Funnies/Jokes

[VMX247]

BEING MARRIED FOR 44 YEARS, I TOOK A CAREFUL LOOK AT MY WIFE ONE  DAY AND SAID, "HONEY, 44 YEARS AGO WE HAD A CHEAP APARTMENT, A  CHEAP CAR, SLEPT ON A SOFA BED AND WATCHED A 10-INCH BLACK AND  WHITE TV, BUT I GOT TO SLEEP EVERY NIGHT WITH A HOT 25-YEAR-OLD  GAL.

NOW I HAVE A $500,000.00 HOME, A  $45,000 CAR,SEVEN VINTAGE DIRT BIKES, NICE BIG BED AND PLASMA SCREEN TV, BUT I'M SLEEPING WITH A 65-YEAR-OLD WOMAN.  IT SEEMS TO ME THAT YOU'RE NOT HOLDING UP YOUR SIDE OF THINGS."

MY WIFE IS A VERY REASONABLE WOMAN.  SHE TOLD ME TO GO OUT AND FIND A HOT 25-YEAR-OLD  GAL, AND SHE WOULD MAKE SURE THAT I WOULD ONCE AGAIN BE LIVING IN  A CHEAP APARTMENT, DRIVING A CHEAP CAR, SLEEPING ON A SOFA BED AND  WATCHING A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV.

AREN'T OLDER WOMEN GREAT? THEY REALLY KNOW HOW TO SOLVE YOUR MID-LIFE CRISIS! 

[TM BILL]

Due to the popularity of facebook and the inevitable over crowding, they are moving all ethnic members to a new site and calling it junglebook 

[tony27]

I've heard that 1 before but it's flawed, only works if you were born last century. If you take whole birthyear & this years age it equals 2011 though & will do all this century 

[mx250]

My wife asked me, "How many women have you slept with?"

I proudly replied, "Only you, Darling. With all the others, I was awake." ...............














.......... Hospital Visiting Hours are 10 AM to 8 PM

[mx250]

[090]

I was walking down the road when I noticed my Arab neighbor Abdul standing on his fifth floor apartment balcony, shaking a carpet. I yelled to him, "What's wrong Abdul? Won't it start?" 

[TM BILL]

Took a dyslexic woman home last night, told her what to do - she ended up cooking my sock!

Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and stopped breathing.
I thought she was dead until I saw the red spot on her forehead, and realised she was just on standby.

Just Fostered a Muslim kid.
All 4 cans hit him right on the back of the head.

Got a right beating last night by a 6ft 7in black bloke.
All I said was, "Golly, you're tall."

They've had to cancel the panto 'Jack & the beanstalk',in Birmingham .
Oldham, Bradford, Burnley, Leicester, and Luton : because the giant couldn't smell any Englishmen.

Muslim terrorists have gone on the rampage in Bradford , killing anyone who's English.
Police fear the death toll could be as high as 5.

Years ago it was suggested that, 'An apple a day keeps the doctor away.'
But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works a treat!

 

[chrisdespo]

There was a bloke walking down the road swearing and spitting going #$@& I'm lucky to be alive! the coppers grabbed him and said mate you can't go around carrying on like that whats going on ? the bloke goes you see officer its like this i was walking down the lane over there and this giant of a man comes up and hold a gun to my head and says suck this or i will blow your head off , shit @#!& i'm lucky to be alive!!!!!!!! 

[TM BILL]

The Old Flame


I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who this morning
called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still around.
We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to
enjoy together.


I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and
rekindling a little of that "old magic".


"Wow!" I was flabbergasted.


"I don't know if I could keep pace with you now", I said, "I'm a bit older
and a bit greyer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don't really
have the energy I used to have."


She just giggled and said she was sure I would "rise to the challenge".


"Yeah." I said. "Just so long as you don't mind a waistline that's a few
inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle
tone...everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am
developing jowls like a Great Dane!"

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly.

She teased me saying that tubby, grey haired, older men were cute, and she
was sure I would still be a great lover.



Anyway, she giggled and said, "I've put on a few pounds myself!"



So I told her to fork off.
 

[mx250]

Dear Romeo,
        My death isn't the only thing I've been faking...
                                                        Sincerely, Juliet

[mx250]

[EML]

Thanks for those last couple TM and Graham, just what I needed at the end of a tough week.
Cheers.

[TooFastTim]

[TooFastTim]

[Curly3]

Islamic exremists have gone on a rampage in the Bankstown area of Sydney killing all non Muslim residents.
Police expect the death toll to reach 5.