Funnies/Jokes

[PEZBerq]

Groan......took a while but I got there

[mx250]

To be topical and completely insensitive and politically incorrect (who me )......

Do you know why the Japanese tsunami did so much damage and went so far inland?

It's because water always picks up speed running down slopes.

[matcho mick]

 
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Greek, a Russian, an Estonian, a German, an Italian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Czech, and a Swiss man walk into a pub.

 

The publican says, "I can't let you in without a Thai. "
 

 

[pokey]

URGENT! BREAKING NEWS FROM LIBYA........
 
? ? ? ?? ? ? ?? ? ?. ? ? ? ? ?? ? ? ?? ? ? ? ? ?? ? ? ??
? ? ? ?? ? ? ?? ? ?. ? ? ? ? ?? ? ? ?? ? ? ? ? ?? ? ? ??
? ? ? ?? ? ? ?? ? ?. ? ? ? ? ?? ? ? ?? ? ? ? ? ?? ? ? ??
? ? ? ?? ? ? ?? ? ?. ? ? ? ? ?? ? ? ?? ? ? ? ? ?? ? ? ??
?. ? ? ? ? ?? ? ? ?? ? ? ? ? ?? ? ? ??
 
I’ll let you know if I hear anything else…

[090]

There's an annual contest at Texas A&M University - calling for the most appropriate definition of a contemporary term.

This year's term was: "Political Correctness"

The winner wrote:

"Political Correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a piece of crap by the clean end. "

 I concur.

[mx250]

POLITE WAY of CALLING SOMEONE A BASTARD

A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked  if he could join him. The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.

They were even after the first few holes. The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?" The first guy said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms.

The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.  As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy counting
his $80.00. He confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers. The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest.

The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money. The Priest said,"You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."

The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"

The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. And, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I'll marry them...

[matcho mick]

Saudi couple, Ahmed and Leyla, preparing for their wedding, meet with their
Mullah for counselling.
The Mullah asks if they have any last questions before they leave.

Ahmed asks, "We realize it's tradition in Islam for men to dance with men,
and women to dance with women. But, at our wedding reception, we'd like your
permission to dance together."
"Absolutely not," says the Mullah. "It's immoral. Men and women always dance
separately."
"So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?"
"No," answered the Mullah, "It's forbidden in Islam."


 "Well, okay," says Ahmed, "What about sex? Can we finally have sex?"
"Of course!" replies the Mullah, "Allah Akbar! (GOD is great) Sex is OK
within marriage, to have children!"
"What about different positions?" asks the man.
"Allah Akbar! Mafi Mushkila (no problem)," says the Mullah.
"Woman on top?" Ahmed asks.
"Sure," says the Mullah. "Allah Akbar. Go for it!"
"Doggy style?"
"Sure! Allah Akbar!"
"On the kitchen table?"
"Yes, yes! Allah Akbar!"
"Can I do it with all my four wives together on rubber sheets with a bottle
of hot oil, a couple of vibrators,leather harnesses, a bucket of honey and a
porno video?"
"You may indeed.. Allah Akbar!"
"Can we do it standing up?"
"No, absolutely not!" says the Mullah."
"Why not?" asks the man.
"Because that could lead to dancing!"



 

 

[mx250]

A man applying for a job at a Mildura Lemon Orchard seemed to be far too qualified for the job.
 
The foreman frowned and said, "I have to ask you this: Have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?"

He replied: "I've been divorced three times, bought a Leyland P76, a Yamaha SC500, a Maico Spyder, a Beta video player and took up both Telstra floats. Then I voted for Kevin Rudd and Julia Gillard. How am I doing so far?"

He got the job!

[mx250]

[maicoman18]

Another thread talks about VMX and our ages. I quess some of the common acronyms will need a bit of a tweek.

  SENIORS TEXTING CODE And  NET SPEAK

       ATD-At The Doctors.

       BFF-Best Friend Fell.

       BTW-Bring the Wheelchair.

       BYOT-Bring Your Own Teeth.

       FWIW-Forgot Where I Was.

      GGPBL-Gotta Go Pacemaker Battery Low.

      GHA-Got Heartburn Again.

      IMHO-Is My Hearing-Aid On

      LMDO-Laughing My Dentures Out.

      OMMR-On My Massage Recliner.

      OMSG-Oh My! Sorry, Gas.

      ROFLACGU-Rolling On Floor Laughing And Can't Get Up.

      TTYL-Talk To You Louder

Ed

[pancho]

 OK, while seniors are the target--
 A septegenarian [thats a gent in his seventies to u lot], came home from golf and complained 'its to anoying going to golf because I can no longer see where the ball went'.
Wifey says ' take my brother next time he can watch where it goes.'
'But he's 98, still then he HAS got sharp eyes'.
  Back at the course golf addict belts the ball a beauty & says to brother in law
 'did you see where it went'
  Answer comes 'yes' '
   'where is it'
   'I forget'.

[matcho mick]

oi senor puncho,reply 1182

[Stan S]

Subject: The Golfer

He left home around 8:30 to play golf with his friends.  On the way out the door, he answered his wife's "What time will you be home?" question with "Probably around 1:30 - I'll have lunch at the club."

1:30 came and went, 3:00 passed, 6:15, still not home, finally at about 7:00 PM he rolls in the driveway, leaves his clubs in the garage, and presents his wife with a pizza, and begins the apologetic story.

We finished our game about 11:30, had lunch, and I started home, when alongside the road I saw this attractive girl with a flat tire on her car.  I stopped to help, got the tire changed, and looked around for a place to wash my hands.  She offered money, but I refused, so she suggested that I at least allow her to buy me a beer.  She said there's a tavern just up the road, and they have a restroom, you can clean up a bit.  I agreed to stop, we had a beer, then another beer, then a couple more, and I realized that this girl was not only pretty, she was very friendly, and a good companion to spend time with.  Before I knew it, we were in the motel next door having sex.  And that is why I am so late getting home.

His wife looked him right in the eye and said "Don't bullshit me -- you played 36 holes, didn't you?"

 

[mx250]

[Pommie Barstad]

Thank for that one, mx250. Reminds me of the old one:

"What do you call a girl who can suck a tennis ball down a garden hose?"

" . . . Darling."