Author Topic: Funnies/Jokes  (Read 662272 times)

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montynut

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #915 on: October 12, 2010, 09:35:46 am »
For your deep and meaningful consideration
 
Are you a Labor, a Liberal, or a National Voter?

Here is a little test that will help you decide.
The answer can be found by posing the following question.
You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children.
Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities,
praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you.
You are carrying a Smith & Wesson 6 shot revolver gun, and you are an expert shot.
You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.
What do you do?   

THINK AND READ CAREFULLY THEN SCROLL DOWN:




Labor Voter’s Answer:
Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!

Does the man look poor or oppressed?

Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?

Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids?

Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation?

Does the hand-gun have appropriate safety built into it?

Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?

Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?

Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?

If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?  Should I call 000?

Why is this street so deserted? We need to raise taxes, have community clean -up day.  Can we make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behaviour.

I need to debate this with some friends for a few days and try to come to a consensus.   

This is all so confusing!   


...............................................................................
Liberal's Answer:
BANG!


..........................................................................
National's Amswer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
Click.... (Sounds of reloading)
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
Daughter: 'Nice grouping, Daddy!'
'We’re those the Winchester Copper Tips or Hollow Points?! '
Son: 'Can I shoot the next one?!'
Wife: 'You are not taking that to the Taxidermist!’



monaro308

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #916 on: October 12, 2010, 09:57:02 am »
I had sex with a girl that stutters.
It was great,i managed to finish before she could say no!

monaro308

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #917 on: October 12, 2010, 10:02:04 am »
My girfriend doesn't like my new aftershave,called 'Chloroform.'
Apparently it makes her feel sleepy and gives her a sore arse..... :P

Curly3

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #918 on: October 12, 2010, 12:43:43 pm »
They're looking for 2 Muslim bashers in the Bankstown area.
I applied but aparently it's not a job.

TM BILL

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #919 on: October 12, 2010, 02:25:18 pm »
A pakistani has been shot with a starting pistol at the commonwealth games  :o

Police say the attack was definetly race related  :)

090

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #920 on: October 12, 2010, 08:10:28 pm »
Got caught sniffing my mates sisters undies yesterday.
Wouldn't have been so bad but she was wearing them at the time.
He went nuts!
Made the rest of her funeral awkward.

oldfart

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #921 on: October 12, 2010, 08:13:29 pm »
Brad that's sick

090

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #922 on: October 12, 2010, 08:15:59 pm »
Thanks  ;D

Offline Stan S

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #923 on: October 13, 2010, 06:51:27 am »
A Kiwi was washed up on a beach after a shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up  with him. After looking around, he realised that they were stranded on a  deserted island.

After being there  awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal
companions to the beach  every evening to watch the sunset.

One particular evening,  the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus
clouds, the breeze was  warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the  sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned  over to the sheep and put his arm around it.

But the sheepdog, ever  protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from  around the sheep.

After that, the three of  them continued to enjoy the sunsets together,but
there was no more  cuddling.

A few weeks passed by  and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.

The only survivor was  Julia Gillard.

That evening, the man  brought Julia to the evening beach ritual. It was
another beautiful  evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of  romance.

Pretty soon, the man  started to get 'those feelings' again.

He fought the urges as  long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Julia and told  her he hadn't had sex for months.

Julia batted her  eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him.

The Kiwi said, 'Take the dog  for a walk!'

Offline jackiemac

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #924 on: October 19, 2010, 07:31:54 pm »
Got caught sniffing my mates sisters undies yesterday.
Wouldn't have been so bad but she was wearing them at the time.
He went nuts!
Made the rest of her funeral awkward.


You are definately one sick puppy Brad ::)



A couple were celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beaches in Montego Bay , Jamaica .
 
Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. People would say, 'What a peaceful & loving couple'

The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.
 
The Husband replied: 'Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America,' explained the man.
 
'We visited the Grand Canyon, in Arizona , and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon, by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled and she almost fell off.

My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said, 'That's once.'

We proceeded a little further and her horse stumbled again. Again my wife quietly said, 'That's twice.'

We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for the third time my wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead.

I SHOUTED at her, 'What's wrong with you, Woman! Why did you shoot the poor animal like that, are you *%&#@$ crazy!?'

She looked at ME, and quietly said, 'That's once.'

 And from that moment..... we have lived happily every after!
 

Keep Smiling :)
Be kind to your neighbour!!

Offline FAT-TOY

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #925 on: October 19, 2010, 10:30:21 pm »
 Saw this sign on the wall of a railway underpass a few years ago ( NEWZEALAND SUCS) about a week later when passing the same spot noticed another sign under it (AUSTRALIA NIL)
Everyday I find one more name to add to the list of people who piss me off.

Offline pancho

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #926 on: October 21, 2010, 11:26:54 am »
Reported  to be true--
Perth Uni. The lecturer says, right now, todays exam is very important for you people Please give your best. Mr. 20yr old smart-arse at the back says to the amusement of the whole class , Miss I am sexually exhausted from last night can I do this tomorrow? Lecturer in come-back of the year says
 'No I suggest you do the paper with your other hand!'
cheers pancho.
dont follow me i'm probably off line!

Offline VMX247

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #927 on: November 03, 2010, 07:27:40 pm »
Next time you think your hotel bill is too high, you might want to consider this:
My wife and I are traveling by car from Victoria to Prince George . Being Seniors, after almost eleven hours on the road, we were too tired to continue, and decided to take a room. But, we only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When we checked out four hours later, the desk clerk handed us a bill for $350.00.

I explode and demanded to know why the charge is so high. I told the clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00 for four hours.  Then the clerk tells me that $350.00 is the 'standard rate'. I insisted on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to me, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were available for us to use. 'But we didn't use them," I said, ''Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager.

He went on to explain that we could also have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from New York , Hollywood , and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.

"But we didn't go to any of those shows," I said. "Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, I  replied, "But we didn't use it!"

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually I gave up and agreed to pay.

I wrote a check and gave it to the Manager.

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir, this check is only made out for $50.00." ''That's correct. I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with my wife," I replied.

"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.

I said, "Well, too bad,  she was here, and you could have." 

Don't mess with Senior Citizens

Best is in the West !!

Offline DOK

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #928 on: November 04, 2010, 12:00:48 pm »
The Love Dress

A woman drops in to see her newly married daughter one afternoon and finds her laying back on the lounge completely naked.
Shocked, she asks what's going on.
Her daughter tells her whenever her husband works late she awaits him in her love dress and they make mad passionate love for hours.
Thanking her for the idea the woman heads home and prepares herself for the arrival of her husband.
Upon arrival the husband finds his wife reclined and naked on the lounge.
Shocked he asks whats going on.
She replies I am wearing my love dress .
to which he replies
well it needs ironing

TM BILL

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #929 on: November 04, 2010, 04:44:44 pm »
I went upto a fat chick down the pub , i said "do you have a pen " "yes " she replys  :)

So i said you better get back in it before the farmer notices your gone  :)