I said, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."
 
 Most old guys like me are helpful like that.  ;D.

Offline LWC82PE

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #184 on: January 19, 2009, 08:24:15 pm »
thats funny ;D
Wanted - 1978 TS185 frame or frame&motor. Frame # TS1852-24007 up to TS1852-39022

mx250

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #185 on: January 20, 2009, 10:19:36 am »
;) :D ;D


;) :D ;D

Offline VMX247

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #186 on: January 20, 2009, 02:50:21 pm »
Wonder if they play that song by the ANGELS  ,,,,,,,,,,,,, "am I ever gonna see your face again....no way.......g.. f...... ,f....off.

 ;)  :D
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mx250

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #187 on: January 21, 2009, 12:06:58 am »
A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.

The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, 'It's golf balls'.

Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, deeply thinking about what he had said.

After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked

'Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?'

Offline jackiemac

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #188 on: January 21, 2009, 05:47:33 pm »
 
An old man goes into a drug store to buy some Viagra

'Can I have 6 tablets, cut in quarters?'
   
'I can cut them for you' said Dan the pharmacist '
but a quarter tablet will not give you a full erection. '
   
'I'm 96' said the old man. 

'I don't want an erection,

I just want it sticking out far enough

so I don't piss on my slippers !'

 
 
Keep Smiling :)
Jackiemac
Be kind to your neighbour!!

mx250

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #189 on: January 22, 2009, 07:40:04 pm »
 ;D ;D ;D :D :D :D ;) ;) ;)


Rosco400

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #190 on: January 22, 2009, 08:39:42 pm »
a Real Old wrikly lady in a nursing home sticks her hand up in the air and says," if anyone here can guess what ive got in my hand, Ill give you sex"

An old bloke with dementia pipes up and says" I think its a caravan to which she replies" Thats close enough :)

firko

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #191 on: January 23, 2009, 10:22:13 am »
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Rob Langlands sent me this this morning. Of course I totally disagree. :o





 
      THE SPOILED UNDER-30 CROWD!!!

            When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears
      With their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When
they were growing up; what with walking Twenty-five miles to school
every morning

      ... Uphill... barefoot.

      BOTH ways

      Yadda, yadda, yadda

      And I remember promising myself that when I grew up,
      There was no way in hell I was going to lay
      A bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it

      And how easy they've got it!

      But now that... I'm over the ripe old age of
      Thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of
today.

      You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my
      Childhood, you live in a damn Utopia!

      And I hate to say it but you kids today you
      Don't know how good you've got it!

      I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet. If we
wanted to know something, We had to go to the damn library and
      Look it up ourselves, in the card catalogue!!

      There was no email!! We had to actually write
      Somebody a letter, with a pen!

      ...Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put
it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!

      There were no MP3's or Napsters! You wanted to
      Steal music, you had to hitchhike to the damn record store and
shoplift it yourself!

      Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and
the DJ'd usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up!


      We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you
      Were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy
signal, that's it!

      And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either!
      When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be
your school,
      Your mom, your boss, your Bookie, your drug dealer, a
collections agent, you
      Just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your
chances, mister!

      We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video
      Games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600!
With games
      Like 'Space Invaders' and 'asteroids'. Your guy was a little
square! You
      Actually had to use your Imagination!! And there were no
multiple levels or
      Screens, it was just one screen
      Forever!

      And you could never win. The game just kept getting
      Harder and harder and
      Faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!


      You had to use a Little book called a TV Guide to find out what
was
      On! You were screwed when it Came to channel surfing! You had
to get off
      Your ass and walk over to the TV to change the Channel and
there was no
      Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons
      On Saturday Morning. Do you Hear what I'm saying!?! We had to
wait ALL WEEK
      For cartoons, you spoiled
      Little rat-bastards!

      And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat
      Something up we had to use the stove ... Imagine that!

      That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids
      Today have got it too easy.
      You're spoiled. You guys wouldn't have lasted
      Five minutes back in 1980!

      Regards,
      The over 30 Crowd

   
 
 
 

Offline pancho

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #192 on: January 23, 2009, 03:04:45 pm »
 small town, the boss cop says to his constable "we're getting to many drunks in town too early in the day,go down the pub and pull them into line." the constable sees this drunk outside the pub and says "it's 1 oclock and your drunk" and gives him a belt over the head with his baton.the drunk says f@#$!k i'm glad you didn"t come an hour ago!
dont follow me i'm probably off line!

090

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #193 on: January 24, 2009, 09:47:19 am »
Johnny gets ready for work, wife is making breakfast and says , "are you okay Johnny? You look crook?"
"Im fine he says" , and sets off to work.
Upon entering work , a colleague asks if he is feeling well as he looked like shit.
"I feel fine" he said and made his way to the coffee machine wear he bumps into another co-worker.
"Gees Johnny, you look terrible, you should go to the doctors looking like that!"
"Thats the thing" ( said Johnny), "you're the third person thats said that, i might go see a doctor just in case. I do feel quite good though. i will go see the boss and ask for the day off to see the quack".
Johnny goes up to the office to see the boss, to which the boss says " wow Johnny, sit down. You look like shit! You should be at the doctors looking like that"
"Thats the thing, i feel good but everyone says i look like shit".
So off to the doctors.
"Come in Johnny, gee you look like shit"
"Thats what everyone is saying. I look like shit, but i feel quite good!"
Doc pulls out his medical book for a diagnosis.

"Looks bad, feels bad..no"

"Looks good ,feels good...no"

"Looks bad,feels good..aha!"

The doc reads the the diagnosis.

" I dont know how to tell you this Johnny, but you're a C**T!!"

Offline Hoony

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #194 on: January 24, 2009, 11:14:10 am »
A dark night, cold wind blowing, campfire flickering,

Stars twinkling in the dark sky.

Three hang-glider pilots are sitting by the campfire,

One from Australia , one from Seth Efrika and one from New Zulland.

Each embroiled in the bravado for which they are famous.

The night of tales begins...

Kiven the Kiwi says, 'I must be the meanest, toughest, heng  glider there es. Why, jist the other day I linded in a field and scared a crocodeale, who came out of the swamp and ate sux min who were standen close by. I grebbed the crocodeale and wristled him to the ground and killed 'em with my beer hends'

Hansie from Seth Efrika who typically can't stand to be bettered said, 'Well you guys, I lended orfter a 200 mile flight in my heng glider on a tiny trail, and a Namibian snike slid out from under a rock and made a move on me. I grebbed de borsted with me bare hinds and beet it's head off ind then sucked the poison from it's body down in one gulp. End I'm still here today'

Colin the Australian remained silent, slowly poking the fire with his penis.

Long time Honda Fan, but all bike nut in general, Big Bore 2 stroke fan.    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XJoKP6MawYI
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1986 Honda CR250RG
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