Funnies/Jokes

[FAT-TOY]

As a senior citizen was driving down the motorway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, " Vernon , I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on M25. Please be careful!" "Hell," said Vernon , "It's not just one car.. It's hundreds of them!"

[FAT-TOY]

Marriage changes passion.
Suddenly you're in bed with a relative



Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.



I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing.
If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

[Curly3]

Very good Fat.
Has anyone recently heard from or spoken to Graeme ( MX250 ) who started this thread?
A good fella.

[Rosco]

1000 men were polled as to what they most liked about oral sex.

The unanimous consensus of opinion was,

The peace and quiet!

[crankpin]

Bananas
A monkey goes into a bar and asks the barman:
Do you have any bananas?
No,I don't. ( says the barman)
Do you have any bananas? (asks the monkey)
No,I have not got any bananas!!!
Do you have any bananas?
If you ask me that question one more time, I'll nail your tongue to the counter!!!
Do you have any nails?
No,I don't.
Do you have any bananas?

[Rosco]

Just got back from a holiday in Thailand, and came very close to shagging a ladyman.
Looked like a woman,
Spoke like a woman,
Walked like a woman and
Kissed like a woman.
It was only when she was driving me back to her place and reverse parked into a narrow parking space with no problem, I thought...
Wait a f***cking minute...

 

[YZ250H]

Has anyone recently heard from or spoken to Graeme ( MX250 ) who started this thread?
A good fella.

+1

[Hoony]

only 2 ways to understand women


no bloke has ever worked out either of them.................................

[Toolboy]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert.
 After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says,
 'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see? '

'The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'
 
'What that tell you?' asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders deeply for a minute then says,
 'Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
 Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.
 Time wise, it appears to be about quarter past three in the morning.
Theologically, that the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.
 Meteorologically, it predicts a beautiful day tomorrow.
 

What's it tell you, Tonto?'
 
'You dumber than buffalo sh1t. It mean someone stole tent'

[Tim754]

Two fish in a tank, one turns to the other asks ,you know how to drive this thing...............

[Tony T]

Two fish in a tank, one turns to the other asks ,you know how to drive this thing...............

Thanks a lot, Tim!


Beer just shot out my nose...........   

[pancho]

  At a recent funeral I saw two blokes walking around carrying a coffin.

 Half an hour later I saw them wandering around again.

  Looks like they lost the plot.


  The other night my missus was counting out some fifty cent coins along with some 20c and 5c pieces, she suddenly started balling her eyes out.

  Looks like she's going through the change.


  Thank you Mr. Dangerfield.

[FAT-TOY]

It's Christmas morning and as the little boy comes down the stairway, he sees his Dad in his nightshirt arranging presents under the tree. "Hi Dad! Who's getting the bagpipes?"

Quasimodo is sitting in the kitchen when his mother comes in, carrying a wok. He says, "I love Chinese food!". Quasimodo's mother says, "No, I'm going to use this to iron your shirts!"

How do you write zero in Roman numerals?

How many weeks are there in a light year?

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out

"Doctor, I have a memory problem!" The doctor says, "When did it start?" "When did what start?"

I just bought a new toilet brush. I still prefer paper, though

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog is cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do for him?" The vet says, "Well, let's have a look at him." So the vet picks the dog up while examining his eyes. Finally he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Just because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really, really heavy."

90% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house. 10% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife.

The doctor tells his patient, "I've got good news and bad news. The good news is we're going to name a disease after you."

Why do women have smaller feet than men? So they can stand closer to the sink

I have CDO. It's like Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, but in alphabetical order as it should be

I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain

A doctor says to a patient, "I've got good news and bad news. The bad news is I amputated the wrong leg. The good news is your bad leg is getting better!"

A homeless guy came up to me, "I haven't eaten all day". I said, "Good, then you won't get cramps if you go swimming."

The man was very frantic,  you have to get over here, my house is on fire!" The Fire  Chief said, "Calm down, how do we get to your house?" The man said, "Don't you have those big red trucks anymore?"

[VMX247]

The  teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:  Get their parents to tell them  a story with a moral at the end of it. 
The  next day, the kids came back and, one by one,  began to tell their stories.
There were  all the regular types of stuff:  spilled  milk and pennies saved.  But then the  teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Janie was left.
"Janie, do you have a  story to share?"
'Yes ma'am.  My  daddy told me a story about my Mummy.  She  was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit.  She had to bail out over  enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. 
She drank the  whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't  break, and then her parachute landed her right  in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of  them with the pistol, until she ran out of  bullets, killed four more with the knife, till  the blade broke, and then she killed the last  Iraqi with her bare hands."
''Good  Heavens,' said the horrified teacher.  What  did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this  horrible story?"
"Don't f**k with Mummy  when she's been on the  piss."
     
     
 

[odd1]

Young Irish girl talking to her mother, says her hands are cold, so her mother tells her to put them between her legs to warm them up which she does.
Next night she is with her boyfriend and he says my hands are cold, so she says put them between my legs to warm them which he does , then he says my penis is cold! Anyway the next morning the girl is talking to her mother and asks her if she had heard of a penis, the mother says yes dear why? The girl says they sure make mess when they thaw out.