Funnies/Jokes

[vandy010]

a Hypnotist on stage infront of a crowd of 200 people garunteed them his skill was so grand he could hypnotize them all at once.
much to the disbelief of the crowd, he proceeded to pull a watch from his hip pocket that dangled from a lovely gold chain,
he swung the watch back and forth in a steady calming rythm and repeated the words,
"you are getting sleeepy"
"you will do exactly as i say"
"you are getting sleeepy"
"you will do exactly as i say"
"you are getting sleeepy"
"you will do exactly as i say"
after a few moments the whole of the crowd were swaying to the same rythm of the watch in a hypnotic trance when all of a sudden!
the lovely gold chain broke!
and the Hypnotist yelled,
OH SHIT!
 
needless to say he had one hell of a mess to clean up

[pancho]

 A couple at the local dance, dancing 'in the old fashioned way' snuggled up cheek to cheek.
 She says, 'I want to go out to the car.'
 They leave the hall foyer and are walking inthe pitch black of night towards the car and he produces a torch to light the way.
 She says, 'where did you get the torch'
 He answered 'it was in my pocket'
 'She says lets go back inside.'


 cheers

[EML]

Is that from personal experience there Pancho?

[VMX247]

ONLY IN Qld    --- GO THE RAT 

It is enough to make any bread-lover's stomach churn.
While unpacking the groceries with a friend on Sunday, a Townsville woman noticed a suspicious-looking hole in a loaf of Helga's bread she had bought.

"I said to my friend, this bread's got a hole in it, it looks like a rat's eaten into it," the woman, who asked not to be identified, said.

The rat had done more than chew through the packaging; when she lifted the bag out she found the rat alive and nestled inside the loaf.

"The thought of a live rat in my loaf of bread and so close to me was pretty gruesome," she said.

"I didn't want to vomit, I just wanted to throw it away, I got all squeamish."

The woman said she took the bread, and rat, back to the local Coles supermarket where she had bought it but was not satisfied with the management's response.

"They said 'that's not our house bread so we wouldn't be responsible for that'," she said.

"They didn't apologise, they didn't say they were sorry about it, all the manager said was that he didn't know how to handle the situation."

She said she was not seeking compensation and had declined the manager's offer of a store credit.

A Coles spokesman said the incident was "obviously concerning" and an internal investigation was underway, but it appeared the contamination occurred during transit.

"It is certainly unfortunate but we are confident it is an isolated incident."

The woman also reported the incident to the Townsville City Council, which investigated the complaint but found the supermarket met all the relevant health requirements.

A spokesman for Goodman Fielder, which owns Helga's, said he was confident the rat did not enter the package at the company's bakery.

"It obviously didn't happen during the baking, slicing or packing process," he said.  No shit sherlock 

"If it has happened, it must have happened at some point in the supply chain and we have no control over that."

Blame the truck driver     

http://www.abc.net.au/news/2011-08-04/live-rat-found-in-bread/2824624

[matcho mick]

http://www.imdb.com/video/wab/vi2435187481

[Taka 100]

an couple sitting on the lounge (the woman is knitting) , the man with the remote (as usual) flicking between the porn and fishing chanels , after a while the woman looks at the man and say's you might as well leave it on the porn chanel you already know how to fish  ..... !!!!!!!!

[TooFastTim]

A prostitute, who was also a Cricket fan, had a tattoo of Brett Lee and Shane Warne on the inside of her thighs. She says to one of her customers, a regular, "If you can guess who they are, you get a free shag". He looks to the left and then to the right and says "I dunno who those ugly bastards are but the one in the middle with the fat lips and curly hair is Andrew Symonds!”

[mx250]

I hope none are too close to the truth . Have a great day

[mx250]

CHEWING GUM!

An Australian man was having a coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him.

The Australian politely ignored the American, who, nevertheless started up a conversation.

The American snapped his gum and said, 'You Australian folk eat the whole bread?'

The Australian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, 'of course.'

The American blew a huge bubble. 'We don't. In the States, we only eat what's inside. ?The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to Australia .'

The American had a smirk on his face. The Australian listened in silence.

The American persisted, 'D'ya eat jam with your bread?' Sighing, the Australian replied, 'of course.'

Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said, 'we don't. In the States, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds and the leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell it to Australia .

The Australian then asked, 'Do you have sex in the States?'

The American smiled and said 'Why of course we do.' The Australian leaned closer to him and asked, 'And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?'

'We throw them away, of course!'

Now it was the Australians turn to smile. 'We don't. In Australia , we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to the United States. Why do you think it's called Wrigley's?'?

[TM BILL]

Couple walking home after a night out , girls gets caught short and says im nipping behind this hedge for a piss. While shes gone ole mate feels a bit horny and reaches under the hedge for a quick grope. To his supprise he feels somthing dangling down , so says darling have you changed sex ? no she replies iv'e changed my mind , im having a shit 

[FAT-TOY]

 There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls.  We've all heard about people having Guts or Balls. But do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning  or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the Balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically speaking there is No difference in the outcome.

Both result in death.

[FAT-TOY]

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny,  silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
 
 
The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'
 
 
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old  lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a  button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a  small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
 
 
 
They continued to watch until it reached the last number… and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.
 
 
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son.....
'Go get your Mother'
 
 
 

[mx250]

[pancho]

 Did you hear about the canibal wedding ?
 





   They toasted the bride and groom!

 cheers pancho

[mx250]

Parent of the Year Award goes to....
Sets good example by always wearing a helmet, covers his brakes through an intersection, gives a lift to his neighbours willingly and always has eye protection for his children .