Funnies/Jokes

[FAT-TOY]

Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they know they are in love.
One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.

Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Bruce, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies, "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit in there nicely."

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay, then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."

Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowance, Jenny makes
five bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, so that should do us just fine."

Mr. Smith is impressed.  Bruce has put so much thought into this.

"Well Bruce, it seems like you have everything figured out. I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?"

Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far."

Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little shit is adorable.

[Mike52]

http://imgur.com/6icZ3

[paco]

 
 


 

A Male Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, "Will you marry me?" The Princess said, "No!!!" And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and dated skinny long-legged full-breasted women and hunted and fished and raced cars and went to naked bars and dated ladies half his age and drank whiskey, beer and Captain Morgan and never heard bitching and never paid child support or alimony and banged cheerleaders and kept his house and guns and ate spam and potato chips and beans and blew enormous farts and never got cheated on while he was at work and all his friends and family thought he was cool as hell and he had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up.

The End

 
Ah;and then I woke up.

[lukeb1961]

An Aussie guy went out duck hunting in the fall and a gust of wind blew, his gun fell over and discharged shooting him in his private parts.

FAIL

[TM BILL]

Wheres Montys jokes gone 

[EML]

Yeah-it was a beauty.......

[matcho mick]

http://i48.photobucket.com/albums/f249/mortophoto/motorcyclediary.jpg

[Curly3]

Aint that just the truth Mick.
I don't know if I'd hang around my bikes for too long if she was sitting on my lounge.
I must be a SNAG.

[Montynut]

An Aussie guy went out duck hunting and a gust of wind blew, his gun fell over and discharged shooting him in his private parts.

Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his Doctor, "Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage and we were able to remove all of the buckshot."

"What's the bad news?" asked the Hunter.

"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your penis which left quite a few holes in it. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister."

"Well I guess that isn't too bad," the Hunter replied. "Is your sister a Plastic Surgeon?"

"Not exactly" answered the Doctor. "She's a flute player in the Melbourne Symphony Orchestra.  She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't pee in your eye.”








Patrick walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the corner of the room, drinking a sip out of each  pint in turn. 

When he had finished all three, he went back to the bar and ordered three more.

The Barman says, "You know a pint goes flat soon after I pull it  .......... Your pint would taste better if you bought one at a time."

Patrick replies, “Well now, I have two brodders, one is in America; and de odder in Australia; and here I am in Dublin.  When we all left home, we promised dat we'd drink dis way to remember de days we all drank togedder."

The Barman admits that this is a nice custom and says no more. Patrick becomes a regular customer and always drinks the same way ........ Ordering three pints and drinking a sip out of each in turn, until they are finished.   

One day, he comes in and orders just two pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice! and fall silent.

When he goes back to the bar for the second round, the barman says, "I don’t want to intrude on your grief but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss." 

Patrick looks confused for a moment, then the penny drops & he starts to laugh,

"Oh no," he says, ”Bejesus, everyone is fine Tis me, .............. I've Quit Drinking!”

[EML]

No.8s was better Macho , do you remeber it?

[Shaun G]

COWBOY WHISPERER

Cowboy:  "That your dog?"

Indian:  "Yep."

Cowboy:  "Mind if I speak to him?"

Indian:  "Dog no talk."

Cowboy:  "Hey dog, how's it going?"

Dog:  "Doin' all right."

Indian: (Look of shock!)

Cowboy:  "Is this Indian your owner?" (Pointing at the Indian...)

Dog:  "Yep."

Cowboy:  "How's he treating you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and  takes
        me to the lake once a week to play."

Indian: (Look of total disbelief)

Cowboy:  "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Indian:  "Horse no talk."

Cowboy:  "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool."

Indian: (Extreme look of shock!)

Cowboy:  "Is this your owner?" (Pointing to the Indian...)

Horse:  "Yep."

Cowboy:  "How's he treating you?"

Horse:  "Pretty good, thanks for asking, he rides me, brushes me down
           often and keeps me in a lean-to to protect me from the weather."

Indian: (Look of total amazement)

Cowboy:  "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

Indian:  "Sheep lie."

[Stan S]

Lubricant

Murphy's' old lady had been pregnant for some time and now the time had come.
 
He brought her to the doctor and the doctor began to deliver the baby.
 
She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Murphy and said.
'Hey, Murph! You just had you a son,!

'Ain't dat grand,!!' Murphy got excited by this, but just then the
doctor spoke up and said, 'Hold on! We ain't finished yet,!'
 
The doctor then delivered a little girl.
 
He said, 'Hey, Murph! You got you a daughter, !!!! She is a pretty
lil ting, too....'
 
Murphy got kind of puzzled by this and then the doctor said, 'Hold on,
we aint got done yet,!'

The doctor then delivered another boy and said, Murph, you just had
yourself another boy,!'
 
Murphy said to the doctor, 'Doc, what caused all of dem babies,?'
 
The doctor said, 'You never know Murph, it was probably something that
happened during conception.'
 
Murphy said, 'Ah yeah, during conception.'

When Murph and his wife went home with their three children, he sat
down with his wife and said,
 
'Mama, you remember dat night that we ran out of Vaseline and we had to
use dat dere 3-in-1 Oil.'

She said, 'Yeah, I remember dat night...'

Murph said, 'I'll tell you, it's a f?? kin' good ting we didn't use WD-40.
                        

 

[TM BILL]

Paddys pacing nervously up and down the hospital corridor while his wife is in the delivery room giving birth 

The Doctor comes out of the room and says "Paddy your the proud parent of 6 healthy baby boys  "

Bejezzus says paddy , Six you say six jezzus    Paddy pats his crotch and says to the doctor " thats why i call it me chimney stack doc "

The doctor looks paddy in the eye and says " Well you might want to get it swept paddy cos their all black " 

[yamaico]

 In 1923, Who Was:

1. President of the largest steel company?
2.. President of the largest gas company?
3. President of the New York stock Exchange?
4. Greatest wheat speculator?
5. President of the Bank of International Settlement?
6. Great Bear of Wall Street?



These men were considered some of the worlds most successful of their days..

Now, 88 years later, the history book asks us, if we know what ultimately became of them..




The Answers:


1. The president of the largest steel company.
Charles Schwab,

died a pauper.

2. The president of the largest gas company,
Edward Hopson,

went insane.

3.. The president of the NYSE,
Richard Whitney,

was released from prison
to die at home.

4. The greatest wheat speculator,
Arthur Cooger,

died abroad, penniless.

5. The president of
the Bank of International Settlement,

shot himself.

6 The Great Bear of Wall Street,
Cosabee Livermore,

also committed suicide



However,
In that same year, 1923, 
the winner of the worlds most important road race,
the Isle of Man T.T.,
was

Stanley Woods.

What became of him?


He won 10 T.T. races between 1923 and 1939,
He lived on the Isle of Man and rode motorcycles all his life. He lapped the island circuit at 82 mph in 1957 (The Golden Jubilee) aged 54
He was a wealthy man when he died aged 90.

The Moral:


Stuff work. Ride motorbikes.

 

 
 
 

[bigk]

The local hairdresser broke her leg. She can only cut hair on crutches now.
K