Funnies/Jokes

[Wombat]

This says it all:
 
I was having trouble with my computer, so I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over.

Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?
He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

I didn't want to appear stupid but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error?
What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'

Eric grinned... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?'
'No,' I replied. 
'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'

So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T

I used to like Eric...

 

[Wombat]

EXERCISES FOR PEOPLE OVER 50 (and VMXers of any age):
 
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can.

Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks.

Then try 50-lb. potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.

[mx250]

Yeah Wombat, ya got me. I didn't see that coming.

[Wombat]

Some really classic lines in that last one. I hope I can remember them when an opportunity arises.
I think these two were Gold!

Your heart is only good for so many beats..........Want to live longer? Take a nap.

If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.  

[mx250]

Short and sweet - an Irish joke, just for a change  .

Paddy met Mick in the street and Mick said; 'Paddy, will you draw your
bedroom curtains before making love to your wife in future?'

'Why?' Paddy asked.

'Because,' said Mick, 'all the street was laughing when they saw you making love yesterday.'

'Silly buggers,' Paddy said, 'the laugh's on them. I wasn't even home yesterday.'  

[pokey]

73  scamming rides on a mates green xr75 ... 81 seen me playing with a Z1100mk11  and angry is shorter than me and chrissie didnt wear knikkers  to her concerts

[Wombat]

The Bacon Tree

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death.
 
They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden.......

'Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell.
Ees bacon I is sure of eet.'

'Si, Luis eet smells like bacon to meee.'

So, with renewed strength, they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon... every imaginable kind of cured pig meat.

'Pepe, Pepe, we is saved. 'Eees a bacon tree.'

'Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage?
We ees in the Desert don't forget.'

'Pepe when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree'.

And with that... Luis Races towards the tree.

He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens up,and Luis is cut down in his tracks.

It is clear he is mortally
wounded but, a true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.

'Pepe... go back man,you was right ees not a bacon tree.'

'Luis Luis mi amigo... what ees it?

'Pepe... ees not a bacon tree...

Ees

Ees

Ees

 
Eees a Ham Bush.
 
 
 
 

[mx250]

Wombat, ya just hamming it up now and telling porkies  .

[Wombat]

TOP TIPS:   

DON'T waste money on expensive iPods. Simply think of your favourite tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song you like and hum that instead.   

RAPPERS: Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place. 

DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your identity stolen. Simply  place a few dog turds in the garbage bags along with your old bank statements.   

WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to remove the stains.   

MURDERERS: Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and mail it to yourself via the Postal Service. You will never see it again.   

EMPLOYERS: Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the CVs/Resumes into the garbage.   

MEN: When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save your wife from having to do it.   

GAMBLERS: For a new gambling opportunity, try mailing $50 to yourself.   

BLIND PEOPLE: At  least give yourself a chance of seeing something by not wearing those heavy dark glasses all the time.   

DRIVERS: If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms  frantically. This should help the car start and send them on their  way.   

PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving everything into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the morning, simply move it all back again.   

DEPRESSED PEOPLE: Instead of attempting suicide as a 'cry for help', simply shout 'Help!' thus saving money on anti- depressants, etc.   

MOTORISTS: Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you are listening to the sea.   

SHOES: They will last twice as long if only worn every other day.   

SINGLE MEN: Convince people that you have a girlfriend by standing outside a woman's fashion  shop with several bags of shopping, looking at your watch and occasionally glancing inside.   

BOIL an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping the egg into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60 mph. After 3 miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out the  pan.   

McDONALD'S: Should make 'green' coloured take-away bags so they blend in with the countryside  after they've been thrown out of car windows.   

WOMEN: Don't waste energy faking orgasms. Most men couldn't give a shit and you can use the saved energy to vacuum the house afterwards.           
 

[Quicksilver]

Little Johnnie's neighbour had a baby.
Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.



When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby.

Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.

His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.

When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."
The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnnie.

Johnnie said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?"

"Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision."

"That's great", said Little Johnnie,"coz he'd be forked if he needed glasses".

[mx250]

[Wombat]

A precious little girl walks into a Pet Shop and asks:
"Excuthe me, do you have any widdle wabbits?"

The Shopkeepers heart melts, he gets down on his knees so he's on her level and says,
"Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft, fwuffy bwack wabbit - or one like that widdle bwown wabbit over there?"

The little girl blushes and rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and whispers, " I don't weally fink my pyfon gives a phuk..."

[mx250]

The Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters

but always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time

for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant

and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery

to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child

he had ever seen.

He told his wife: 'There's no way I can

be the father of this baby.

Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!

Have you been fooling around behind my back?'

The wife smiled sweetly and replied:

'Not this time!'

[mx250]

A man owned a small farm. The Department of Labour and Industry claimed he was not paying proper wages to his staff and sent an representative out to interview him.

'I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,' demanded the rep.

 'Well,' replied the farmer, 'there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him 200 a week plus free room and board.
 
The cook/housekeeper has been here for 18 months, and I pay her 150 per week plus free room and board.
 
Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here.

He makes about 10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of whiskey every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.'
 
'That's the guy I want to talk to...the half-wit,' says the agent.


'That would be me,' replied the farmer.

[mx250]

WOMEN AS EXPLAINED BY ENGINEERS