Funnies/Jokes

[EML]

Don't you mean hypo-tits, they're a bit saggy already

[090]

Don't you mean hypo-tits, they're a bit saggy already

What are you on about? Saggy ! As if you could afford to be that fussy. They would look great on my face! Oh yeah.

[Canam370]

What are you on about? Saggy ! As if you could afford to be that fussy. They would look great on my face! Oh yeah.
[/quote]



I believe they would be called jowls then Brad.

[jackiemac]

What are you on about? Saggy ! As if you could afford to be that fussy. They would look great on my face! Oh yeah.

I believe they would be called jowls then Brad.
[/quote]
  :'( :'( :'( :'( :

[TooFastTim]

While in China , a man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time he is there. A week after arriving back home in the Melbourne, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.
Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.
The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.
The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, 'I've got bad news for you, you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here, we know very little about it.'
The man looks a little perplexed and says, 'Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.' The doctor answers, 'I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis.'
The man screams in horror, 'Absolutely not! I want a second opinion.'
The doctor replies, 'Well, it's your choice. Go ahead, if you want but surgery is your only choice.'
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease.
The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, 'Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease.'
The guy says to the doctor, 'Yeah, yeah, I already know that but what can we do? My Australian doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!'
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs.
'Stupid Australian docttah, always want to opawate. Make more money dat way. No need to amputate!'
Oh, Thank God!' the man replies
'Yes,' says the Chinese doctor, 'wait two weeks. Faw off by itself!'

[Nathan S]

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Brit's, in the weeks that followed, an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York Times: "American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the British".
One week later, the state’s Dept of Minerals and Energy in Western Australia , reported the following:

"After digging as deep as 30 feet in Western Australia’s Pilbara region, Jack Lucknow, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found ‘absolutely **** all’. Jack has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Australia had already gone wireless."

[mx250]

Beer contains female hormones! Yes, that's right, FEMALE hormones!

Last month,  Sydney University and scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption.  The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.
 

To test the theory, 100 men each drank 8 schooners of beer within a one (1) hour period.


It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects, yes, 100% of all these men:-
 
1) Argued over nothing.

2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
 
3) Gained weight.

4) Talked excessively without making sense.
 
5) Became overly emotional

6) Couldn't drive.
 
7) Failed to think rationally, and
 
8 ) Had to sit down while urinating.

No further testing was considered necessary!!

You have been warned 
 

[mx250]

[TM BILL]

Q. What's a mixed feeling? 
   
   A. When you see your Mother-In-Law backing off a cliff in your new car.

   
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  Q What's the height of conceit?
   
   A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

   ~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~


   Q. What's the definition of 'Macho'? 
   
   A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.

   ~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~

  Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
   
   A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball

   ~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~

  Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex? 
   
   A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick!

   ~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~

  Q.Why is divorce so expensive?
   
   A. Because it's worth it!

   ~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~

  Q. What is a Yankee?
   
   A. The same as a quickie, but a Guy can do it alone.

   ~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~

  Q. What do Tupperware and a Walrus have in common? 
   
   A. They both like a tight seal.

   ~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~

  Q. What do a Christmas tree and a Priest have in common?
   
   A. Their balls are just for decoration.

   ~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~

  Q.What is the difference between 'ooooooh'and 'aaaaaaah'? 
   
   A. About three inches.

   ~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~

  Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
   
   A. The grip.

   ~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~

  Q. How do you find a Blind Man in a nudist colony? 
   
   A. It's not hard.

   ~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~

     
  Q: What's the difference between a Girlfriend and a Wife? 
   
   A: 45 pounds.

   ~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~


   Q: What's the difference between a Boyfriend and a Husband?
   
   A: 45 minutes.

   ~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~

  Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? 
   
   A: Breasts don't have eyes.

   ~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~

     

   Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
   
   A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.
  ~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~


   Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning? 
  A . They don't have balls to scratch!
  ~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~
 
   

[TM BILL]

A policeman in Adelaide pulled over a driver who had been weaving in and out of the traffic.

He approached the car window and said "Sir I need you to blow into this breathalyzer".

The man reaches into his pocket and produces a doctor's note.

On it was written:
 

"This man suffers from chronic asthma.
Do not make him perform any action that may leave him short of breath".

The policeman said "Okay then I need you to come and give a blood sample"

The man produced another letter.

This one said:

”This man is a hemophiliac.
Please do not cause him to bleed in any way".

So the officer said: "Right, I need a urine sample then".

The man produces a third letter from his pocket.

It read:

"This man plays cricket for Australia; please don't take the piss out of him"
 

 
 

[Captain Bilko]

   ~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~

   Q. What's the definition of 'Macho'? 
   
   A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.

   ~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~

There's an old school motocrosser off of this forum who rode his 'pushy' home after having his and then played raquetball that night.....

[090]

This was sent to the usual suspects but I liked it that much I thought I'd share it with a wider audience!

A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to re-frame or reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect, sometimes  producing an anticlimax.



Ø   I asked God for a bike, but I know God  doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Ø    Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

Ø    I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather; not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

Ø    The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
 
Ø    Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear  bright until you hear them speak.
 
Ø    If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
 
Ø    We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
   
Ø    A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a  train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
 
Ø    Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the  street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are  sexy.
 
Ø    A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

[shorelinemc]

3 blokes where walking down the road when the see a sheep stuck head 1st in a fence,the australian says i wish that was elle macphearson,the pommie says i wish that was kate moss,the kiwi says i wish it was dark

[asasin]

From a dirt bike add circa 77
 SPEED KILLS ! ride a Yamaha

[bigk]

Love this one...
A man was driving around the backwoods in USA somewhere when he saw a sign on a fence which said talking dog for sale. Intrigued he stopped to inquire. " You have a talking dog for sale?" "Yes, he's out the back." was the reply. Sure enough out the back was a golden labrador retriever. "Can you talk?" "Yep." was the reply. "So what's your story then?" "Well I learnt I could talk at a fairly young age and got a job with the CIA. I actually became their number 1 spy, travelling the world, sitting in with the Germans, Russians, etc as no-one ever suspected a dog of evesdropping. The travelling started to ge me down so I got a job at the airport. Not only could I sniff the drugs, but could listen in as well. Made some really good busts back then. After that I got married, had a mess of puppies and now I'm retired."
Impressed the man asked the dogs owner how much? "Ten dollars." "Ten dollars, that dog is amazing, why so cheap?"
"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit!"
Cheers,
K