Funnies/Jokes

[shorelinemc]

a black broncos fan is in a bar and fairly pissed,she turns to the bloke sitting next to her and says if you can name the broncos players who are. tattood on the inside of my thighs you can have your way with me. the bloke said yep i have a go.she then spreads here legs ,the fella says i dont know who those 2 are but the one in the middle with the big lips is sam thaiday

[Curly3]

Robin, that's politically incorrect, you can't  ;Dsay that sort of thing about a Bronco's fan.

[GD66]

Kate Middleton pulled the Queen aside and asked her, "What's the secret to a long and happy marriage ?"

The Queen replied, "Wear a seat belt, and don't piss me off !"

[mx250]

Teacher:

    Little Johnny, can you tell me the name of 3 great kings who have

    brought happiness and peace into people's lives?
   

Little Johnny answered:

    Drin-king,  smo-king,  and bon-king.

[FAT-TOY]

 
 
 
 
 
I THINK YOU ARE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS
 
 
 


A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says"Hello!"
He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.
So he says, 'Do you know me?'
To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my arse with wet celery?'
 

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."

[matcho mick]

 


 

SARCASM AT ITS BEST

A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor.
The doctor says "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?"
The mother says, "It's my daughter, Debbie. She keeps getting these
cravings. She's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings.
"The doctor gives Debbie a good examination, then turns to the mother
and says, -
"Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your daughter is
pregnant - about 4 months, would be my guess."
The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be. She has never ever been
with a man! Have you Debbie?"
Debbie says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man, I'm still a Virgin!"
The doctor walked over to the window and just stood there staring out of it.
About 5 minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something
wrong out there doctor?"
The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time
anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and some wise
men came over the hill. And there's no way I'm going to miss it this
time!!!!"





 

 

 

 

 

[matcho mick]

 
 

 
 

 

God said, "Adam, I want you to do something for Me."

Adam said, "Gladly,
Lord, what do You want me to do?"


God said, "Go down into that valley."


Adam said, "What's a valley?"

God explained it to him. Then God said, "Cross the river."

Adam said, "What's a river?"

God explained that to him, and then said, "Go over to the hill...."

Adam said, "What is a hill?"

So, God explained to Adam what a hill was. He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave."

Adam said, 'What's a cave?'

After God explained, He said, "In the cave you will find a woman."

Adam said, "What's a woman?'

So God explained that to him, too.
Then, God said, 'I want you to
reproduce."

Adam said, "How do I do that?"

God first said (under His breath), "Geez....."

And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.

So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman.

Then, in about five minutes, he was back.

God, His patience wearing thin, said angrily, "What is it now?"

And Adam said....


*

*
"What's a headache?"

 





 

 



 

 

 

 




 
 
 
 
 

 




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[shorelinemc]

every one remember bill and ben thr flower pot men?
bill said to ben blub blub bleb bleb and ben said if you loved me you would swallow that

[pancho]

 Walking up the road one night in the dark and saw this drunk dude staggering around under the street light.I asked 'you right mate" he says "I lost my wallet and I can't find it," I sez "you sure you dropped it here mate" the answer came "no it was about a hundred yards up that way, but there's more light here."

[mx250]

.........facetiously intended for Julia Gillard and Bob forking Bob Brown  .

Louis CK - Single People

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x81M3g3zjXc&feature=related

[Montynut]

How to get  to Heaven from Scotland ...


I was testing children in  my  Glasgow Sunday
School class to see  if they understood the
Concept of getting  into heaven.

I asked them,  "If I sold my house and  my
Car, had a big jumble sale and gave all  my
Money to the church, would that get me 
Into heaven?"

"NO!" the  children answered.

"If I cleaned the church  every day, mowed
The garden and kept  everything tidy, would
That get me into  heaven?"

Again, the  answer was 'No!'   

By now I was starting to  smile.

"Well, then,  if I was kind to animals and
Gave sweeties  to all the children, and
Loved my husband,  would that get me
Into  heaven?"

Again, they all  answered 'No!' 

I was just bursting with pride for  them.

I continued, "Then how can I get into  heaven?"
                               
A six year old boy  shouted,     
 
"Yuv got tae be fookin' dead"

Kinda brings a wee tear tae your  eye...   

 

                   
       


 
   

 

[crankpin]

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?"

The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million pounds. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million pounds, and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million pounds. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."

So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million pounds?"

The mother replied, "Of course, I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great university!"

The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million pounds?"

The girl replied, "Oh, good heavens! I LOVE Brad Pitt and I would sleep with him in a heartbeat. Are you nuts?"

The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million pounds?"

"Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million quid would buy?"

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.

His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?"

The boy replied, "Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on three million pounds, but 'realistically', we're living with two hookers and a future member of parliament

[Davy123]

My  uncle passed away peacefully in his sleep the other night







unlike the passengers in his car who all died screaming

[mx250]

[mx250]

And voted number one by VMX racers everywhere........