Funnies/Jokes

[VMX247]

Wombat,that would have to be the bestest worstest sexist pic I have ever seen 
you'd even have a bike polisher in that lot      
Alison

[cyclegod]

Ever been this drunk?

[VMX247]

Little 4 year old Johnie is playing with his testicles in the bath and asks
"Mum are these my brains in here"
Mum replies "Not yet Son"   

[mx250]

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that  I should fix it.  But somehow I always had something else to take care of first - the ute, the car, the bikes. Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home  one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny  pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp. Should be fine to ride VMX though .

[matcho mick]

a teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students,"Human beings are the only animals that stutter",she says

a little girls raises her hand,"i had a kitty-cat who stuttered" she volunteered,

the teacher,knowing how precious some of these stories could become,asked the girl to describe the incident,

Well,she began ,I was in the backyard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start & before we knew it,he jumped over the fence into our yard,

"that must have been scary,"said the teacher,

"It sure was",said the little girl,my kitty raised his back,went Fffff Fffff Ffffff,and before he could say fork,the Rottweiler ate  him!!

[pokey]

Mummy Works at Bunnings and sells shovels

[jackiemac]

A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie. The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes. The genie said, "Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I'm a one-wish genie. So... what'll it be?"The woman did not hesitate.
 
She said, "I want peace in the Middle East.See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa.It will bring about world peace and harmony."The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years.. I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable.
 
"The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know - one that's considerate and fun, romantic,likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is good in bed, and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That is what I wish for...a good man."The genie let out a sigh and said, "Let me see the f*cking map again."

Keep Smiling
Jackie Mac
www.vmxshotz.com



 

 

[mx250]

 
"The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know - one that's considerate and fun, romantic,likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is good in bed, and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That is what I wish for...a good man."The genie let out a sigh and said, "Let me see the f*cking map again."

I don't get it. I know 100's of guys who meet the specs, starting with me .

[mx250]

sports all the time, and is faithful. That is what I wish for...a good man."The genie let out a sigh and said, "Let me see the f*cking map again."

I don't get it. I know 100's of guys who meet the specs, starting with me .
[/quote]   


Quote from: vmx247 on November 18, 2008, 04:13:40 PM
 
Love thy neighbor. Cool
I do, but she won't love me back
SOMETHING JUST DON"T ADD UP  MX250 
[/quote]

You're preplexed!!!! Well that makes two of us . I think they call it 'women's logic'  .

[Wombat]

Yep, I expect to see that sort of thing whenever I watch these blokes.
Who here would've tried this 'free style' stuff if it was happenin' back in the day... I don't think I would.

[Tim754]

The truth of failure can be written in words too. Take for instance, when you lean over to peer at what wisdom is written on the toilet floor and it states, "if you can read this you have just shit on your ankles and undies...."

[mx250]

A guy is driving around the back of some woods and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: "Talking Dog For Sale."

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the garden. The guy goes into the garden and sees a nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Labrador replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says, "So, what's your story?"

The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA.  In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.  I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running."

"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in."

"I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars," the guy says.

"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar - he never did any of that stuff." 

[caps 999]

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. if I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey,don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me"
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's!

[jackiemac]

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home.

He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:
'Dear Lord:

I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home.

I want her to know what I go through.

So, please allow her body to switch with mine for a day.
 
Amen!'

God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.

The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman.

He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate,
Awakened the kids,

Set out their school clothes,

Fed them breakfast,

Packed their lunches,

Drove them to school,

Came home and picked up the dry cleaning,

Took it to the cleaners

And stopped at the bank to make a deposit,

Went grocery shopping,

Then drove home to put away the groceries,

Paid the bills and balanced the check book.

He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog.

Then, it was already 01P.M.

And he hurried to make the beds,
Do the laundry, vacuum,

Dust,

And sweep and mop the kitchen floor.

Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home.

Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework.

Then, set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.

At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper.

After supper,

He cleaned the kitchen,

Ran the dishwasher,

Folded laundry,

Bathed the kids,

And put them to bed.

At 09 P.M .

He was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.

The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said: -
'Lord, I don't know what I was thinking.

I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day.

Please, oh! Oh! Please, let us trade back.

Amen!'

The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied:
 
'My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were.
You'll just have to wait nine months, though.

You got pregnant last night.'


This has been voted Women's Favorite E-mail of the Year!

If you agree, send it to all your friends who would enjoy this!!!!!

[mx250]

In the first two weeks since the election, President-elect Barack Obama has broken with a tradition established over the past eight years through his controversial use of complete sentences, political observers say.

Millions of Americans who watched Mr. Obama's appearance on CBS' "Sixty Minutes" on Sunday witnessed the president-elect's unorthodox verbal tick, which had Mr. Obama employing grammatically correct sentences virtually every time he opened his mouth. But Mr. Obama's decision to use complete sentences in his public pronouncements carries with it certain risks, since after the last eight years many Americans may find his odd speaking style jarring. According to presidential historian Davis Logsdon of the University of Minnesota , some Americans might find it "alienating" to have a President who speaks English as if it were his first language. "Every time Obama opens his mouth, his subjects and verbs are in agreement," says Mr. Logsdon.  "If he keeps it up, he is running the risk of sounding like an elitist." The historian said that if Mr. Obama insists on using complete sentences in his speeches, the public may find itself saying, "Okay, subject, predicate, subject predicate - we get it, stop showing off."

The President-elect's stubborn insistence on using complete sentences has already attracted a rebuke from one of his harshest critics, Gov. Sarah Palin of Alaska . "Talking with complete sentences there and also too talking in a way that ordinary Americans like Joe the Plumber and Tito the Builder can't really do there, I think needing to do that isn't tapping into what Americans are needing also," she said.