Funnies/Jokes

[Shaun G]

How fishing should be

http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=x3Bf0WhvsNk&vq=medium

[TooFastTim]

[lukeb1961]

Now THAT was awesome!

[vmx42]

Good one Tim!!

[mx250]

[TooFastTim]

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replies, "That would be my wife."

[pancho]

 It wasn't me!

[Curly3]

A man & woman are having pasionate sex on the back seat of the car when a policeman knocks on window.
The woman winds down the window and gives the cop a massive gobful of abuse, calling him everything under the sun and the copper arrests the bloke.




For having an offensive person on his weapon.

[Toolboy]

Dear Employees:

As the CEO of this organization, I have resigned myself to the fact that Julia Gillard is our Prime Minister and that

Our taxes, government fees and living costs will increase in a BIG way because of their spending spree and the Super Profits and Carbon taxes.


To compensate for these increases, our prices would have to increase by about 10%. But since we cannot increase our prices right now

due to the dismal state of the retail economy, we will have to lay off sixty of our employees instead. This has really been bothering me

since I believe we are family here and I didn't know how to choose who would have to go.

So, this is what I did.

I walked through our parking lots and found sixty GILLARD, LABOR and GREENS bumper stickers on our

employees' cars and have decided these folks will be the ones to let go. I can't think of a more fair way to approach this problem.

They voted for change.....I gave it to them.

I will see the rest of you at the annual company picnic.

[Toolboy]

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:
Men Are Just Happier People --
What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack...
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you,
He or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough..
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes..
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, even decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives
On December 24 in 25 minutes

[crankpin]

 

[FAT-TOY]

After a long night of making love, the guy
notices a photo of another man, on the woman's
nightstand by the bed. He begins to worry.

'Is this your husband?' he nervously asks.

'No, silly,' she replies, snuggling up to him.

'Your boyfriend, then?' he continues.

'No, not at all,' she says, nibbling away at his
ear.
'Is it your dad or your brother?' he inquires,
hoping to be reassured.

'No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!'
she answers.

'Well, who in the hell is he, then?' he demands.
She whispers in his ear

'That's me before the surgery.' ...

[FAT-TOY]

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie. 'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.' So he tied her up and went golfing.

[FAT-TOY]

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'
The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?' 'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'

[FAT-TOY]

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test The optician showed him a card with the letters



'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' 'Can you read this?' the optician asked. 'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'