Author Topic: Funnies/Jokes  (Read 626489 times)

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YSS

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #75 on: July 18, 2008, 03:46:35 PM »
Allison , I imagined your legs to look a bit different  ;D

Offline Wombat

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #76 on: July 18, 2008, 06:35:33 PM »
steven found it on a carby website hunt

What interesting tattoos would we find on a 'radiator' web hunt? ::) :-\
Tatts are a very personal thing - but a carby?! :o ???
"Whadaya mean it's too loud?! It's a f*ckin' race bike!! That pipe makes it go louder - and look faster!!"

Offline Wombat

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #77 on: July 18, 2008, 09:54:44 PM »
Siamese twins walk into a pub in Toronto and park themselves on a bar stool. 
One of them says to the bartender, 'Don't mind us, we're joined at  the hip.
I'm John, he's Jim.
Two Molson Canadian beers please'.

The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers.
'Been on holiday yet, lads?'
'Off to England next month,' says John.
'We go to England every year and hire a car and drive for miles, don't we, Jim?'
Jim agrees.
 
'Ah, England!' says the bartender. 'Wonderful country... the history, the beer, the culture...' 
'Nah, we don't like that British crap,' says John. 'Hamburgers & Molson's beer, that's us, eh Jim?
And we can't stand the English - they're so arrogant and rude.' 
'So why keep going to England ?' asks the bartender.
 
 'It's the only chance Jim gets to drive.'
"Whadaya mean it's too loud?! It's a f*ckin' race bike!! That pipe makes it go louder - and look faster!!"

mx250

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #78 on: July 21, 2008, 10:55:40 AM »


I think you forgot to mention 'clouded judgement' and rampant ego.

mx250

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #79 on: July 21, 2008, 10:57:11 AM »
To be topical ;D

Just arrived in Sydney and after getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.

'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver,

'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'

'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today.'

'I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job!'


And what if something should happen?' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

'There might be something extra in it for you,' says the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets
his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

'Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal
until they hear sirens. 'Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license,' moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.

'So bust him,' says the Chief.

'I don't think we want to do that - he's really important,' said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed, 'All the more reason!'

'No, I mean really important,' said the cop.

The Chief then asked, 'Who have you got there, the Mayor?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: 'Governor?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

'Well,' said the Chief, 'Who is it?'

Cop: 'I think it's God!'

Chief: 'What makes you think it's God?'


...


...


...


...


...


Cop: 'He's got the f**ing Pope as a chauffeur!'


Quicksilver

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #80 on: July 25, 2008, 04:01:45 PM »


A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, 'Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later.'
The nun agreed.
A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, Sister, have you seen a soldier?'
The nun replied, 'He went that way.'

After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said,
'I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to Iraq .'
The nun said, 'I understand completely.'

The soldier added, 'I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!'
The nun replied, 'If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls....I don't want to go to Iraq either.'

Rosco400

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #81 on: July 25, 2008, 04:37:56 PM »
An Aussie, Kiwi & South African are sitting around having a few shots of whisky.

They have a skull down out of the shot glasses and all of a sudden, the South African pulls out a pistol, throws his glass in the air and shoots it to smithereens then yells out, in South Africa, we have so many diamonds to pay for the glasses we dont have to drink from the same one twice.

They have another skull down out of the shot glasses and all of a sudden, the Kiwi pulls out a pistol, throws his glass in the air and shoots it to smithereens then yells out, in EnZud we have so many sheep to sell to pay for the glasses we dont have to drink from the same one twice.

They have another skull down out of the shot glasses and all of a sudden, the Aussie pulls out a pistol, throws his glass in the air and shoots the Kiwi and the South African dead then yells out, in Australia, we have so many Kiwis and South Africans we dont have to drink with the same one twice. :D



« Last Edit: July 25, 2008, 04:39:40 PM by Rosco400 »

Offline matcho mick

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #82 on: July 26, 2008, 11:46:08 PM »
the seven Dwarfs got to the Vatican,& because they're ARE the seven Dwarfs they're immediatly ushered in to see the Pope

Grumpy leads the group

Grumpy my son ,"how can i help you"

Grumpy asked,"your excellency,are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?"

the pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question,thinks for a moment &  answers,"no grumpy,there are no dwarf nuns in Rome"

in the backgroung a few of the dwarfs start giggling

Grumpy turns around & glares, silencing them

Grumpy turns back,"your Worship,are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?"

the Pope puzzled now,again thinks for a moment & answers,"no Grumpy,there are no dwarf nuns in all of Europe"

this time all of the dwarfs burst out laughing

once again Grumpy turns around & silences them with a angry glare

Mr Pope,"are there ANY dwarf nuns ANYWHERE in the world"

the Pope really confused by these questions says,'i'm sorry my son there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world"

the other dwarfs collapse in a heap,rolling & laughing,pounding the floor,tears rolling down their cheeks,as they begin chanting



Grumpy screwed a penquin"

"Grumpy screwed a penquin"
work,the curse of the racing class!!
if a hammer dosn't fix it,you have a electrical problem!!

mx250

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #83 on: July 27, 2008, 08:53:16 AM »
'If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls....I don't want to go to Iraq either.'

Not wanting to go to Iraq?!! I'd say he had no balls at all ;D ::) ;D.

mx250

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #84 on: July 30, 2008, 07:12:07 PM »

Offline Wombat

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #85 on: July 31, 2008, 04:16:17 PM »
One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell.  As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with The devil...
Satan: 'Why so glum?'
Guy: 'What do you think?  I'm in hell!'
Satan: 'Hell's not so bad.  We actually have a lot of Fun down here.
You a drinking man?' 
Guy: 'Sure, I love to drink.'
Satan: 'Well, you're gonna love Mondays then.  On Mondays, that's all we do is drink.  Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, Tab and Fresca.
We drink 'til we throw up, and then we drink some more!  And You don't have to worry about getting a hangover, Because you're dead anyway.'
Guy: 'Gee that sounds great!'
Satan: 'You a smoker?'
Guy: 'You better believe it'
Satan: 'All right!  You're gonna love Tuesdays.  We Get the finest cigars from all over the world, and Smoke our lungs out.  If you get cancer - no biggie, You're already dead, remember?'
Guy: 'Wow...that's awesome!'
Satan: 'I bet you like to gamble.'
Guy: 'Why, yes, as a matter of fact I do.'
Satan: 'Good, 'cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you Want.  Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, Whatever.  If you go bankrupt, it doesn't matter, You're dead anyhow.'
Guy: 'Cool!'
Satan: 'What about drugs?'
Guy: 'Are you kidding?  Love drugs!  You don't Mean...?'
Satan: 'That's right!  Thursday is drug day.  Help Yourself to a great big bowl of crack or smack.  Smoke A doobie the size of a submarine.
You can do all the Drugs you want.  You're dead so who cares.'
Guy: 'Wow!  I never realized Hell was such a cool Place!'
Satan: 'You gay?'
Guy: 'No...'

Satan: 'Oooo, Fridays are gonna be tough...'
"Whadaya mean it's too loud?! It's a f*ckin' race bike!! That pipe makes it go louder - and look faster!!"

mx250

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #86 on: August 01, 2008, 05:22:25 PM »
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up
to the pharmacist, looked him straight in the eyes, and said, 'I would like to buy some cyanide.'

The pharmacist asked, 'Why in the world do you need cyanide?'

The lady replied, 'I need it to poison my husband.'

The pharmacist's eyes widened in horror and he exclaimed, 'Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband.  That's against the law!  I'll lose my license! They'll throw us both in jail!  All kinds of bad things will happen.  Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!'

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, 'Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription.'  ;D ;D ;D ;D
 


mx250

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #87 on: August 01, 2008, 06:00:12 PM »
There's some mystical connection between Harleys and stupidity :o ::) ;D.

Something that makes this just sooo believable ;D

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CsSTwuOKRKI&feature=related

Offline Wombat

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #88 on: August 09, 2008, 08:09:45 AM »
Plenty of truth in those eleven gems!!
"Whadaya mean it's too loud?! It's a f*ckin' race bike!! That pipe makes it go louder - and look faster!!"

mx250

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #89 on: August 12, 2008, 06:41:35 PM »
Politicallt incorrect but funny,

http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/ea0b05d406