Funnies/Jokes

[TooFastTim]

That's a peach.

[TM BILL]

And she wasnt even pissed..... ...."the Jackie walk".....I wonder if it will catch on?

Perhaps Joan could work it into her routine 

[SLAWESY]

I just realised what was funnier. A guy on an RM250 T flipping it at the start of practise. He was about your build.....

Nothing like launching into a back flip on the main straight for the crowd!! Nearly made it!!! NOT.

[SLAWESY]

My daughter just walked into the living room and said, "Dad cancel my allowance, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out of the window, take my TV, stereo, iPhone and jewelry to the charity shop.  Sell my car, take my front door key and throw me out of the house".

Well, she didn't exactlly put it like that.
   
   
   
Actually she said, "Dad this is my new boyfriend, Mohammed."

[Lozza]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-ssXJtzFOjA&feature=player_embedded

Alan, Alan Alan 

[oldfart]

Slawesy ... they have a 5 speed gearbox  ;
Jackie ... I must admit you put on a good show 

[Stan S]

Man sitting at home on the verandah with his wife and he says, "I love you."


She asks, "Is that you or the beer talking?"


He replies, "It's me............. talking to the beer."

[Stan S]

I said: "Send me a 25 years old escort for the night !"…

[matcho mick]

Subject: husband down
>
>                        On the Public Address system:
>                        'Cleanup in aisle 25, we have a husband down.'
>
>                          Husband Down
>                        A husband and wife are shopping when the husband
> picks up a case of beer and puts it in their cart.
>                        'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
>                        'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans he replies.
>                        'Put them back, we can't afford them demands the
> wife, and so they carry on shopping.
>                        A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a
> $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
>                        What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
>                        'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,'
> replies the wife.
>                        Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of beer and
> it's half the price.'
>                        He never knew what hit him.
>
>
>
>

[TooFastTim]

Muslim TV

6.00: G-Had TV.
Morning prayers.

8.30: Talitubbies.
Talitubbies say "Eh-oh". Dipsy and Tinky-Winky repair a Stinger missile launcher.

9.00: Shouts of Praise.
More prayers.

10.00: The Apprentice.
Ten young Muslims complete a variety of tasks each week - one of them will be recruited by prominent Islamist leader Muqtada al-Sadr into a top position in the Mahdi Army.

11.00: Jihad's Army.
The Kandahar-on-Sea battalion repulse another attack by evil, imperialist, Zionist backed infidels.

12.00: Ready, Steady, Jihad!
Celebrities make lethal devices out of everyday objects.

12.30: Panoramadan.
The programme reports on America's attempts to take over the world.

13.30: Xena.
Modestly dressed housewife Xena stays at home and does some cooking.

14.00: Only Fools and Camels.
Dhal-Boy offloads some Chinese rocket launchers to Hamas.

14.30: Green Peter.
The total of Kalashnikovs bought by the milk bottle top appeal is revealed.

15.00: Madrasah Challenge.
Two more Islamic colleges meet. Bambah Kaskhain asks the questions. 'Starter for ten, no praying.'

15.30: I Love 629.
A look back at the events of the year, including the Prophet's entry into Mecca, and the destruction of pagan idols.

16.00: Question Time.
Members of the public face questions from political and religious leaders.

16.30: Countdown.
Can the American prisoners defuse the bomb in their cell before the timer runs down?

17.00: Koranation Street.
Deirdrie faces execution by stoning for adultery.

17.30: Middle-East Enders.
The entire cast is jailed for unislamic behaviour.

18.00: Holiday.
The team go on pilgrimage to Mecca. Again.

18.30: Top of the Prophets.
Will the Koran be No.1 for the 63,728th week running?

19.00: Who wants to be a Muhajadin?
Mahmoud Tarran asks the questions. Will contestants phone a mullah, go 'inshallah', or ask the Islamic council?
20.00: FILM: Shariah's Angels.
The three burkha-clad sleuths go undercover to expose an evil scheme to educate women.

21.30: Big Brother.
Who will be taken out of the house and executed this week?

22.00: Imam Ted.
Sitcom about three imams who live on a tiny island in the Persian Gulf. This week, Imam Dhuga'il accidentally burns down the mosque, while Imam Jakh is stoned to death for drinking alcohol.

22.30: Shahs in their Eyes.
More hopefuls imitate famous destroyers of the infidel.

23.30: They think it's Allah over.
Quiz culminating in the 'Don't feel the Mullah' round.

Midnight: When Imams Attack.
Amusing footage shot secretly in mosques. The filmers were also secretly shot.

00:.30: The West Bank Show.
Arts programme looking at anti-Israel graffiti art in the occupied territories.

01.30: Bhuffi the Infidel Slayer.

02.00: A book at bedtime.
The Koran. Again.

[GD66]

  Ripper !

[monte34]

Something there for everyone really

[cyclegod]

You forgot a few...

I.E.D Crime scene instigators
Some Martyrs do 'ave em
Fatwa Towers
Top Gear (also a car show where the three presenters try to find drivable "bombs" for less than $1000)

[TooFastTim]

 

[TooFastTim]

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling, "You Sign! You sign!"Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts. Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder. "You Sign! You sign!"Nelson says to him, "Look, you've obviously got the wrong man", and shuts the door in his face.

The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, "You sign! You sign!"Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little Chinese man back, shouting: "Look, go away! You've got the wrong man! I don't want them!" Then he slams the door in his face again.

The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again. On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting, "You sign! You sign!"Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts. This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man by his shirt front and yells at him; "Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?"The little Chinese man looks at him very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says 'you no nissan main dealer?