Author Topic: Funnies/Jokes  (Read 662003 times)

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mx250

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #540 on: September 29, 2009, 09:51:56 am »

Dear Mrs. Samuel,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store.  We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store.  Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Samuel, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15:  Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other
people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2:  Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute
intervals.

3. July 7:  He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
women's restroom.

4. July 19:  Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice,
'Code 3 in Housewares.  Get on it right away'.  This caused the employee
to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor
that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose
time and costing the company money.

5. August 4:  Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on
layaway.

6. August 14:  Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15:  Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children
shoppers he'd invite them in if; they would bring pillows and blankets from
the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23:  When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed,
'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called..

9. September 4:  Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10:  While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3:  In dark sunglasses he darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6:  Repeated his June 15th condom trick with a new twist; he added Depends and a personal lubricant to everyone’s carts.

13. October 18:  Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21:  When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least:

15. October 23:  Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile,
then yelled very loudly, 'Hey!  There's no toilet paper in here.' One of
the clerks passed out.

mx250

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #541 on: September 29, 2009, 01:48:44 pm »
;) ;D

mx250

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #542 on: September 30, 2009, 04:27:32 pm »

mx250

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #543 on: October 01, 2009, 07:24:42 am »

mx250

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #544 on: October 02, 2009, 07:33:19 pm »
;D

Offline Hoony

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #545 on: October 03, 2009, 05:40:10 pm »
The lesbians next door asked me what I would like for my birthday.

I was quite surprised when they gave me a Rolex.
 
It was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me when I said, “I wanna watch.”
Long time Honda Fan, but all bike nut in general, Big Bore 2 stroke fan.    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XJoKP6MawYI
1985 Honda CR500RF "Big Red"
1986 Honda CR250RG
2005 KTM 300EXC "The GruntMeister" ( I love that engine)

Offline k2000x

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #546 on: October 04, 2009, 09:12:45 am »
an eskimos holidaying in new zealand, his car brakes down so the kiwi looks under the bonnet and say" bro ya blown a seal" the eskimo says so what mate you f@#k sheep

Curly3

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #547 on: October 04, 2009, 07:45:55 pm »
How do you catch a Polar Bear?
Cut a hole in the Ice and put peas around it.
When he comes up for a pea, kick him in the ice hole.
You should be on the stage Graeme?

Offline jimson

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #548 on: October 04, 2009, 08:12:12 pm »
You blokes want a joke I went to the dentist on friday I'm sitting in his chair with that this is gunner hurt feeling  :'( he has a look say's something about root canal and $2500 lucky I was sitting down anyways how much to pull it out then he said I'll have to take two out $340 so okay I count the cash in the wallet I've got $360 on me and I'm in pain go ahead. He digs in takes a hour and half streaches my mouth that much that he splits my lip in the corner digs around has great difficulty in pulling the basteds out cuts them in half to have a better go at it. He gets there in the end then has to go back and stich the big hole he's made & says I should charge you $708 bucks for the time it took  :o  ::)  :-\  jimson
Just a balless freak having a go

Offline Nathan S

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #549 on: October 07, 2009, 11:35:36 am »
A rich man living in Darwin decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbours. He also invited Colin, the only Bultaco rider in the neighbourhood.
He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.

Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns, oysters and flirting...

At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 15ft man-eating crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in.'

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Colin in the pool fighting the croc, jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of stuff like head butts and chokeholds, biting the croc on the tail and flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.

The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Colin and the croc were screaming and raising hell.

Finally Colin strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a dead goldfish.

Colin then slowly climbed out of the pool.

Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.
The host says, 'Well, Colin, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.'
'Nah, you all right boss, I don't want it,' said Colin.

The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet.
How about half a million bucks then?'

'No thanks. I don't want it,' answered Colin.

The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?

Again, Colin said "No."

Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well Colin, then what do you want?

Colin said:
'I want the bastard who pushed me in.'
The good thing about telling the truth is that you don't have to remember what you said.

mx250

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #550 on: October 09, 2009, 10:41:20 am »

Offline VMX247

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #551 on: October 09, 2009, 10:46:15 am »
reminds me of truckie's 2way radio conversation on the Nullabor.  ;D
cheers
Best is in the West !!

mx250

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #552 on: October 09, 2009, 12:19:32 pm »
reminds me of truckie's 2way radio conversation on the Nullabor.  ;D
cheers
The content or the choice of words? :o

Offline VMX247

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #553 on: October 09, 2009, 12:38:31 pm »
reminds me of truckie's 2way radio conversation on the Nullabor.  ;D
cheers
The content or the choice of words? :o

both kinda  8) they where discussing the gas/air styles of the driver seats in trucks. :-\....Well it is a long drive and these things are important  ;D
cheers
Best is in the West !!

mx250

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #554 on: October 09, 2009, 01:27:50 pm »
When they miniaturize it it will be a great innovation for your pacemaker.

http://vodpod.com/watch/1257043-lewrockwell-com-blog