Funnies/Jokes

[gorby]

A Kiwi Muslim was caught having sex with a sheep today.
 
He said it was islamb and he could do what he wanted with it.
                                                           

[matcho mick]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ly4m-o9wUIg&feature=youtu.be

[Nathan S]

The other night, my mate picked up this super-hot chick. I saw him today, and asked how it all went.
He told me that he went home with her, and ended up having sex with the chick and her twin.
I was impressed, but wanted to know how he could tell them apart.
He told me that her brother has a moustache.

[Gippslander]

Five surgeons are discussing who were the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, 'I like to see Accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'

The second responds, 'Yeah, but you should try Electricians! Everything inside them is colour-coded.'

The third surgeon says, 'No, I really think Librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'

The fourth surgeon chimes in, 'You know I like Mechanics. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end.'

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine, and there are only two moving parts - the mouth and the arsehole - and they are interchangeable'.

[FAT-TOY]

 WINDOWS versus FORD
For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If Ford had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon." In response to Bill's comments, Ford issued a press release stating: If Ford had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part): 1) For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash.......twice a day. 2) Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3) Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4) Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5) Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.
6) The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed an Illegal Operation" warning light. I love the next one!!! 7) The airbag system would ask, "Are you sure?" before deploying. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna. 9) Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
10) You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off. PS - I'd like to add that when all else fails, you could call "customer service" in some foreign country and be instructed in some foreign language how to fix your car yourself!!!!

[Stewart Allen]

Suicide or Murder? You Be The Judge!

     
A tough looking group of bikers were out riding when they saw a woman about to
jump off a bridge,......... so they stopped and parked their Harley s.

Their leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you
doing?"

"I'm going to commit suicide," she  says.

While he didn't want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an
opportunity either, so he asked her...  "Well, before you jump, why don't
you give me a kiss?"

So she does...And it was a long, deep, lingering, spine-tingling kiss.

After she's finished, the biker leader says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I've ever had!

That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous.  Why in the world would you want to commit suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl........".

The authorities think she may have been pushed

 

[Stewart Allen]

We Aussie blokes are so good to women!!!


 
My wife and I walked past a swanky new restaurant last night.


"Did you smell that food, it smelt incredible?" she said.

 

Being the nice fellow I am, I thought:

 

"Bugger it, I'll treat her!"


So we walked past it again.

[VMX247]

Two businessmen in the centre of Sydney were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new shop...

As  yet, the shop wasn't ready,
With only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other,
"I bet any minute now some pensioner
Is going to walk by,
Put their face to the window,
And ask what we're selling."

No sooner were the words out of his mouth
When, sure enough,
A curious old woman walked to the window,
Had a peek,
And in a soft voice asked, 

"What are you selling here?"
One of the men replied sarcastically,
"We're selling  ass-holes."
Without  skipping a beat, the old dear said,
Must be doing well...
Only two left."
 

[FAT-TOY]

Some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years.

A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many beers and some rather nice red wine.

Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before: I took a bus home.

Sure enough I passed a police road block but as it was a bus, they waved it past.

I arrived home safely & without incident, which was a real surprise; as I have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got it.

[Pommie Barstad]

6 Lessons with great morals

Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing her shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.
Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'
'It was Bob from next door’ she replies.
'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.


Lesson 2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her habit to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After regaining control of the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest removed his hand, but after changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek; further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:

If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.


Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and their manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin. clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'
Puff! He's gone.
'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'First, I want three more wishes, and for the first of those wishes, I want those two back in the office after lunch.'

Moral of the story:

Always let your boss have the first say.


Lesson 4

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.


Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull.
'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:

Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.


Lesson 6:

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:

(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy;
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of the shit is your friend; and
(3) When you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut.

THUS ENDS THE FIVE-MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

[matcho mick]

A man had just Boarded and settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his Black Labrador in the middle seat next to the man.

The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane.

The second man explained that he was from the Police Drugs Enforcement Agency and that the dog
was a 'sniffing dog'.

'His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is.
I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.'

The plane took off, and once it has leveled out, the Policeman said, 'Watch  this.'

He told Sniffer to 'search'.

Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several
seconds.

Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the  policeman's arm.

The Policeman said, 'Good boy', and he turned to the man
and said, 'That woman is in possession of marijuana, I'm making a note of her
seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.

'Gee, that's pretty good,' replied the first man.

Once again, the Policeman sent Sniffer to search the aisles.

The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws
on the agent's arm.

The Policeman said, 'Two paws mean that man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the
police.'

'I like it!' said his seat mate.

The Policeman then told Sniffer to 'search' again.

Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a
little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent,
jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to shit all over the place.

The first man was really disgusted by this behaviour and
couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that.

So he asked the Policeman, 'What's going  on?'

The Policeman nervously replied, 'He's just found a bomb.'

 
 
 
 
 
 

 

 

 
 
 
 

[matcho mick]

oldie,but a goodie 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D_Q-fWZpkgs&feature=related

[TM BILL]

Son said to Dad “I'm Gay” Dad looks at his other son and said “What about you” .…  other son said “Yep, me too Dad”. Dad said Fu*k me doesn't any of my kids like screwin' sheilas? The Daughter said “Yeah,  I do Dad”


10 Catholic Priests were killed in a road accident. At the Pearly Gates St Peter says “ If any of you are Paedophiles you can fu*k off down to Hell” 9 of them start to walk away when St Peter calls out “And take this deaf bastard with you”



In the Pub the other day I said to my mates  “what do you do if you see an epileptic having a fit in the bath” ? They all shrugged their shoulders and passed. I said ….. “Throw your washing in”. We were all having a bloody good laugh …. Nek Minit,  this big bastard tapped me on the shoulder and said “ I don’t find that very funny, my brother was an epileptic and he died in the bath during one of his fit's”    I said “ Geeeeez, sorry mate,  did he drown ? ”  No the big bastard says......... “ he choked on a sock “


The wife said to me last night ……..  “If you turn the bedside lamp off,  I'll take it up the arse for you……….. Maybe I should have waited for the bulb to cool down first.




My mate reckons he always cries after sex. Mind you. He is in Prison.



The wife came out of the bathroom and said “I have just shaved my pussy and you know what that means don't you” I said “Yeah the bloody plug hole is blocked again”



Nearly shagged a Ladyboy last night. Picked him up in a night club. He Looked like a woman. Smelled like a woman. Danced like a woman. Even kissed like a woman, but as we arrived back at his apartment he reversed his car into a tight parking slot in one fluid movement. That's when I thought “F**kin hang about !!!!”



I saw my mate Charlie this morning, he's only got one arm,  bless him. I said ….. “ Hiya Charlie …… Where are you off to”  he said “I'm off to change a light bulb” Well  I just cracked up, couldn't stop laughing. I said” That's gonna be a bit awkward isn’t it?”
“Not really” He said.” I’ve  still got the receipt …….you insensitive bastard”

[Stewart Allen]

Aptitude Test

A TRUE STORY..........
Jennifer, a manager at a local Aldi store, had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening.

After sorting through a stack of resumes she found four people who were equally qualified.

Jennifer decided to call the four in and ask them only one question.

Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, Jennifer asked,
'What is the fastest thing you know of?

'The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT.' It just pops into your head. There's no warning.

'That's very good!' replied Jennifer. 'And, now you sir?', she asked the second man.

'Hmmm...let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened.

A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.

''Excellent!' said Jennifer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliché for speed. 'She then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.

'Well, out at my dad's property, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. 'Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of'

Jennifer was very impressed with the third answer and thought she had found her man. 'It 's hard to beat the speed of light,'she said.
Turning to Wally, the fourth and final man, Jennifer posed the same question.

Old Wally replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is Diarrhoea.

''EXCUSE ME!?' said Jennifer, stunned by the response.

'Oh sure', said Wally. 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already shit myself.

'Wally is now working at a Aldi near you!

[FAT-TOY]

The kids filed back into class Monday morning.
They were very excited.
Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.
Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly. "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."
"Very good," said the teacher.
Little Mary was next: "I sold magazines," she said. "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events.”
"Very good, Mary" said the teacher.
Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn.
The teacher held her breath. Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said.
"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"
"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.
"Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"
"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny
"I set up a Dip & Chip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample. They all said the same thing. Hey, this tastes like dog shit!"
Then I would say, “It is dog shit. Want to' buy a toothbrush?".
"I used the Tony Abbott approach of giving you something shitty for free, and then making you pay to get the taste out of your mouth."