Funnies/Jokes

[KTMaico]

What is the difference between a woman in church and a woman in the bath tub?

One has a soul full of hope and the other....

[mx250]

I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl.     
         
I kept thinking to myself, please don't get an erection, please don't get  an erection... .......but she did.     

[mx250]

.....recently seen on it's way to CD8..........I wonder who............

Obviously a Husky rider

[RED ALERT]

Fanny Green
An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church.
'Father' he confessed 'it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Fanny Green twice last month.'

The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.
'Soon thereafter another Irish man entered the confessional. 'Father it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Fanny Green twice a week for the past two months.'
This time the priest questioned 'Who is this Fanny Green?'
'A new woman in the neighborhood' the sinner replied..
'Very well' sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Mary's.
At mass the next morning as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary.
The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.

The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart but just enough to realize she wasn't wearing any underwear.

The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered 'Is that Fanny Green?'

The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply
'No Father I think it's just a reflection from her shoes'.

[cheapracer]

Are you a frequent masturbater and need a "handle" for your personal love machine, well look no further than these suggestion ...

Pamela Handerson
Handgelina Jolie
Lindsay Lohand
Handy Moore
Jennifer Handison
Gwyneth Palmtrow
Palma Hayek
Handy McBride
Barbara Streishand
Handra Bullock

Or if you happen to be gay you could go for

Jimi Handrix
Ohando Bloom
Morehand Freeman
Hands Solo
Indy Handa Jones
Barack Opalma
Handy Whorehole
Keifer Sufferhand

[CCM500ccm]

A man and his wife are standing outside the Gorilla cage at the zoo, when the guy notices that
the Gorilla can't take his eyes off his wife.
So the guy says... Hey I think he likes you, undo your top button. So she does.
The Gorilla runs to the front of the cage and presses up against the bars.
So the guy says... Lift you skirt up a bit, show him some leg. So she does.
The Gorilla goes mad, and starts to fondle himself.
Being a quick thinker, the guy opens the door and throws his wife into the cage.
What the hell are you doing, she cries.
Now, tell HIM you've got a fu...en headache.

[cheapracer]

My idiot neighbor knocked on my door at 2.30am this morning, I mean WTF man??
Luckily for him I was still up playing my drums.

I think I was fobbed off by a blind girl today, I asked her out on a date but she told me she was seeing someone..

[FAT-TOY]

  A mate of mine has just started his own business in Afghanistan
  He's making land mines that look like a prayer book
  It's doing well.
  He says prophets are going through the roof.

[GD66]

Prayer MAT, in fact...

[Curly3]

How do you make your hanky dance?






Give it a little Boogy.

[FAT-TOY]

The Sneeze

A man and a woman were  sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane..

The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently  wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

The man went back to his reading.

A few minutes  later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.

Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the manwas still curious about the shuddering. A few more  minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her  body shaking even more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently.  Are you OK?"

"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I havea very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious.  "I have never heard of that condition before" he said.  "Are you
taking anything for it?"

The woman nodded,  "Pepper."

[TooFastTim]

My mates sister is a dyke, she went to one of those 48hr lesbo orgies at the weekend.
She was rushed into hospital with a suspected crack overdose

[mx250]

A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.
"Not yet," said the little boy.

His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.
Well,  he's a little pissed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow.  He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal..
"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.
"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any milk."
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "You gonna tell him or should I?"

[shorelinemc]

my wife is pissed off with me again ,swapped her tampons for a party popper .no sense of humour!

[mx250]

Two of the interesting (and deluded) elderly characters seen milling about expectantly at CD8. It seems they were a little confused about an event titled Classic Dirt with a slogan "same old same old" .