Author Topic: Funnies/Jokes  (Read 662728 times)

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Offline OverTheHill

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #2040 on: November 15, 2013, 09:22:02 am »
second one works!!

Offline Nathan S

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The good thing about telling the truth is that you don't have to remember what you said.

Offline matcho mick

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #2042 on: November 17, 2013, 07:55:30 pm »
 


 

 

 

 

Teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?"
 
Little Johnny says: "I wanna be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs,
Find me the finest bitch, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an
apartment in Monte Carlo, a mansion on the beach , a jet to travel throughout Europe ,
and an Infinite Visa Card, while banging her three times a day".
 
The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with this horrible response
from little Johnny, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries
to continue with the lesson . . . .
 
"And how about you, Sarah?"
 
 
"I thought I wanted to be a nurse.  But, fork that.  I want to be Johnny's bitch."

 
 
 
 

 

 
 
 
 
 
 

 

 
 



 
 
 
work,the curse of the racing class!!
if a hammer dosn't fix it,you have a electrical problem!!

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #2043 on: November 18, 2013, 06:25:50 am »
After shagging Kylie Minogue yesterday I think there are two things you all need to know. Firstly, she really is as sexy as hell - secondly the staff at Madam Tussauds are miserable bastards with no sense of humour!!
 
Said to my mate today "Why you looking so happy?" He said " The missus had one of those procedures done at hospital today that would put a smile on the face of any bloke." I said " What, a breast enlargement?" He replied " No - a post mortem!"
 
Took the missus to a disco last night. There was a bloke on the dance floor giving it large, breakdancing, backflips, moonwalking, the works. The missus said" That guy proposed to me 20 years ago and I turned him down." I replied " Looks like he is still celebrating"
 
Now on sale at IKEA - lesbian beds, no nuts or screwing involved, it's all tongue and groove...
 
I got a letter from Screw Fix Direct thanking me for my interest, but explaining they were not a dating agency...
 
Paddy thought his new girlfriend might be the one but, after looking through her knickers drawer and finding a nurse's outfit, a French maids outfit, and a police woman's uniform, he finally decided if she can't hold down a job, she's not for him!
 
I got sacked from my job as a bingo caller the other day. Apparently, 'A meal for two with a terrible view' isn't the best way to announce number 69.
 
Paddy is doing some roofing work for Murphy. He nears the top of the ladder and starts shaking and going dizzy. He calls down to Murphy and says "I tink I will ave to go home, I've come all over giddy and feel sick." Murphy asks "’Ave yer got vertigo?" Paddy replies "No I only live round the corner."
 
After 100 years lying on the sea bed, Irish divers were amazed to find that the Titanic's swimming pool was still full.

 
 

Offline HVA61

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #2044 on: November 21, 2013, 09:28:02 am »
One for all the salesmen in the World
 
WHEN I SAY I'M BROKE - I'M BROKE!
  A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying A vacuum cleaner.
'Good morning,' said the young man.
'If I could take a couple minutes of your time,
I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.
''Go away!'' said the old lady. ''I'm broke and haven't got any money!'' and she proceeded to close the door.
  Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open...
''Don't be too hasty!'' he said. ''Not until you have at least seen my   demonstration.'' And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. Now if this vacuum cleaner does not remove
all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally   eat the remainder."
The old lady stepped back and said, "Well let me get you a fork, 'cause they   cut off my electricity this morning."
 
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Offline GMC

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #2045 on: November 25, 2013, 11:52:58 pm »
The Wooden Ball

An old man walks into the barbershop for a shave and a haircut, but he tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.

The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

When he's finished, the old man tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he's had in years.


But he wanted to know what would have happened if he had swallowed that little ball.


The barber replied,         

"Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does".

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Offline GMC

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #2046 on: November 25, 2013, 11:54:57 pm »
An elderly man in Queensland owned a large property. He had a dam in one of the lower paddocks where he had planted mango and avocado trees.

The dam had been fixed up for swimming when it was built and he also had some picnic tables placed there in the shade of the fruit trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the dam to look it over, as he hadn't been there for a while.

He grabbed a ten litre bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the dam, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his dam.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, ‘We're not coming out until you leave!’

The old man frowned, ‘I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the dam naked.’

 
Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the crocodile.'


Moral: Old men may walk slowly, but they can still think fast.

G.M.C.  Bringing the past into the future

Shock horror, its here at last...
www.geoffmorrisconcepts.com

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Offline matcho mick

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #2047 on: November 26, 2013, 07:03:31 pm »
 
 
 
 
 
Crows
   
 Another Government study provides outstanding results .. .

CSIRO Officials admitted that they found about 200 dead crows on the highway between Noonamah and Palmerston, in Northern Territory, where there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.

The Territory Government approved and the CSIRO contracted a bird pathologist to examine the remains of all the crows and he confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu, much to everyone’s relief.

However, he determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, and only 2% were killed by car impact.
 (Didn't know there was a difference!)

The Territory Government then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine the disproportionate percentages for truck versus car kills.
 
After 18 months of research and $27 million spent, the Ornithological Behaviourist determined the cause in the deaths.
 
When crows eat road kill, they always set-up a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.

     

 
His conclusion was that the lookout crow could say “Cah”, but he could not say “Truck”.

I just wanted to make sure that you knew your tax money was being well spent . . .
 
 
 
 

work,the curse of the racing class!!
if a hammer dosn't fix it,you have a electrical problem!!

TM BILL

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #2048 on: December 06, 2013, 01:46:58 pm »
With Xmas upon us I would like to share a personal experience with my friends about drinking and driving.

As you may know some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with friends. Well two days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several cocktails followed by some rather nice red wine.

Feeling jolly I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit. That's when I did something that I've never done before - I took a taxi home.

Sure enough on the way home there were police roadside checking drivers, but since it was a cab they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident.

This was a real surprise, as I had never driven a taxi before, to this day I don't know where I got it, and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it.

But SERIOUSLY PLEASE DON'T DRINK AND DRIVE  :)

Offline shelpi

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #2049 on: December 08, 2013, 01:32:58 pm »
onya Bill ;) would luv to catch up and get a few cleansing Ales in us, then it will be my turn to grab a taxi  ;D cheers mate

Offline pancho

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #2050 on: December 09, 2013, 04:08:37 pm »
dont follow me i'm probably off line!

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #2051 on: December 09, 2013, 06:11:50 pm »
Thats funny  ;D  ;D ;D

Offline kdx Geoff

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #2052 on: December 12, 2013, 02:55:30 pm »

Subject: Life Explained

  On the first day, God created the dog and said, sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this I will give you a life span of twenty years.

The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?" And God said that it was good..

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did? And God again said that it was good.

On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?" And God agreed it was good.

On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life.. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?" "Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.
 
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Offline firko

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #2053 on: December 18, 2013, 11:24:02 am »
 China-Fake Viagra, fake iPads, fake perfume ,fake trainers, fake handbags, fake watches, fake DVDs...
 But their recent moon landing was real right?
=========================================
How come the Starship Enterprise can travel to far off distant galaxies and everyone they meet has a good command of the English language.
 And I can't even go down the end of my road..
==================================
How do you turn a dishwasher into a snowblower?
 Buy her a snowblower.
=================================
Rowan Atkinson's next film role is to play a comical character who is unable to satisfy his wife.
 Missed her bean.
====================
Settled down to watch Obama at the Mandela gig with my deaf wife the other day.
 Apparently, Space Shuttle Atlantis is due to have a baby next buffalo.
===============================
I saw a prostitute dressed in a sexy Santa outfit when I was in London.
 She was a Soho hoe.
==========================
If Santa's helper takes a picture in the mirror, is that an elfie?
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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #2054 on: January 09, 2014, 03:37:27 pm »