Funnies/Jokes

[Montynut]

A young Jackaroo from outback Queensland goes off to university, but halfway through the semester he foolishly has squandered all of his money.

He calls home. 'Dad,' he says, 'you won't believe what modern education is developing. They actually have a program here in Brisbane that will teach our dog Ol' Blue how to talk.'

'That's amazing!' his Dad says. 'How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?'

'Just send him down here with $2,000,' the young jackaroo says, 'I'll get him in the course.'

So .... his father sends the dog and $2,000.

About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.
'So how's Ol' Blue doing, son?' his father wants to know..
'Awesome! Dad, he's talking up a storm... but you just won't believe this. They've had such good results with talking, they've begun to teach the animals how to read.'

'Read?' exclaims his father. 'No kidding! How do we get Ol' Blue in that program?'

'Just send $4,500. I'll get him in the class.'

The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk nor read.

So he shoots the dog. When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.

'Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to talk with him, and see him read something!'

'Dad,' the boy says, 'I have some grim news.

Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal. Then he suddenly turned to me and asked,

'So, is your daddy still bonking that little redhead barmaid at the pub?''

The father groans and whispers, 'I hope you shot that bastard before he talks to your Mother!'

'I sure did, Dad!'

'That's my boy!'

The kid went on to be a successful lawyer or Union Delegate as the case may be.

[TM BILL]

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Have your parents tell you a story with a moral at the end.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

"Johnny, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Carol. She was a pilot
In Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy
Territory and all she had was a small flask of whiskey, a pistol and a
Survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't
Break and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy
Troops.

She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets,
Killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she
Killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

"Good Heavens" said the horrified teacher. "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from this horrible story?"

"Stay the fork away from Aunt Carol when she's drinking."
 



 

[shorelinemc]

little mustafa starts school in australia and decides he wants to be like other kids so he australianises his name -my name is now Bruce .when he went home he declared he was now to be known as bruce.his mother went wild and beat hiimthen his father came homeand said your are mustafa the arab ,boy says no i am now bruce so the father then beat him.next dat at school his mate asked him how he got beaten up.bugger me australian for 8hrs and 2 f$#king arabs bashed me

[TM BILL]

(they walk among us)

STUDENT WHO OBTAINED 0% ON AN EXAM...AND HOW HE DID IT
Personally, I would have given him 100%
Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die?
* his last battle
Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
* at the bottom of the page
Q3. River Ravi flows in which state?
* liquid
Q4. What is the main reason for divorce?
* marriage
Q5. What is the main reason for failure?
* exams
Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast?
* Lunch & dinner
Q7. What looks like half an apple?
* The other half
Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?
* It will simply become wet
Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping ?
* No problem, he sleeps at night.
Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
* You will never find an elephant that has only one hand..
Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and

four apples and three oranges in t'other, what would you have?
* Very large hands
Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?
* No time at all, the wall is already built.
Q13. How can u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
*Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.

 

[TM BILL]

 

 

 

 

   
       
     The  Marriage:   
                                         
       
      A  man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to marry her  right away.. 
               
She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.' 
 
He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each  other as we go along.' 
               
So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a  honeymoon at a very nice resort. 
               
One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of  his towel, climbed up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a half  tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which  point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife. 
               
After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on  the towel.
     
      She  said, 'That was incredible!' 
               
He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I  told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along.' 
               
So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing lengths. 
               
After seventy-five lengths she climbed out of the pool, lay down  on her towel and was hardly out of breath. 
               
He said, 'That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance  swimmer?' 
               
'No,' she said, 'I was a prostitute in Liverpool but I worked  both sides of the Mersey !
       

 

[TM BILL]

Ethical Dilemma


The doctor had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal of his patient were overwhelming. ...

But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: "Don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to have sex with one of his patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go."

But, invariably, another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering: "You're a veterinarian, you sick bastard

 

[TM BILL]

A  London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow   copper.

He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop.

He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the  Glasgow cops expense!!

Glasgow cop says,         " Licence and registration, please."

London Lawyer says,     "What for?"

Glasgow cop says,        "Ye  didnae  come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

London Lawyer says,    "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Glasgow cop says,        "Ye  still didnae  come to a complete stop. Licence and   registration, please"   

London Lawyer says,   "What's the difference?"

Glasgow cop says,       "The difference is, ye  huvte come to complete stop, that's  the law,  Licence and registration, please!"

London Lawyer says,   "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

Glasgow cop says,       "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle. 

The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the living sh*t out of the lawyer and says, "Dae  ye  want me to stop, or just slow doon?"

[TM BILL]

On Bud's Gun Shop Forums the question came up: What is the smallest

Caliber you trust to protect yourself?

 

My personal favorite defense gun has always been a Beretta Jetfire in 22

Short. Over all the years I've been hiking I never leave without it in

My pocket. Of course we all know too the first rule when hiking in the

Wilderness is to use the "Buddy System". For those of you who may be

Unfamiliar with this it means you NEVER hike alone, you bring a friend

Or companion, even an in-law, that way if something happens there is

Someone to go get help.

 

I remember one time hiking with my brother-in-law in northern Alberta ..

Out of nowhere came this huge brown bear and man was she mad. We must

Have been near one of her cubs.

 

Anyway, if I had not had my little Jetfire I'd sure not be here today.

Just one shot to my brother-in-law's knee cap and I was able to escape

By just walking at a brisk pace.

 

That's one of the best pistols in my arsenal!

 

 

 

 

 

 

[TM BILL]

The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk.

The town folk found they could buy a cow in Scotland quite cheaply. They brought the cow from Scotland.  It was wonderful, produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.

They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again.

They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away.

No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he was never able to do the deed.

The people were very upset and decided to go to the Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice.

"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts from the one side, she walks away to the other side."

The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking,

"Did you by chance, buy this cow in Scotland?"

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Scotland.

"You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow from Scotland?

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye: 
"My wife is from Scotland"

 

[TM BILL]

IRISHMAN IN THE ELEVATOR
                            Skinny little white Irishman goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this
                            HUGE black guy standing next to him.

                            The big guy sees the little Irishman staring at him, he looks down and says:
                            '7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pounds of testicles, Turner Brown.'
                            The little white Irishman faints and falls to the floor.
                            The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him.. The big guy says,

                            'What's wrong with you, little fellow?'
                            In a weak voice the little guy says, 'What EXACTLY did you say to me?'
                            The big dude says, 'I saw your curious look and I figured I'd just give you
                            the answers to the questions everyone always asks me................... I'm 7
                            feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3
                            pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown.'
                            The little white Irishman says:
                            'Turner Brown'?!....Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, "Turn around"!

[TM BILL]

 

 

Cowboy: GIVE ME 3 PACKETS OF CONDOMS PLEASE.


CASHIER: DO YOU NEED A PAPER BAG WITH THAT SIR?

Cowboy: NAH... SHE AIN'T THAT UGLY!!
 
 
 

 

 
 
 
 
 

 

 

 

[TM BILL]

How tough are Australians?

The scene is set - a dark night, cold wind blowing, campfire flickering, stars twinkling in the dark sky.

 

Three hang-glider pilots are sitting by the campfire, one from Australia, one from Seth Efrika and one from New Zulland.

 

Each embroiled in the bravado for which they are famous.

 

The night of tales begins...

Kiven the Kiwi says, 'I must be the meanest, toughest, heng glider there es. Why, jist the other day I linded in a field and scared a crocodeale, who came out of the swamp and ate sux min who were standen close by. I grebbed the crocodeale and wristled him to du ground and killed em with my beer hends'

 

Hansie from Seth Efrika (who typically can't stand to be bettered) said, 'Well you guys, I lended orfter a 200 mile flight in my heng glider on a tiny trail, and a Namibian snike slid out from under a rock and made a move on me. I grebbed de borsted with me bare hinds and beet it's head off ind then sucked the poison from it's body down in one gulp. End I'm still here today'

 

Colin, the Aussie remained silent, slowly poking the fire with his penis.



 

[TM BILL]

Investing in NZ 

Just imagine....If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Air New Zealand one year ago, you would have $49.00 today.

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in the AA one year ago, you would have $33.00 today. 
If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in  Canterbury Finance  one year ago,you would have $0.00 today.

But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminium cans for recycling refund, you would have received $214.00..

Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle.  It is called the Kiwi Saver-Keg.

A recent study found that the average Kiwi walks about 900 miles a year.. Another study found that Kiwi’s drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year
That means that, on average, Kiwi’s get about 41 miles to the gallon!

Makes you damned proud to be a Kiwi!!
 
                                       

[vandy010]

                  Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office,

                  But she belonged to someone else...
                  One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to
                  Her and said, 'I'll give you a $100 if you let me have sex with you.
                  But the girl said NO.
                  Johnny said, 'I'll be fast.
                  I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the
                  Time you pick it up. '
                  She thought for a moment and said that she would have
                  to consult her boyfriend...
                  So she called her boyfriend and told him the story.
                  Her boyfriend says, 'Ask him for $200, pick up the
                  Money very fast, he won't even be able to get his Pants down,
                 So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour
                 Goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his Girlfriend to call,
                 Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and

                  Asks what happened.

                 She responded, 'The bastard used coins!'

 

 

 

 

                  Management lesson:

                  Always consider a business proposal in its entirety

before agreeing to it and getting screwed!

[vandy010]

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show
in a small town.


With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde
jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts
shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you

think you can stereotype women that way? What does the colour of a person's

hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's men like you who

keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community,

and from reaching our full potential as people. You and your kind continue

to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in

general...pathetically all in the name of humor!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells,

"You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little shit on your lap!"