Author Topic: Funnies/Jokes  (Read 349779 times)

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mx250

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Funnies/Jokes
« on: April 30, 2008, 09:26:30 AM »
......how about having a dedicated Funnies section. And by Funnies I don't mean VMX specific funnies but funnies in general.

I come a cross a few from time to time. Sometimes I post in General but I don't want to overload the system or post to an inappropriate scetion.


Offline Wombat

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #1 on: May 01, 2008, 07:44:10 PM »
Like this?

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk.  I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger.  'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles.

'OK, ' she said.  'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass -  Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'

The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'

To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?
"Whadaya mean it's too loud?! It's a f*ckin' race bike!! That pipe makes it go louder - and look faster!!"

Offline pokey

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #2 on: May 01, 2008, 08:40:16 PM »
Maybe a dedicated thread for funnies boys?




A young girl is sitting in a barber shop with her mother, eating a Twinkie, and anxiously awaiting her first hair cut. When her turn comes, she brings her Twinkie with her to the chair, and the barber covers her. Soon, she pulls the Twinkie out for a bite.

?Careful.. you will get hair on your Twinkie," the barber playfully warns.

"Yes, I know," replies the girl. "And I'm getting boobs, too."

mx250

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #3 on: May 02, 2008, 11:34:22 AM »
----- Helen Clarke, Prime Minister of New Zulland, is rudely awoken at 4 am by the telephone.
'Hillen, its the Hilth Munister here.  Sorry to bother you at this hour but there is an emergency!   I've just received word thet the Durex fectory en Auckland has burned to the ground..  It is istimated the the entire New Zulland supply of condoms will be gone by the ind of the week.!!!'

PM: 'Shut - the economy wull niver be able to cope with all those unwanted babies - wi'll be ruined!'

Hilth Munister: 'We're going to hef to shup some in from...  Brutain?...'
 
PM: 'No chence!!    The Poms will have a field day on thus one!'
Hilth Munister: 'What about Australia?'
 
PM: 'I'll call Kevin Rudd - tell hum we need one million condoms; ten unches long and eight unches thuck! That way they'll continue to respect the All Blacks!!'   
 
Three days later a delighted Hillen rushes out to open the boxes.   She finds condoms; 10 unches long; 8 unches thuck, all coloured green and gold. With small writing on each one.........
 



'MADE IN AUSTRALIA - SIZE: MEDIUM'
 
 
Ozzie Ozzie Ozzie .... Oy Oy Oy     

mx250

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #4 on: May 02, 2008, 09:58:16 PM »
Oh Dear  ;D

<embed width="448" height="361" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" src="http://i96.photobucket.com/player.swf?file=http://vid96.photobucket.com/albums/l187/mx250a/wife_s_school.flv">
« Last Edit: May 02, 2008, 10:00:29 PM by mx250 »

Quicksilver

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #5 on: May 05, 2008, 01:20:29 PM »
Next time your having a bad day consider this.

Imagine if you if were a siamese twin. Your brother attached to your shoulder is gay, you're not. He has a date coming over tonight. You only have one arse!!  :o :o
« Last Edit: May 05, 2008, 01:39:51 PM by Quicksilver »

YSS

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #6 on: May 05, 2008, 02:01:24 PM »
Please keep us posted of the outcome . Thats one fine piece of R+D by the sounds . ;D ;D

Offline Freakshow

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #7 on: May 07, 2008, 07:46:01 PM »
HOW TO SPEAK NEW ZEALANDER, FOR BIST EFICT, RID THESE OUT ALOUD!

Should help translating bill and Dj

Milburn - capital of Victoria
Peck - to fill a suitcase
Pissed aside - chemical which kills insects
Pigs - for hanging out washing with
Pump - to act as agent for prostitute
Pug - large animal with a curly tail
Nin tin dough - computer game
Munner stroney - soup
Min - male of the species
Mess Kara - eye makeup
McKennock - person who fixes cars
Mere - Mayor
Leather - foam produced from soap
Lift - departed
Kiri Pecker - famous Australian businessman
Little crusps - potato chips
Ken's - Cairns
Jumbo - pet name for someone called Jim
Jungle Bills - Christmas carol
Inner me - enemy
Guess - vapour
Fush - marine creatures
Fitter cheney - type of pasta
Ever cardeau - avocado
Fear hear - blonde
Ear - mix of nitrogen and oxygen
Ear roebucks - exercise at the gym
Duffy cult - not easy
Amejen - visualise
Day old chuck - very young poultry
Bug hut - popular recording
Bun button - been bitten by insect
Beard - a place to sleep
Chully Bun - Esky
Sucks Peck - Half a dozen beers
Ear New Zulland - an extinct airline
Beers - large savage animals found in U.S. forests
Veerjun - mythical New Zealand maiden
One Doze - well known computer program
Brudge - structure spanning a stream
Sex - one less than sivven
Tin - one more than nine
Iggs Ecktly - Precisely
Earplane - large flying machine
Beggage Chucken - place to leave your suitcase at the earport
Sivven Sucks Sivven - large Boeing aircraft
Sivven Four Sivven - larger Boeing aircraft
Cuds - children
Pits - domestic animals
74 Yamaha YZ's - 75 Yamaha YZ's
74 Yamaha  flattracker's
70  Jawa 2 valve speedway's

For sale -  PRE 75 Yamaha MX stuff, frame, motors and parts also some YAM DT1,2,A and Suzi TS bikes and stuff

Offline Wombat

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #8 on: May 08, 2008, 06:18:19 PM »
The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so profound that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.
 
Bonus Question:

Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
 

One student,however, wrote the following:
 
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time.
So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave.
Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different Religions that exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.
Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you, and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.
The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct...leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting Oh my God.
"Whadaya mean it's too loud?! It's a f*ckin' race bike!! That pipe makes it go louder - and look faster!!"

mx250

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #9 on: May 12, 2008, 10:09:14 AM »

mx250

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #10 on: May 12, 2008, 04:37:22 PM »


Do not try this at home  ;D

YSS

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #11 on: May 12, 2008, 05:06:44 PM »
10 out of 10 for that one . :D

Offline Wombat

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #12 on: May 12, 2008, 05:11:36 PM »
HA!! but how did she explain it to Dad when he hauled the wardrobe of her?
"Whadaya mean it's too loud?! It's a f*ckin' race bike!! That pipe makes it go louder - and look faster!!"

mx250

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #13 on: May 13, 2008, 10:34:11 AM »
Some of this is corny and predictable. The last will have your eyes tearing for both reasons. ;) :D ;D.


mx250

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #14 on: May 14, 2008, 08:31:36 AM »
The Tiny Pianist


A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and
places the bag on the counter. The bartender walks up
and asks what's in the bag.

The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about
one foot high and sets him on the counter. He reaches back
into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter
as well. He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano.


The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a
beautiful piece by Mozart! 'Where on earth did you get that?' says the bartender.

The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says: 'Here. Rub it.'

So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him. 'I will grant you one wish. Just ! one wish~~ each person is only allowed one!'

The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, 'I want a million bucks!' A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar.


It is soon followed by another duck, then another. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming!


The bartender turns to the man and says, 'Y'know, I think your genie's a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks.'

'Tell me about it!!' says the man,
'do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?