Author Topic: Funnies/Jokes  (Read 662596 times)

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mx250

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #1455 on: November 11, 2011, 07:44:44 pm »
Did you hear about the three Germans in an English pub?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f309fSTWYo4

Offline Toolboy

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #1456 on: November 11, 2011, 08:22:08 pm »
A bloke's wife goes missing while holidaying on the West Australian
coast. He spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to
her. Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a
couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable. The Sarge
says, "Mate, we have some news for you. Unfortunately some Really bad
news, but, some good news and maybe some really good news". "Well," says
the bloke, "You'd better let me have it both barrels, what's the bad
news?" The Sarge says, "I'm really sorry pal, but your wife is dead.
Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft
in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was
dead." The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has
a bit of a turn. After a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks
what the good news is. The Sarge says, "Well when we got your wife up
there were quite a few really good sized crays and a swag of nice crabs
attached to her wetsuit, so we've brought you your share." And he hands
the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five crabs
in it. "Geez thanks. They're bloody beaut... I guess it's an ill wind
and all that. Now, what's the really good news?" "Well", the Sarge says,
"me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 O'clock and we're
gonna shoot over there and pull her up again!... you fancy comin' with
us?"
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TooFastTim

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #1457 on: November 22, 2011, 09:43:37 pm »
A guy wanks into a bar. Barman says: "sorry we don't serve your typo here".

mx250

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #1458 on: November 23, 2011, 08:36:30 pm »
A man in London walked into the produce section of his local Tesco's supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager,

"Some old bastard wants to buy a half a head of lettuce."

As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man was standing right behind him, so he quickly added,

"and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.

Later, the manager said to the boy,"

I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier, we like people who can think on their feet here, where are you from son?"

"New Zealand, sir," the boy replied.

"Why did you leave New Zealand ?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but prostitutes and rugby players there."

"Is that right?" replied the manager," My wife is from New Zealand !"

"Really?" replied the boy, "Who'd she play for?"

 

Offline Stan S

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #1459 on: November 24, 2011, 08:29:06 pm »
Presidential Visit
 
 
The special aeroplane taking the US president and a group of VIP Australians for a sight seeing tour, suddenly developed engine problems and appeared likely to crash. They soon realized that there were not enough parachutes for all the passengers.
                             
The US president quickly stood up and stated, "I am President Obama, the chosen one. The world needs me, I cannot die at this time." 
 
He took the first parachute and left the aircraft.                                               
    
The PM then announced,  "I am Prime Minister Julia Gillard and as I am the smartest woman in Australian history, Australia's people wouldn't want me to die." 

She grabbed the parachute next to her and jumped out of the aircraft.                                             


Another VIP passenger declared, "I am Bob Brown leader of the Australian Greens. The nation needs my guidance and my boyfriend would miss me." 

He then snatched up the nearest parachute and jumped.                                      


After a number of other VIP's had hurriedly left the plane, there were only two passengers left, ex-PM John Howard and a 10-year-old schoolgirl. 

John Howard said, "I have lived a full life and served my country the best I could. I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."

                                                                    
The little girl said, "That's okay, Mr. Howard. There's a parachute left for you. Australia’s smartest woman took my schoolbag!”

 

If only.

TooFastTim

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #1460 on: November 25, 2011, 08:56:17 am »
On a recent trip to the United States, Julia Gillard, addressed a major gathering of Native American Indians.   She spoke for almost an hour on her plans for a CarbonTrading Tax for  Australia   At the conclusion of her speech, the crowd presented her with a plaque inscribed with her new Indian name - Walking Eagle.   A very chuffed Julia then departed in her motorcade, waving to the crowds..   A news reporter later asked one of the Indians how they came to select the new name given to Julia Gillard   They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of **** that it can no longer fly.

mx250

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #1461 on: November 28, 2011, 09:05:20 am »
I only wish that the odds were this good ;D.

mx250

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #1462 on: November 28, 2011, 05:52:04 pm »
.....for the draftsman or engineers amongst us ;D.
« Last Edit: November 28, 2011, 05:57:42 pm by mx250 »

Offline tony27

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #1463 on: November 28, 2011, 06:15:01 pm »
 ;D :D ;D

mx250

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #1464 on: November 29, 2011, 08:12:31 pm »
A young blonde girl in her  late teens, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to  hire herself out as a "handywoman"and started canvassing a nearby  well-to-do yuppy neighbourhood. She went to the front door of the first  house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to  do.

"Well, I guess I could use  somebody to paint the porch," he said. "How much will you charge  me?"

Delighted, the girl quickly  responded, "How about $250?"

The man agreed and told her  that the pink  paint and brushes and everything she would need were  in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the  conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes  ALL the way around the house?"

"That's a bit cynical, isn't  it?" he responded.

The wife replied, "You're  right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde  jokes."

A few hours later the girl  came to the door to collect her  money.

"You're finished already?"  the startled husband asked.

"Yes," the blonde replied,  "and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two  coats."

Impressed, the man reached  into his pocket for the $250 and handed it to her, along with a $50  tip.

"Thank you," the girl said.  "And by the way, that's not a Porch, it's a  Ferrari"  ;D

mx250

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #1465 on: December 01, 2011, 09:18:29 am »
You might identify with this :D, I know I do :P although I never had anywhere near this prob with my son it pisses me when I see stupidly loose jean over the arse and the colourful boxer short purposely tugged out. Gee with such a desperate need to be different and to be noticed they should engage a psychologist ::).


mx250

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My Neighbour's Family.
« Reply #1466 on: December 01, 2011, 12:34:37 pm »
;D
« Last Edit: December 01, 2011, 12:42:54 pm by mx250 »

Offline VMX247

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #1467 on: December 01, 2011, 12:47:19 pm »
 :D  stick mums got fat too  ;D   ;)  being a stick girl and fat is not politically right- let alone cool   ;)
Best is in the West !!

TooFastTim

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #1468 on: December 01, 2011, 12:51:54 pm »

Offline vmx42

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #1469 on: December 01, 2011, 01:04:30 pm »


Gotta hate those family stickers on the back of 4WDs. Dear God, who cares!!!  :D

I know this woman who has got to be at least 160 kilos, who never smiles and is a complete pain in the butt… and yet the sticker on the back of her car shows her as a young, thin, vital woman, smiling with a laptop. Mustn't have a mirror at home...  ;)
When a woman says "What?", it's not because she didn't hear you, she's giving you the chance to chance to change what you said.

Beam me up Scotty, no intelligent life down here…

"everyone is entitled to their own opinion, but not to their own facts"