Author Topic: Funnies/Jokes  (Read 662491 times)

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Offline Wombat

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #135 on: October 18, 2008, 08:21:15 am »
Help me with the dishes.
"Whadaya mean it's too loud?! It's a f*ckin' race bike!! That pipe makes it go louder - and look faster!!"

Offline Bruised

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #136 on: October 18, 2008, 03:54:50 pm »

Woman whispering .....

Fine:
This is the word they use at the end of any argument  that they feel they are right about but need to shut you up.  NEVER use fine to describe how woman looks.  This will cause you to have one of those arguments.

Five minutes:
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so they feel that it's an even  trade.
 
Nothing:
This means something, and you should be on your toes.  "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine".
 
Go Ahead (with raised eyebrows):
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".
 
Go Ahead (normal eyebrows):
This means "I give up" or "do what you  want because I don't care". You will get a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a few  minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

Loud Sigh:
This is not actually a word, but is still often a  verbal statement very misunderstood by men.  A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over  "Nothing".
 
Soft Sigh:
Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft  Sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay content.
 
Oh:
This word followed by any statement is trouble.  Example; "Oh, let me get that".  Or, "Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night". If she says "Oh" before a statement, run, do not walk, to the nearest exit.  She will tell you that she is "Fine" when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least 2 days.  "Oh" as the lead to a sentence usually signifies that you are caught in a lie.  Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will get raised eyebrows "Go ahead" followed by acts so unspeakable that I can't bring myself to write about them.
 
That's Okay:
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man.  “That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you retributions for what ever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead". At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

Please Do:
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for  doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay".

Thanks:
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint; just say you’re welcome.

Thanks A Lot:
This is much different than "Thanks". A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh". Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh", as she will only tell you “Nothing".
The Romans didn’t build a great empire by organising meetings.  They did it by killing anybody who got in their way.

All people are your relatives; therefore expect only trouble from them

Offline Wombat

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #137 on: October 27, 2008, 06:45:17 pm »
A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. 

Up to that moment he had been happily listening to his Walkman.
"Whadaya mean it's too loud?! It's a f*ckin' race bike!! That pipe makes it go louder - and look faster!!"

mx250

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #138 on: October 28, 2008, 08:23:34 am »
A man and his wife were celebrating together for 50 years. Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honour.

'Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad,' gushed son number one .... 'Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and didn't have time to get you a gift.'

'Not to worry,' said the father. 'The important thing is that we're all together today.'

Son number two arrived and announced, 'You and Mom look great, Dad.. I just flew in from Sydney between cases and didn't have time to shop for you.'

'It's nothing,' said the father, 'We're glad you were able to come.'

Just then the daughter arrived, 'Hello and happy anniversary! I'm sorry, but my boss is sending me overseas and I was really busy packing so I didn't have time to get you anything.'

After they had finished dessert, the father said, 'There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to send each of you to college. Throughout the years your mother and I knew that we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married.'

The three children gasped and all said, 'You mean we're bastards?'

'Yep,' said the father. 'And cheap ones too.'  ;D

mx250

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #139 on: October 28, 2008, 08:25:35 am »
I tried a Viagra....



....... it got caught in my throat and I have had a stiff neck all day!! :D ;D

Offline Wombat

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #140 on: October 31, 2008, 08:19:08 pm »
I can't locate that thread where we posted odd pictures and graphics so here's where I'll put it...
I took this photo of a spectator at the Gold Coast dirt track event two weeks ago:
"Whadaya mean it's too loud?! It's a f*ckin' race bike!! That pipe makes it go louder - and look faster!!"

Offline VMX247

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #141 on: October 31, 2008, 09:51:18 pm »
Wombat,
Hope there was no Bin laden fans at the  event. ;) ;D
Can't really imagine there would be.

The silly photos and graphics page you are after is in General Discussion on page 2.
cheers
Alison
hey check out the amount of posts on OZVMX forum,,(main page at the bottom ) someone is going to be number 444444 ........cool,wonder if they will win a stubbie holder from VMX mag  ;D
« Last Edit: October 31, 2008, 09:59:54 pm by vmx247 »
Best is in the West !!

Offline VMX247

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #142 on: November 03, 2008, 04:29:17 pm »
This  is enough to make you think twice about fishing!
 
 
 
Saturday morning I got up early, dressed quietly, made my lunch,
grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to
the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential down pour.

The wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on
the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the
day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into
bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different
anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'

My loving wife of 20 yrs replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband
is out fishing in that shit?'

I still don't know to this day if she was joking, but I have stopped
fishing
Best is in the West !!

Offline Tim754

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #143 on: November 03, 2008, 07:11:30 pm »
A suicide bomber bursts through the doors of a pet shop and screams " you all got 30 seconds to get out!" little tortoise at rear of the shop screams back " YOU C**T"
« Last Edit: November 05, 2008, 08:31:15 pm by Tim754 »
I may not agree with what you have to say, but I'll defend to the death your right to say it.
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Offline caps 999

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #144 on: November 04, 2008, 08:48:01 pm »
There are these three guys in a desert dying of dehydration. Off in the horizon they see a house and finally manage to struggle to it. The first guy goes up to the door to ask for water. The door is opened by this really old, wart-covered, puss covered, scaly, toothless old woman.

"C-c-c-can I h-h-h-have some w-w-w-water for me and m-my friends?" he asks.

She replied, "I will... if you have sex with me."

The guy pukes all over the woman and runs back to his friends.

"You guys would not believe who answered the door. Some really gross old lady!" he tells them. "She said we could have water if I had sex with her."

"Why didn't you then?" asks he second guy.

"Because she was so ugly, I was sick and couldn't do it!"

"Oh, you are such a wuss. I'll go up to the door," the second guy says.

He goes up to the door and rings the bell. The old hag answers.

"W-w-w-w-w-w-waaaaaa......" He uses all of his will power to not hurl.

"Water? Yes, I have water," she says knowingly. "But you have to have sex with me."

"AAAAAUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!"

He runs back to his friends and before he could say a word, the third guy goes to the door and rings the bell.

"What do you want for some water?"

"You have to have sex with me."

Knowing that if he doesn't do something, he and his friends will all die. So he follows the lady into her kitchen.

"Do me here," she told him.

He sees 3 ears of corn on the counter and gets an idea.

"Lay back and close your eyes. And keep them closed!"

The witch lays back and spreads her legs. The guy nearly pukes after seeing this. He picks up an ear of corn and screws her with it. Finally she is finished. He throws the corn out the window.

"Oh, God. That was the best orgasm of my life. If you do that again I will give you a million dollars."

"Then lay back and close your eyes again."

This she does and he does her with the second ear of corn until she is satisfied. Then he throws it out the window. This time she doesn't even open her eyes.

"If you do that again, I will give you a Jeep so you can get out of the desert."

"Eyes closed," he says.

Then he does her with the last piece of corn. He brings her to multiple orgasms.

"Ohhhhhhhhh........ The water, money and Jeep are outside," she says as she squirms in ecstasy.

So he runs like hell outside and grabs the water and money and jumps into the Jeep. He wonders where his friends are and drives around to find them. He finds them by the window.

One of the guys says to him, "Hey, man. I hope you had fun. We just ate the three best pieces of buttered corn you could have imagined!"
MUGEN power

Offline caps 999

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #145 on: November 04, 2008, 08:49:43 pm »
This boy has just taken his girlfriend back to her home after being out together, and when they reach the front door he leans with one hand on the wall and says to her, "Sweetie, why don't you give me a blowjob?"

"What? You're crazy!" she said.

"Look, don't worry," he said. "It will be quick, I promise you."

"Nooooooo! Someone may see us, a neighbor, anybody..."

"At this time of the night no one will show up. Come on, sweetie, I really need it."

"I've already said NO, and NO is final!"

"Honey, it'll just be a really small blowie... I know you like it too."

"NO!!! I've said NO!!!"

Desperately, he says, "My love, don't be like that. I promise you I love you and I really need this blowjob."

At this moment the younger sister shows up at the door in her nightgown and her hair totally in disorder. Rubbing her eyes she says: "Dad says, 'Dammit, give him the blowjob or I'll have to blow him but for God's sake, tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom button so the rest of the family can get some sleep.'"
MUGEN power

Offline caps 999

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #146 on: November 04, 2008, 08:52:27 pm »
A woman starts dating a doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they don't know what to do. About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection. The doctor says to the woman,
"I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle."
"Do you think it will work?" she asks.
"It's worth a try." he says. So, the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest.
After the operation he goes in to the priest and says, "Father, you're not going to believe this.".
"What?" asks the priest, "what happened?".
"You gave birth to a child!".
"But that's impossible!" says the priest.
"I just did the operation," insists the doctor, "it's a miracle! Here's your baby."
About fifteen years go by, and the priest realises he must tell his son the truth. One day, he sits the boy down and says,
"Son, I have something to tell you. I'm not your father." The son says,
"What do you mean, you're not my father?" The priest replies,
"I am your mother. The archbishop is your father.".
MUGEN power

Offline Tim754

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #147 on: November 09, 2008, 07:39:36 pm »
I was at an ATM money machine when an old lady came up and asked me to check her balance.
So I pushed her over.

I may not agree with what you have to say, but I'll defend to the death your right to say it.
                                                   Voltaire.

Offline Wombat

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #148 on: November 13, 2008, 08:20:34 pm »
Dishwasher and sandwich maker sale!
Crazy prices! Everything must go!
"Whadaya mean it's too loud?! It's a f*ckin' race bike!! That pipe makes it go louder - and look faster!!"

Offline cyclegod

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #149 on: November 13, 2008, 08:37:26 pm »
Anyone got a light..
Ban BLACK rims NOW