Funnies/Jokes

[cheapracer]

A young bloke I worked with once said to me about the previous subject-
 Quote: When I was 20 I was not interested in looking at any female over 19.
           At thirty five any under 35 was worth a look.
           Now that I'm 60 the field is excellent!
  cheers pancho.

I'm 50 now and recently scored a 25 year old, half my age! - why that hasn't happened since I was 20.

[Curly3]

Does your wife know about that?

[matcho mick]

The other day I was  in an empty pub having a quiet beer by myself.

The door opened and  in walked the most stunning woman I've ever laid eyes on. 5'11''  tall, stunning blue eyes, silky blonde hair, an hourglass figure  barely covered by a tiny mini skirt and a flimsy cotton top.. I  could see she was not wearing a bra and her incredibly firm breasts  were on show.

After watching her walk in I turned back to my  beer. No sooner had I taken a sip when I turn to see her pulling  a nother bar stool up close to me and sitting down.

She said  'Hi', and I said 'Hi' in return. She asked how I was and took my  hand and placed it on her perfect inner thigh, rubbing it up and  down.

'So, does that make you feel good ?' she asked.. . 

'I'll bet you feel good,' she continued. 'In fact, I'll bet  you've never felt this good before.'

'Well, I have,' I  corrected her. 'You see, when I was 16, I was picked to play for the  school 1st. XV in the School Finals in front of a crowd of about  15000 and I felt really  good.'

I immediately felt a bit  pathetic saying that and I thought she would get up and go but she  took my hand off her thigh and put it up the front of her top. Her  nipple pushed into my palm as she massaged my hand into her pert,  perfect breast.

'How do you feel now,' she purred. 

'OK' I replied.

Again, she said, 'I'll bet you do.  In fact, I'll bet you've never felt THIS good before!' 

Unbelievably I heard myself saying 'Well, actually I have.  In that game, we were down by six points with about 20 seconds left  in the match. The Opposition kicked the ball deep into our half of  the field, where I caught it... I ran up field, side-stepping past  the first few defenders, handed off a couple of would-be tacklers,  burst through a few forwards, chipped over their fullback,  re-gathered and scored a Try right under the posts with about 2 or 3  seconds 'till full time. We were still behind by one point, but I  had a simple kick at goal with which to win the match and..........  '

"Ahhh...." she growled between clenched teeth, more than a  bit miffed, pulled my hand from under her top and thrust it down the  front of her skirt. My fingers immediately met what felt like a w isp  of soft cotton , and she was wet !!!!

She snapped, 'Well  tell me this, Smart Arse : Have you ever felt such a perfect c**t?' 

'I certainly have' I answered . . . . ... 'I missed the  kick.'   

[cheapracer]

Hey Guys, I got a joke about being schizophrenic ...

[cheapracer]

Hey Guys, I got a joke about being schizophrenic ...

Well? We're waiting ...

[Nathan S]

That's great.


Now... Got any that are funny?

[Curly3]

Did you here the one about the prostitute in a pepper colony.
Business was dropping off.
Boom Boom.
I meant L L Lepper.

[Canam370]

Did you here the one about the prostitute in a pepper colony.
Business was dropping off.
Boom Boom.

That joke is nothing to sneeze at!   Was it perhaps meant to read  'leper' rather than 'pepper'?

[paco]

  An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

 

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, 'Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!' 

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hairand impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of a Ferrari and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: 'Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem.       

I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.

Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach-front villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account.

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account.

If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.

However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?'

At this point, the father, who had remained silent holding a shotgun, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder, looks him directly in the eyes and tells  him"You a gonna  try again."
 
 

 

 

[shorelinemc]

why did the leper leave the party? because he was sick of people dipping jatz in his back

[shorelinemc]

what do you call a leper in a hot bathy? soup

[bazza]

Viagra are changing to maroon tablets as blue ones have been soft for 5yrs and need to harden up.

[mx250]

Viagra are changing to maroon tablets as blue ones have been soft for 5yrs and need to harden up.

[mx250]

The latest toy has hit the shops-- a talking Muslim doll.

Nobody knows what the hell it says, because no one has the balls to pull the cord.   

[mx250]

(An Oldie but a Goldie - time for a rerun .)


HARLEY DAVIDSON FACES STIFF COMPETITION FROM JOHNSON MARINE

HARLEY DAVIDSON FACES STIFF COMPETITION FROM JOHNSON MARINE WHO INTRODUCES A NEW LINE OF MOTORCYCLES

At a press conference late Monday, the CEO of Johnson Marine, makers of Johnson outboard marine engines and other recreational equipment, unveiled a new line of heavyweight cruiser style motorcycles designed to compete head to head with industry leader Harley-Davidson.

Peter Long, Johnson brands marketing manager said, "We have studied the market and determined that Harley, while highly successful, has narrowly missed the mark falling short in their OEM equipment when targeting motorcycle buyers." Long added, "We at Johnson are convinced that our product hits the target dead center and promises to draw sales away from Harley-Davidson in a way no other motorcycle has been able to accomplish".

The new line of bikes, marketed under the name Big Johnson Motorcycles, will, according to Long, deliver what Harley has only promised. "Our research show that this, a Big Johnson, is what Harley buyers are really after, what they really need".

At the unveiling of the new line Monday, several current Harley owners agreed. "When I bought my Harley, what I really needed was a Big Johnson," said one Harley owner." But I see now that riding a Harley is no replacement for having a Big Johnson."

Manager Long also said that his company would follow the lead of Harley-Davidson and cash in on a huge market for non-motorcycle related products. "We realize that not every guy can have a Big Johnson," said Long, "But image is very important to people. If they don't have a Big Johnson, they at least want to project the image of having one."

Asked if he anticipated Big Johnsons showing up in the hands of Harley owners, Long said it was unlikely. "I just don't see the need to have a Harley if you have a Big Johnson," he said. "And I can't imagine someone who spends all their resources to acquire a Harley having a Big Johnson. I think it boils down to this - You either have a Harley, or you have a Big Johnson, but you are not likely to have both." "Given the choice," said Long, "I think most guys will opt for the Big Johnson."

Another force driving sales for the company will come from women. A survey of the wives and girlfriends of nearly 1,000 potential motorcycle buyers indicates less than 5% would approve of their partner spending $15,000 on a Harley Davidson. As one wife put it, "it's disappointing after the build up and expectation, it is just not a quality ride". But, when asked if they would be willing to pay the same amount of money to get their partner a Big Johnson, nearly 5 out 5 thought that would be money well spent. As one wife enthusiastically said, "I would use my own savings to get my husband a Big Johnson".

One female present at the product unveiling was quoted as saying, "There is no way I will let Bruce drop 15 grand on another one of those Harleys, but 15 grand to get him a Big Johnson? Well, that's something we could both enjoy, and it's something he really needs."

Carla Roundheel, manager of the dealership network now being established, said her motto is simple. "I service what we sell."