Funnies/Jokes

[Wombat]

Beans happen:

One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. 
When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
 
Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work.
Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him that I would be late because I had to walk home.
On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odor of baked beans was more than I could stand.

With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home.
So I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans.
All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.   
Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly:
'Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight!'
 
 
He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table.
I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the  telephone rang. 
He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call.
 
The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go.
It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. 
I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously.. 
Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more.
The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. 
Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes.
 
The pleasure was indescribable.
When eventually the telephone farewells signalled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself. 
My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologising for taking so long. 
He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not. 
 
At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: 'Happy Birthday!'  
 
 
 
 

[mx250]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wfw4uGwKEiY&feature=related

...for the Black Adder fans .

[firko]

Tool Descriptions

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your coffee across the room, splattering it against that freshly- stained heirloom piece you were drying.

 WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned guitar calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh *..'

 ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

 SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

 PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters. Most often the tool used by all women.

 BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

 HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

 VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads.

 If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

 WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

 OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

 WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or

 15/16 socket you've been searching for the last 45 minutes.

 TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

 HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

 EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle

 TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel debris.

 E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.

 RADIAL ARM SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to scare neophytes into choosing another line of work.

 TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

 CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

 AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

 TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, 'the sunshine vitamin,' which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health  benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark  than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

 PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to  strip out Phillips screw heads. Women excel at using this tool.

 FLAT-HEAD SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Often used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws

 AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Adelaide Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts which were last over tightened 30 years ago by someone at Ford, and instantly rounds off their heads. Also used to quickly snap off lug nuts

 PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

 HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

 HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit. Women primarily use it to make gaping holes in walls when hanging pictures.

 POCKET KNIFE: Used to slice through the contents within cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as car seats, vinyl, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.

 Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while being worn.

 MICROMETER...A precision tool made for measuring objects in increments of one thousand of an inch. In emergency situations it can double as a 'C' clamp.

 CRESCENT WRENCH: Adjustable wrench used in place of proper tool.

 Generally rounds off bolts slower than pliers, but with same effect. Also used as hammering device, usually on concrete followed by loud cursing.

 

[mx250]

An oldie but so sooo true Firko 

[mx250]

A radio station in Australia ran a phone-in competition to find the Most
embarrassing moment in listener's lives. (Yeah, yeah, if you believe that I've got a nice new bridge I can sell you  ) The final four were:


4th Place (deserves better IMHO)

"While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release
some pent-up energy and started to run amuck. I was finally able to grab
hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other
patrons.

I told her that if she didn't start behaving herself, right now, she would be punished.

To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, 'If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma I saw you kissing Daddy's willie last night.'

After this enlightening exchange, the silence was deafening. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered the last of my dignity andwalked out of the bank, with my daughter in tow.

The last thing I heard as the door closed behind me were screams of laughter."

3rd Place

"It was the day before my 18th birthday. I was living at home, but my
parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend over
for a romantic night alone.

As we lay in bed after making love, we heard the telephone ringing downstairs. I suggested to my girlfriend that I give her a piggyback ride down to the phone. Since we didn't want to miss the call, we didn't have time to get dressed. When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on as a whole crowd of people yelled 'SURPRISE'.

My entire family parents, grand parents, aunts, uncles, cousins as well as my friends, were standing there. My girlfriend and I were frozen on the spot in a state of shock and embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity.

Since then, no one in myfamily has planned any surprise parties."

(That's a true story. I know, I rang it in ).

2nd Place

A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally Got
up to the checkout, she learned that one of the items had no price tag.
The checkout girl got on the public address system, which boomed out
across the store for everyone to hear, 'Price check for Tampax
supersize.'

But it got worse. Someone at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood word 'Tampax' for 'Thumbtacks' , and replied in a business like tone, his voice booming over the same public address system: 'Do you want the kind you push in with your thumb or the kind one you belt in with a hammer.'


And the winner is . . ...

1st Place.

This happened at a major Australian University, during a biology
lecture. A professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in
semen. A young woman raised her hand and asked, 'If I understand you
correctly, you are saying there is as much glucose in male semen as in
sugar?' The professor responded, yes, that's correct adding some
statistical data. Raising her hand again, the girl asked, 'Then why
doesn't it taste sweet?' After a stunned silence, the whole class burst
out laughing. The poor girl turned bright red, and as she realised
exactly what she had inadvertently said, she picked up her books, and
without another word, walked out of the class. However, as she was
heading for the door, the professor's reply was a classic. Totally
straight faced, he answered her question. 'It doesn't taste sweet
because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and
not in the back of your throat'.

Yeah, that deserves 1st place, it put me ROFL holding my sides.
 

[pokey]

 

Sofa King We Todd Did

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dz3whuYYxG0&feature=related

[Wombat]

A little old lady is walking down the street dragging two large plastic rubbish bags behind her.
One of the bags rips, and every once in a while a $20 note falls out onto the footpath.

Noticing this, a Policeman stops her, and says, "Ma'am, there are $20 notes falling out of your bag."

"Oh, really? Darn!" says the little old lady. "I'd better go back, and see if I can find them.
Thanks for telling me."

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money?'
You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no", says the little old lady.
"You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot.
On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through the fence into my flower garden.
So, I stand behind the fence with my hedge clippers.
Each time some guy sticks his willy through the fence, I say, '$20 or off it comes.'"

"Well, that seems only fair." laughs the cop.
"OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well, you know", says the little old lady, "not everybody pays."

[mx250]

Thats why Scrooge McDuck never had duckings isn't Micky  .

[Wombat]

HOW MANY F's
FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE
SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTI
FIC STUDY COMBINED WITH
THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS...
see below
try again there is 6.
yep, there is 6, your brain can't process the word of.
If you counted 6 first then you should not be on this website u r a genuis

I guess I'm a Genius...well not really, I read it backwards and all the 'F' s stood out. Here's a bit of trivia...

Apparently we are so 'programmed' to scanning a page from left to right that we easily skip over things; such as the 'F's. We tend to look for lost items (tiny screws/circlips) on the ground in a similar manner.
The theory is that our eyes skim over these things from left to right, but if you scan from right to left you'll notice your eyes stop when they pick something out of place.

It works for me...

[Wombat]

I loved that last post - I don't often laugh out loud when reading!

[pokey]

[Tim754]

Grab the pig!! seen the price of pork lately!!!!

[Tim754]

No we used to poor petrol over the tyres and road too. Adds that touch of glamour to the run of the mill burn out. Cheers Tim  Best one I remember was a bloke on a Z900 doing a burnout with flames on a steel building frame girder!! 4 stories up!!!!!!! with his girlfriend on back................

[Tim754]

And didn't your feet get bloody hot! Don't try it in an old bath tub, the poxy old crap were made out of cast iron and those little cast leg things hook up in pot holes then the whole shebang shatters like glass .............. not that I know from dumb teenage experience

[mx250]

 AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES
 
1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.
 
2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.
 
3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE  A TIMER.
 
4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.
 
5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH
 
6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.
 
 
7. IF YOU CAN 'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.
 
 
 
DAILY THOUGHT: SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.