Author Topic: Funnies/Jokes  (Read 653482 times)

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Offline vmx42

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #1620 on: June 28, 2012, 08:37:10 am »
But my uncle doesn't have a horse?
When a woman says "What?", it's not because she didn't hear you, she's giving you the chance to chance to change what you said.

Beam me up Scotty, no intelligent life down here…

"everyone is entitled to their own opinion, but not to their own facts"

TM BILL

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #1621 on: June 28, 2012, 09:25:55 am »
Subject: FW: forgotten art of capital letters

From a teacher: 

In the world of hi-tech gadgetry, I've noticed that more and more people who send text messages and emails have long forgotten the art of capital letters.

For those of you who fall into this category, please take note of the following statement:
"Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse."

Is everybody clear on that?

 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

Offline matcho mick

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #1622 on: June 28, 2012, 07:07:21 pm »
   

A old stationhand named Billy was overseeing his herd in a remote pasture in the outback when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust. 

         
The driver, a young man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the old man, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"



Billy looks at the young man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"


The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3® cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.           


The yuppie then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany ....           


Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL® database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry® and, after a few minutes, receives a response.       

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to Billy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."         


  "That's right. Well, you'll be helpin yourself to one of me calves, then, since you won it fair en square." says Billy.       

He watches the smartly dressed yuppie select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the man gingerly picks it up & stuffs it into the boot of his car.           

                  As the yuppie is carefully brushing the dust & hair off his suit, Billy says, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what work you do & where you come from, will you give me back my calf?"         

The yuppie thinks about it for a second, wonderingwhat  this wrinkled up dirt encrusted uneducated old man could possibly know?    He grins and then says, "Okay, old fella, why not? I'm a believer in fair play."

 "You're a politician  & you work in Canberra." says the old timer.             

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but, tell me how on earth did you guess that?"           

 "No guessing required." answered Billy "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter.  This is a herd of sheep.

Now give me back my dog."
 

 

work,the curse of the racing class!!
if a hammer dosn't fix it,you have a electrical problem!!

Offline FAT-TOY

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #1623 on: June 28, 2012, 07:36:24 pm »
  When I was a boy, my mum would send me down to the corner shop with $2 and I'd come back with about 5 bags of potatoes, 2 loaves of bread, 3 bottles of milk, a hunk of cheese, a box of tea and 6 eggs.
  You can't do that today.

  Too many f*#kin security cameras. 
Everyday I find one more name to add to the list of people who piss me off.

Offline pancho

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #1624 on: June 29, 2012, 05:27:48 pm »
 The difference between Grandmas and Grandpas
 A 5 year old grandaughter is usually taken to school each day by Grandpa, however Grandpa had a cold so the trip was done with Granma.
 That night she told her parents that the trip with granny was very different.
What made it different? asked the parents.
Gran and I didn't see a single tosser, blind ba**ard, dickhead, Asian pr*ck, or w*nker anywhere on the way to school!
dont follow me i'm probably off line!

Offline Rosco

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #1625 on: July 03, 2012, 04:37:33 pm »
[
While creating wives, the Lord promised men that
good and obedient wives would be found in all
corners of the world.
 
And then He made the earth round.
 

Offline DJVGXL

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #1626 on: July 03, 2012, 07:31:25 pm »
A strange new trend is starting to happen at the office.
People are putting names on food in the company fridge.
Today i had a nice tuna and salad sandwich named Kevin

Offline Rosco

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #1627 on: July 04, 2012, 07:03:49 am »
 
 

Bar Etiquette
 
 I was standing in a bar and this little Chinese guy comes in and stands next to me. After a few minutes, I said to him." Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Karate, or Ju-Jitsu?"
 
He says "No, why the fock you ask me dat?... Is coz I look Chinee"?
 
No, I said. "It's because you're drinking my beer, you slant eyed little cocksucker!"


Offline TooFastTim

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #1628 on: July 05, 2012, 01:00:31 pm »
Not really a joke but a bloody good laugh. From another website:

I'm sure I've shared this experience her before but I had a similar experience at Millers Point in CT. Fortunately it was not my car  I went diving with a buddy and we used his Nissan d/cab. He had left his sunroof open and a packet of oranges on the front seat. Whilst we were diving the baboons squeezed through the sunroof and started scoffing the fruit. That was until they spotted the plastic snake suspended from his rear view mirror. They shat the the entire cab apart and in their desperate struggle to escape they smeared their shit all over the interior of the bakkie. There were paw marks of baboon shit smeared over every window and the windscreen, in the air vents and of course in the seat material. The roof lining was torn and it was a mess but they managed to escape!! I suppose it was pay back from when we were kids.As youngsters we'd take a brown paper bag with some fruit in it and eat it in front of the baboons. In the bottom of the bag was plastic snake  We'd then discard the bag near the baboon and then wait for one of them (they are VERY curious) to open the bag. The reaction was pants wetting funny. Some would scream and run, others would "drop dead". They are brilliant actors and they would feint or at least fake it by falling on their backs, not even twitching a muscle. Then slowly they would open an eye, then two and turn their heads slowly before taking off and shouting and barking from a safe distance.

My brother was living in Scarborough, also a a favourite hangout for baboons. He had a guava tree and that fruit is irresistible to baboons. They even chanced his two German Shepard dogs to raid the tree. One day he heard the dogs going crazy and as he ran outside he saw a baboon taking off down the drive way. Never one to miss an opportunity my boet picked up half a brick and hurled it at the baboon who very skilfully ducked and my brother watched the brick travel (in slow motion) before smashing through the back window of his then new Golf VR6

Glossary: Boet - brother. Bakkie - Ute. CT - Cape Town

Offline gt96

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #1629 on: July 07, 2012, 01:39:39 pm »
Tequila

A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"

"Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus."

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the three tests?"

"You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules."

So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into the jar.

"Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do:

First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can't make a face while doing it."

"Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands."

"Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You have to take care of that problem."

The man is stunned! "I know I paid my $10 -- but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!"

"Your call," says the bartender, "but, your money stays where it is."

As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says, "Where's the damn tequila?!"

He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks -- but he doesn't make a face -- and he drinks it in 58 seconds!
 
Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight -- then nothing but silence!

Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar. His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body. He drunkenly says, "Now..., where's that old woman with the bad tooth?"


TM BILL

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #1630 on: July 08, 2012, 11:48:07 am »

As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Traffic Wardens funeral, a voice from inside screams

“I’m not dead, I’m not dead. Let me out!”

The Vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters

“Too bloody late pal, I’ve already done the paperwork”



 
Royals

When she married Charlie Boy ,Camilla, the Duchess of Cornwall bought
new shoes for her wedding.
During the big day they became increasingly tighter and tighter as the day
went on.

That night, when the festivities were finally over and they retired to
their room, she flopped on the bed and said, "Charles, darling, please
remove my shoes, my feet are killing me..!"

Her ever-obedient Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigour, but
it would not budge.

"Harder!" yelled Camilla, "Harder".

Charles yelled back: "I'm trying, darling! But it's just so bloody
tight!"

"Come on! Give it all you've got!" she cried.

Finally, when it released, Charles let out a big groan and Camilla
exclaimed, "There! Oh, God, that feels so good!"

In their bedroom next door, the Queen said to Prince Phillip, "See! I
told you with a face like that, she had to be a virgin!"

Meanwhile, as Charles tried to remove her left shoe, he cried, "Oh, God,
darling! This one's even tighter!"

At which Prince Phillip said to the Queen, "That's my boy! He served in
the Navy: once a Rear Admiral, always a Rear Admiral!"

 
« Last Edit: July 09, 2012, 06:49:54 am by TM bill »

Offline matcho mick

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #1631 on: July 08, 2012, 11:41:28 pm »

 

Police raid in Mt. Druitt …..

 

Following a raid in Mt. Druitt, Police have confirmed seizure of the following:

 

·                   an arms cache of 20 semi auto rifles; 250,000 rounds of ammunition; 2 anti-tank guns & 400 grenades;

·                   2 tonnes of  heroin;

·                   $50 million in forged bank notes;

·                   100 gold ingots;

·                   a number of stolen vehicles, including a Ferrari & a Lamborghini; &

·                   5 working Filipino prostitutes

 

Police said the find was located in a housing commission house behind the public library in Mt. Druitt. 

 

Local residents were stunned. 

 

A residents’ spokesperson said: “We’re shocked. We never knew we had a fugging library.”

 




 

 
work,the curse of the racing class!!
if a hammer dosn't fix it,you have a electrical problem!!

TM BILL

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #1632 on: July 09, 2012, 06:40:50 am »

> *Learn Chinese in 5 minutes (You MUST read them aloud)

        English -                                                                       Chinese**

> That's not right!                                                               Sum Ting Wong**
>
> Are you harbouring a fugitive?                                           Hu Yu Hai Ding* *
>
> See me ASAP                                                                     Kum Hia Nao* *
>
> Stupid Man                                                                        Dum Fuk* *
>
> Small Horse                                                                       Tai Ni Po Ni*

> *Did you go to the beach?                                                  Wai Yu So Tan**
>
> I bumped into a coffee table!                                              Ai Bang Mai Fu Kin Ni* *
>
> I think you need a face lift!                                                 Chin Tu Fat* *

It's very dark in here!                                                            Wai So Dim**
>
> I thought you were on a diet!                                                 Wai Yu Mun Ching* *
>
> This is a tow away zone!                                                       No Pah King***
> **
> *Our meeting is scheduled for next week!                             Wai Yu Kum Nao*

> *Staying out of sight                                                               Lei Ying Lo**
>
> He's cleaning his automobile                                                   Wa Shing Ka* *
>
> Your body odour is offensive                                                  Yu Stin Ki Pu* *
>
> Great                                                                                    Fa Kin Su Pa* *
>
« Last Edit: July 09, 2012, 06:48:04 am by TM bill »

TM BILL

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #1633 on: July 09, 2012, 06:51:25 am »


Murphy, a furniture dealer from Dublin, decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find.

 
After arriving in Paris, he visited with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine. As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.
 
Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table; asked him something in French (which Murphy couldn't understand); so he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down. He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language. After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her.
 
After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded.
They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner..... after which he took another  napkin and drew a picture  of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.
 
Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.
 
To this day, Murphy has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.




Offline gt96

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #1634 on: July 09, 2012, 08:26:29 am »

SO, A PIRATE WALKED INTO A BAR …


A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."

"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."

"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a Cannon ball, but I'm fine now."

The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook?

What happened to your hand?"

The pirate explained, "We were in another battle.  I boarded a ship and Got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook.
But I'm fine, really."

"What about that eye patch?"

"Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over.  I looked up, and one of them shit in my eye."


"You're kidding," said the bartender.
"You couldn't lose an eye just from bird shit."


"It was my first day with the hook."