Author Topic: Funnies/Jokes  (Read 652656 times)

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Offline Freakshow

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #1470 on: December 01, 2011, 02:06:54 pm »
Best one of them i seen was on a Young guys car. 

It had a Guy and a Lady figure.

the text underneath each one said  " me "  " your mum"
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Offline vmx42

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #1471 on: December 01, 2011, 02:14:23 pm »
Best one of them i seen was on a Young guys car. 

It had a Guy and a Lady figure.

the text underneath each one said  " me "  " your mum"

 ;D  ;D  ;D
When a woman says "What?", it's not because she didn't hear you, she's giving you the chance to chance to change what you said.

Beam me up Scotty, no intelligent life down hereā€¦

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Offline Canam370

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #1472 on: December 01, 2011, 03:42:32 pm »
Saw on the rear window   'Die tailgating scum!'

 As a counter I'm gonna have a reversed decal on my windscreen saying   'Move over traffic clot!'
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Offline Mike52

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #1473 on: December 01, 2011, 03:43:19 pm »
A bloke's wife goes missing while holidaying on the West Australian
coast. He spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to
her. Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a
couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable. The Sarge
says, "Mate, we have some news for you. Unfortunately some Really bad
news, but, some good news and maybe some really good news". "Well," says
the bloke, "You'd better let me have it both barrels, what's the bad
news?" The Sarge says, "I'm really sorry pal, but your wife is dead.
Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft
in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was
dead." The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has
a bit of a turn. After a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks
what the good news is. The Sarge says, "Well when we got your wife up
there were quite a few really good sized crays and a swag of nice crabs
attached to her wetsuit, so we've brought you your share." And he hands
the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five crabs
in it. "Geez thanks. They're bloody beaut... I guess it's an ill wind
and all that. Now, what's the really good news?" "Well", the Sarge says,
"me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 O'clock and we're
gonna shoot over there and pull her up again!... you fancy comin' with
us?"
Laughing so much I'me crying Toolie , the missus aint real impressed tho. ;D ;D ;D ;D
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Offline pancho

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #1474 on: December 01, 2011, 06:57:28 pm »
 A bloke was seen walking down the main street of Penrith dragging a cabbage on the end of a lead.
 When curiosity got the better of me I asked 'why are you dragging that cabbage along like that?'
 He answered 'cabbage?, I thought it was a collie!'
 cheers.
dont follow me i'm probably off line!

mx250

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #1475 on: December 02, 2011, 09:57:32 am »
Irish Maths Test

A  Irishman wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little maths test.

Here is your first question, the foreman said.  "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."

"Without numbers?"  The  Irishman says? "Dat is easy." And proceeds to draw three trees.



"What's this?" the boss asks.

"Have you ain't got no brain ya Aussie git?  Tree and tree plus tree makes 9" says the  Irishman.

"Fair enough," says the boss.  "Here's your second question.  Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."

The  Irishman stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree... "Ere you go."



The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"

"Each of da trees is dirty now.  So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, plus dirty tree.  Dat makes 99."

The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this  Irishman, so he says, "All right, last question.  Same rules again, but represent the number 100."


The  Irishman stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go.  One hundred."



The boss looks at the attempt.  "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"

The  Irishman leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and whispers, "A little dog come along and poop by each tree.
So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes ONE HUNDRED!"


The  Irishman is now head of Qantas ;D



Offline Davy123

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #1476 on: December 04, 2011, 01:14:30 am »

TooFastTim

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #1477 on: December 05, 2011, 11:31:44 am »
Psychiatrist & Proctologist

Best friends graduated from medical school at the same time and decided that, in spite of two different specialties, they would open a practice together to share office space and personnel.

Dr. Smith was the psychiatrist and Dr. Jones was the proctologist. They put up a sign reading:

"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors".

The town council was livid and insisted they change it.

So, the docs changed it to read: "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids".

This was also not acceptable, so they again changed the sign.

"Catatonics and High Colonics" - No go.

Next, they tried "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives" - thumbs down again.

Then came "Minds and Behinds" - still no good.

Another attempt resulted in "Lost Souls and Butt Holes" - unacceptable again!

So they tried "Analysis and Anal Cysts" - not a chance.

"Nuts and Butts" - no way.

"Freaks and Cheeks" - still no good.

"Loons and Moons" - forget it.

Almost at their wit's end, the docs finally came up with:

"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones - Specializing in Odds and Ends".

Everyone loved it.

Offline matcho mick

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #1478 on: December 05, 2011, 09:58:38 pm »

This is alarming!

Beer contains female hormones! Yes, that's right, FEMALE hormones!  Last month, Montreal  University and scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption.   The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.
 
To test the theory, 100 men each drank 8 schooners
of beer within a one (1) hour period.
 

It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects,
yes, 100% of all these men :
1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally, and
8) Had to sit down while urinating.


 
That proved it !



No further testing was considered necessary.
 

work,the curse of the racing class!!
if a hammer dosn't fix it,you have a electrical problem!!

Offline EML

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #1479 on: December 06, 2011, 09:18:53 am »
Oh shit-that's bad news at this time of year......

Offline FAT-TOY

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #1480 on: December 08, 2011, 11:41:18 am »
I pointed to two old drunks sitting across the bar from us and told my friend,
 
 "That's us in 10 years.  "He said, "That's a mirror, dip-shit"!
Everyday I find one more name to add to the list of people who piss me off.

Offline matcho mick

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #1481 on: December 08, 2011, 10:31:41 pm »
-
work,the curse of the racing class!!
if a hammer dosn't fix it,you have a electrical problem!!

Offline EML

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #1482 on: December 09, 2011, 08:49:17 am »
lost for words Mick??

Curly3

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #1483 on: December 09, 2011, 09:20:28 am »
Yeah Mick, you're a man of few words but that's ridiculess. ;D

Offline shorelinemc

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #1484 on: December 09, 2011, 01:48:29 pm »
a man on his harley was riding along the californian beach front ,when in a booming voice god spoke thus-because thu out your life you have been faithfull to me in all ways i shall grant you one wish.the biker replies build a bridge to hawai so i can rideover whenever i want.god replied you wish is materialistic.think of the enormous challenge sinking piers to the bottom of the ocean,all of the steel and concrete.i can do it but is hard to justify your desire for wordly things..the biker then thinks for a while.ok a gift for all mankind then.god thinks ah thats better.the bloke says i wish thai and all other men could understand women,i want to know how she feels ,whats she thinking,why the silent ques,hy when they say yes,the really mean not on your life are going riding,why they whinge and complain for no reason,and finally how do i make a woman really happy?.god replied  two or four lanes?