this is most definately an oldie, but I did a search and couldn't see that it had been posted before so...
Hope those who haven't seen it before will enjoy.
Tool Definitions
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HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer
nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive
parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.
MECHANIC’S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
cardboard cartons delivered to your front door. Works
particularly well on boxes containing seats and motorcycle
jackets.
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets
in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great
for drilling mounting holes in fenders just above the brake line
that goes to the rear wheel.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija
board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked,
unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its
course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is
available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat
to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETELENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various
flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for
igniting the grease inside a brake drum you’re trying to get the
bearing race out of.
WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars
and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that
9/16 or ½ socket you’ve been searching for the last 15
minutes.
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching
flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in
the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it
against that freshly painted part you were drying.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them
somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also
removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in
about the time it takes you to say, “Ouc....”
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a motorcycle to the
ground after you have installed your new front disk brake setup,
trapping the jack handle firmly under the front fender.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a motorcycle
upward off a hydraulic jack.
TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.
PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another
hydraulic floor jack.
SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool
for spreading mayonnaise used mainly for getting dog-doo off your
boot.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt
holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.
TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease
buildup.
TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the
tensile strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have
forgotten to disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN ½ x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying
tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip
on the end without the handle.
BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring
sulfuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox
after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just
as you thought.
AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic’s own tanning booth. Sometimes
called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, “the
sunshine vitamin,” which is not otherwise found under motorcycles
at night. Health benefits aside, it’s main purpose is to consume
40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer
shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the
Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is
somewhat misleading.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style
paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt can also be
used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a
coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into
compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact
wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 40 years ago by
someone in Sindelfingen, and rounds them off.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip
or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent
part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses ½ inch too short.
