Funnies/Jokes

[TooFastTim]

[asasin]

Last week, she checked into the caravan park in  Bundaberg Queensland in a cabin and was a bit  lonely. She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see  advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual  massages." She looked through the phone book, found a full  page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony - a very handsome  man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a sixpence off his well oiled  bum.... You get the picture. She figured, what the  heck, I'll give him a call.

 

"Good evening, ma'am, how may I  help you?" ..  . . Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy! Afraid  she would lose her nerve if she hesitated and she rushed right in, "Hi, I hear you give a great massage, I'd like you to come to  my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with  you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I  want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring  implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips , everything you've got in  your bag of  tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night -  tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything  and everything, baby. Now how does that  sound?"

 

 

He said, "That sounds absolutely  fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside  line."
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

 

 

[Lozza]

BLOKE TROLLS DATING SITE

[bigk]

That is gold. 
K

[EML]

At the exspence of offending someone....that's the best I've seen in a long while too...

[mx250]

Multi tasking

[asasin]

At a wine merchant the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.
A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came to apply for the position.
 
The director of the factory wondered how to send him away.
They gave him a glass to drink.
He tried it and said, "It's a Muscat , three Years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers". Low grade but acceptable.
"That's correct", said the boss.
 Another glass....
"It's a cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for finest results.."
"Correct."
 A third glass...
''It's a pinot blanc champagne, high grade and exclusive'' calmly said the drunk.
The director was astonished.
He winked at his secretary to suggest something.
She left the room, and came back in with a glass of urine.
The alcoholic tried it.
"It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant and if you don't give me the job, I'll name the father."

[Nathan S]

BLOKE TROLLS DATING SITE

Ah, that explains a lot about you, Lozza: "Drum and Bass Arena".

[Lozza]

Gotta mooove with the times, need some glow sticks?

[asasin]

A husband and wife are  shopping in their local Wal-Mart. 
The husband picks up a case of  Budweiser
and puts it in their  cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale,  only $10 for 24 cans he replies.

'Put them back, we can't afford them demands the wife, 
and so they carry on  shopping.
A few aisles further on along
the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and
puts it in the basket.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the  husband.
'It's my face cream.
It  makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.

Her husband retorts:
'So  does 24 cans of Budweiser and
it's half  the price.'

[FAT-TOY]

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive, double-pane, energy efficient
kind. Today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He complained that the
work had been completed a year ago and he still hadn't been paid for them.
Hellloooo,............just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him
just what his fast-talking sales guy told me last year... that these windows would pay for themselves
in a year,,, Helllooooo? It's been a year, so they're paid for, I told him.. There was only silence at the
other end of the line, so I finally hung up. He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot...

[FAT-TOY]

The Irish Millionaire


 

The Irish Millionaire

Mick, from Dublin , appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire'
and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 euros.

"You've done very well so far," said Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter,
"but for a million euros you've only got one life-line left, phone a friend.
Everything is riding on this question. Will you go for it?"

"Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!"

"Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?

a) Sparrow

 



b) Thrush,

 



c) Magpie,

 



d) Cuckoo?"

 


"I haven't got a clue." said Mick,


''So I'll use my last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin ..."

 


Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and
repeated the question to him.


"Fookin hell, Mick!" cried Paddy.
"Dat's simple it's a cuckoo."
"Are you sure?"

"I'm fookin sure."

Mick hung up the phone and told Chris,
"I'll go with cuckoo as my answer."

"Is that your final answer?" asked Chris.

"Dat it is."

There was a long, long pause and then the presenter screamed,
"Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million euros!"


The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.

"Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?"


“Because he lives in a Fookin clock!"
 

[pancho]

 I've had 2 glasses of wine so cop these dad jokes, they're old
 The looney looks over the fence and sees some dude shoveling horse sh--  [poo]into a wheel barrow and so says why are you doing that?
 Wheel barrow man says'I'm taking it home to put on my strawberries.
 Loonie man says 'You should come in here , we get cream on ours.


#2
 Loonies mate at midnight says 'We're gettin out of here, I've got a torch'
  'I'll stand on top of the wall and shine it down to the ground, and you can slide down the beam,
 Loonie #1 says "Oh yeah, I Know you, you'll wait till I'm half way down and then turn turn the torch OFF!
 

#Sorry can't remember # 3
 cheers pancho.
 

[asasin]

A man was sitting in the bar at Mascot Terminal (Sydney
> > Airport) and noticed a really beautiful woman sitting next to him. He
> > thought to himself, "Wow, she's so gorgeous - she must be an air hostess.
> > I
> > wonder which airline she
> > works for. "
> >
> > "I still call Australia home," he says to her.
> >
> > She pulled away from him and gave an ice-cold glare. "Obviously not
> > with Qantas," he thought.
> >
> > Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and uttered the Delta
> > Airline slogan, "Love to fly and it shows.."
> >
> > She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to
> > himself, "Well, she obviously doesn't work for Delta."
> >
> > A moment later, another slogan popped into his head, so he leaned
> > towards her again and said, "Something special in the air."
> >
> > She gave him the same confused look, and he mentally kicked himself,
> > while scratching Singapore Airlines off the list.
> >
> > He thought, "Perhaps she works for Thai Airways..." and said, "Smooth
> > as silk."
> >
> > The woman turned on him and said, "What the f*ck do you want?"
> >
> > The man smiled, slumped back in his chair, and said, "Ahhhhh, Jetstar !!"

[asasin]

IRISHMAN IN THE ELEVATOR
 
Skinny little white Irishman goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.   

The big guy sees the little Irishman staring at him, he looks down and says: "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pounds of testicles, Turner Brown."

The little white Irishman faints and falls to the floor.

The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him.  The big guy says, "What's wrong with you?"

In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?"

The big dude says, "I saw your curious look and I figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me....... I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown."

The little white Irishman says:

"Turner Brown?!... Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, 'Turn around'!"