Funnies/Jokes

[FAT-TOY]

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz SL500."
Lynn Lavner
 
"It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."
George Burns
 
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship."
Sharon Stone


"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
Tiger Woods
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
Jack Nicholson
 
"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)

"Ah yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
Robin Williams
"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women.
They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
Robert De Niro
"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
Dustin Hoffman
 
"It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom."
Joan Rivers
 
 Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy.
Steve Martin
 
"You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older.  Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman.  Stuff you pay good money for later in life."
Elmo Phillips
 
 "Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."
Oscar Wilde

[FAT-TOY]

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he
asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money
from you, I'm doing community service this week.'
The florist was pleased and left the shop.
 
When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a
'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
 
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill,
the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing
community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.
 
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank
you ' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
 
Then a Member of Parliament came in for a haircut, and when he went to
pay his bill , the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from
you. I'm doing community service this week.'  The Member of Parliament
was very happy and left the shop.
 
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen
Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut.
 
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between
the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

[80-85 husky]

Its been a while but I got this from (of all places ) a pommy car forum....

enjoy

A young jackaroo from outback Queensland goes off to university, but halfway through the semester he foolishly has squandered all of his money.

 He calls home. 'Dad,' he says, 'you won't believe what modern education is developing.. They actually have a program here in Brisbane that will teach our dog Ol' Blue how to talk.'

 'That's amazing!' his Dad says. 'How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?'

 'Just send him down here with $2,000,' the young jackaroo says, 'I'll get him in the course.'

 So ... his father sends the dog and $2,000.

 About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home. 'So how's Ol' Blue doing, son?' his father wants to know?'

 'Awesome! Dad, he's talking up a storm... But you just won't believe this. They've had such good results with talking, they've begun to teach the animals how to read.'

 'Read?' exclaims his father. 'No kidding! How do we get Ol' Blue in that program?'

 'Just send $4,500. I'll get him in the class.'

 The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk nor read.

 So he shoots the dog. When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.

 'Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to talk with him, and see him read something!'

 'Dad,' the boy says, 'I have some grim news.

 Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal. Then he suddenly turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still bonking that little redhead barmaid at the pub?''

 The father groans and whispers, 'I hope you shot that S.O.B. before he talks to your Mother!'

 'I sure did, Dad!'

 'That's my boy!'

 The kid went on to be a successful lawyer.

[80-85 husky]

This is a story of a cool headed woman and a small calibre pistol against a fierce large predator. Whats the smallest calibre required"to protect you?? A Beretta JetFire .22
She says "i was out walking alongside the pond near my house with my soon to be Ex husband discussing property settlement and other divorce issues when we were charged by a 4 metre alligator intent on dinner."
"If it wasn't for the Jetfire 22 i wouldn't be here today!"
"Just 1 shot into the ex husbands kneecap was all that was required and the Gator got him easily while i walked away unharmed".
"Its one of the best pistols in my collection, saved me plenty in alimony, lawyers fees and the life insurance was a bonus!!"
"Thank You Beretta.."

[Mick D]

[xel93]

An elderly couple are having dinner to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary.

 The old man leans forward and says to his wife, "I want to assure you that these 50 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for and your answer will never take all that away.

 'But it has always bothered me that our fifth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. I must know, did he have a different father?"

 The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, pauses for moment and then confesses. "Yes, he did."

 "Who was he?" her husband asks.

 The woman pauses, gulps down her wine and finally says, "You."

[matcho mick]

finally an embarrassed husband goes to his doctor,tells his doctor he's having trouble getting an erection,& it's causing problems with his wife
the doctor checks his blood pressure,& other vitals,all seemed fine,after a thorough examination,doc asks to see his wife
when she arrived,doc places her in another cubicle,then asks her to disrobe,then asks her to rotate slowly,then raise her hands above her head & rotate slowly again,then he asks her to touch her toes,& cough,having finished his examination,he then asks her to dress,leaving her he goes back to the waiting husband in the other cubicle,
you can relax now,theres absolutely nothing wrong with you,i couldn't get an erection either!!

[xel93]

During a dull Parliament House dinner,
 Chloe Shorten leaned over to chat with Governor General Cosgrove.

"I bought Bill a parrot for his birthday.
 That bird is so smart,
 Bill has already taught him to say over two hundred words!"

“Very impressive," said Cosgrove,
 "but, you do realise he just speaks the words.
 He doesn't really understand what they all mean.”

"Oh, I know", replied Chloe,
“but neither does the parrot."



An Irishman, named Paddy,(what else), inherited his Uncles  house when he passed away, and  he came across 2 old Stuffed German Pointer Dogs. So, Paddy, thought to himself he would take them to the Antique Roadshow and have them appraised.
 "Oh, my goodness," said the presenter, "These are a very rare set indeed, made by the British Taxidermy Company, in the late 17th century. Do you have any idea what they would fetch in good condition?"  the presenter asked.


 Paddy paused then said "Sticks."

[xel93]

The police phoned me to tell me my wife was in hospital.

 "How is she?" I asked.

 "Very critical," replied the officer.

 "What's she complaining about now?"  I said

[maxvmx]

G’day viewers, on tonight’s show I’m going to show you things to look out for when trying to pull a root, so settle back and enjoy another episode of Burkes Back Yard

[80-85 husky]

i dont know what the fuss about don burke is?? he was like that 30 years ago..everybody knew!!

[xel93]

Bert feared his wife Peg wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.
 Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.

 The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

 'Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.'

 That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was In the den. He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens.' Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

 No response.

 So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, 'Peg, what's for dinner?'

 Still no response.

 Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his Wife and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

 Again he gets no response.

 So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

 Again there is no response.

 So he walks right up behind her. 'Peg, what's for dinner?'

 (I just love this)
 'For F#@k sake, Bert, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!'

[FAT-TOY]

                                  It is important for men to remember that as women grow older?
It is important for men to remember that as women grow older it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping they did when they were younger. When men notice this, they should try not to yell. Let me relate how I handle the situation.
When I chucked my job and took early retirement a year ago, it became necessary for my wife to get a full-time job both for extra income and for health insurance benefits that we need. She was a trained lab tech when we met thirty some years ago and was fortunate to land a job at the local medical centre as a phlebotomist.
It was shortly after she started working at this job that I noticed that she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from fishing or hunting about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says that she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts supper.
I try not to yell at her when this happens. Instead, I tell her to take her time. I understand that she is not as young as she used to be. I just tell her to wake me when she finally does get supper on the table.
She used to wash and dry the dishes as soon as we finished eating. It is now not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after supper. I do what I can by reminding her several times each evening that they aren't cleaning themselves. I know she appreciates this, as it does seem to help her get them done before she goes to bed.
Our washer and dryer are in the basement. When she was younger, Nancy used to be able to go up and down the stairs all day and not get tired.
Now that she is older she seems to get tired so much more quickly. Sometimes she says she just can't make another trip down those steps. I don't make a big issue of this. As long as she finishes up the laundry the next evening I am willing to overlook it. Not only that, but unless I need something ironed to wear to the Monday's lodge meeting or to Wednesday's or Saturday's club or to Tuesday's or Thursday's bowling or Friday's poker game or something like that, I will tell her to wait until the next evening to do the ironing. This gives her a little more time to do some of those odds and ends things like shampooing the dog, vacuuming, or dusting.
Also, if I have had a really good day fishing, this allows her to gut and scale the fish at a more leisurely pace. Nancy is starting to complain a little occasionally. Not often, mind you, but just enough for me to notice. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. In spite of her complaining, I continue to try to offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any, if you know what I mean.
When doing simple jobs she seems to think she needs more rest periods than she used to have to take. A couple of weeks ago she said she had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard.
I overlook comments like these because I realize it's just age talking. In fact, I try to not embarrass her when she needs these little extra rest breaks. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. I tell her that as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me and take her break by the hammock so she can talk with me until I fall asleep.
I could go on and on, but I think you know where I'm coming from.
I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Nancy on a daily basis. I'm not saying that the ability to show this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible. No one knows better than I do how frustrating women can become as they get older. My purpose in writing this is simply to suggest that you make the effort. I realize that achieving the exemplary level of showing consideration I have attained is out of reach for the average man. However guys, even if you just yell at your wife a little less often because of this article, I will consider that writing it was worthwhile.
EDITORS NOTE:
Ron died suddenly on January 31 of a perforated rectum.
The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50 inch Big Bertha Driver II club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledge hammer lying nearby.
His wife Nancy was arrested and charged with murder…
The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defence that Ron, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on this golf club.

            Zane

[FAT-TOY]

Paddy says to Murphy,
"Have you seen the news?
3 cliff walkers have fallen to their deaths!"

"Unbelievable, said Murphy,
I can't believe they all had
the same name!"

[80-85 husky]

guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. sees a jar full of $100 notes and says "whats that for?" barkeep says "its the manhood test..put up a $100, pass it and you get all the $$".." what do i have to do ?" says ol mate and the barkeep goes " test 1. knock out Bruiser the bouncer with 1 punch..test 2 is to go out the back and pull the infected tooth from tiger the pitbulls mouth and test 3 is to sexually satisfy the old hooker upstairs, shes never been satisfied...Ol mate slams his beer down, drops a $100 in the jar and waltzes up to Bruiser and floors him with a right cross, heads straight out the back and all hell breaks loose, growling barking screams, hysterical barking yells #$%$% shit being smashed then silence... ol mate walks in..clothes shredded, bleeding from a dozen bites and says to the barkeep ..
" Right..now wheres that hooker with the crook tooth....."