Funnies/Jokes

[TM BILL]

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES :

1. TO AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES, GET SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

2 TO AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT-    USE THE SINK.

3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. [REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.]

4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES - YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE.    IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40.     IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

 

[Nobby25]

[EML]

Is that chest protector FIM approved???

[80-85 husky]

The Talking Centipede     


A single guy decided life would be more fun
if he had a pet.


So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.



After some discussion, he finally bought a talking centipede, (100-legged bug), which came in a little white box to use for his house.


He took the box back home, found a good spot for the box,
and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to church with him.

So he asked the centipede in the box,   
"Would you like to go to church with me today? We will have a good time."

But there was no answer from his new pet.



This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked again,   
"How about going to church with me and receive blessings?"



But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet.
So he waited  a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.

The guy decided to invite the centipede one last time.

This time he put his face up against the centipede's house and shouted,   

"Hey, in there! Would you like to go  to church with me and learn about God?"  >:
...


A little voice came out of the box.....

"I heard you the first F****** time! I'm putting my shoes on!"

[gt96]

A useful sign; could be used on a wide range of machines!

[shelpi]

A useful sign; could be used on a wide range of machines!

  :Dwhere can I get the sticker from good one

[pancho]

 Could think of several uses!
 
  1/ Next to all RT1 kick starters.

[pancho]

 A bloke in the city set up a table on the footparth with brown paper bags containing "FACTS" as per the sign he had on the front edge of the table.
 
People hurrying off to work just gave a curious passing glance and didn't stop.
 
A passing Magistrate was bemused by the sign, and he as was always interested in 'just the facts' decided to pay up the $10 to satisfy his curiosity.
  He payed up,

  Opened up the paper bag to see a big turd inside!
 
 He exclaimed...SHIT!!
 The sales man said....
 

 That's a fact sir

[FAT-TOY]

At dawn the telephone rings,
"Hello, Señor Bob ? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."
"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Señor Bob , that your parrot, he is dead".
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"
"Si, Señor, that's the one."
"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"
"From eating the rotten meat, Señor Bob ."
"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"
"Nobody, Señor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."
"Dead horse? What dead horse?"
"The thoroughbred, Señor Bob .."
"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"
"Yes, Señor Bob , he died from all that work pulling the water cart."
"Are you insane? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire, Señor."
"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"
"The one at your house, Señor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."
"What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!"
"Yes, Señor Bob ."
"But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"
"For the funeral, Señor Bob .."
"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"
"Your wife's, Señor Bob . She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief,
so I hit her with your new Ping G15 204g titanium head golf club with the TFC 149D graphite shaft."
SILENCE...........
LONG SILENCE.........
VERY LONG SILENCE............
"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep shit."
                                                                              Zane

[matcho mick]

watch the vids,gold

http://www.bohemian.com/BohoBlog/archives/2013/07/12/ktvu-reports-asiana-pilots-named-sum-ting-wong-ho-lee-fuk

[pancho]

watch the vids,gold

http://www.bohemian.com/BohoBlog/archives/2013/07/12/ktvu-reports-asiana-pilots-named-sum-ting-wong-ho-lee-fuk

[80-85 husky]

Gold, priceless gold...

[matcho mick]

was even on my local radio stations 5 pm news,but for obvious reasons',they stated,they didn't read out the 1st pilots name  ,classic,makes you wonder!!,apparently the US radio station checked 1st with Aviation authority,those names were confirmed ,(somebody else likes a good joke too),a pisser,

[Ted]

And the newsreader's name SUM DUM HO

[matcho mick]

An Afghanistan diplomat visiting the US for the first time was being wined and dined by the State Department.

The diplomat was not used to the salt in American foods (French fries,
cheeses, salami, anchovies, etc.) and was constantly sending his
manservant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water.

Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of
water, but then came the time when he returned empty handed.

"Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water?" demanded the diplomat.

"A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One," stammered the wretched Abdul.
"But a man is sitting on the well!"