Author Topic: Funnies/Jokes  (Read 353243 times)

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Offline FAT-TOY

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #2355 on: December 18, 2016, 07:26:37 PM »
"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz SL500."
Lynn Lavner
 
"It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."
George Burns
 
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship."
Sharon Stone


"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
Tiger Woods
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
Jack Nicholson
 
"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)

"Ah yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
Robin Williams
"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women.
They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
Robert De Niro
"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
Dustin Hoffman
 
"It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom."
Joan Rivers
 
 Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy.
Steve Martin
 
"You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older.  Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman.  Stuff you pay good money for later in life."
Elmo Phillips
 
 "Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."
Oscar Wilde
Everyday I find one more name to add to the list of people who piss me off.

Offline FAT-TOY

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #2356 on: December 22, 2016, 06:30:03 PM »
One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he
asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money
from you, I'm doing community service this week.'
The florist was pleased and left the shop.
 
When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a
'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
 
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill,
the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing
community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.
 
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank
you ' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
 
Then a Member of Parliament came in for a haircut, and when he went to
pay his bill , the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from
you. I'm doing community service this week.'  The Member of Parliament
was very happy and left the shop.
 
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen
Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut.
 
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between
the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.
Everyday I find one more name to add to the list of people who piss me off.

Offline 80-85 husky

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #2357 on: May 30, 2017, 08:54:58 AM »
Its been a while but I got this from (of all places ::)) a pommy car forum....

enjoy ;D

A young jackaroo from outback Queensland goes off to university, but halfway through the semester he foolishly has squandered all of his money.

 He calls home. 'Dad,' he says, 'you won't believe what modern education is developing.. They actually have a program here in Brisbane that will teach our dog Ol' Blue how to talk.'

 'That's amazing!' his Dad says. 'How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?'

 'Just send him down here with $2,000,' the young jackaroo says, 'I'll get him in the course.'

 So ... his father sends the dog and $2,000.

 About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home. 'So how's Ol' Blue doing, son?' his father wants to know?'

 'Awesome! Dad, he's talking up a storm... But you just won't believe this. They've had such good results with talking, they've begun to teach the animals how to read.'

 'Read?' exclaims his father. 'No kidding! How do we get Ol' Blue in that program?'

 'Just send $4,500. I'll get him in the class.'

 The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk nor read.

 So he shoots the dog. When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.

 'Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to talk with him, and see him read something!'

 'Dad,' the boy says, 'I have some grim news.

 Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal. Then he suddenly turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still bonking that little redhead barmaid at the pub?''

 The father groans and whispers, 'I hope you shot that S.O.B. before he talks to your Mother!'

 'I sure did, Dad!'

 'That's my boy!'

 The kid went on to be a successful lawyer.

Offline 80-85 husky

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #2358 on: October 04, 2017, 09:00:10 PM »
This is a story of a cool headed woman and a small calibre pistol against a fierce large predator. Whats the smallest calibre required"to protect you?? A Beretta JetFire .22
She says "i was out walking alongside the pond near my house with my soon to be Ex husband discussing property settlement and other divorce issues when we were charged by a 4 metre alligator intent on dinner."
"If it wasn't for the Jetfire 22 i wouldn't be here today!"
"Just 1 shot into the ex husbands kneecap was all that was required and the Gator got him easily while i walked away unharmed".
"Its one of the best pistols in my collection, saved me plenty in alimony, lawyers fees and the life insurance was a bonus!!"
"Thank You Beretta.."

Offline Mick D

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #2359 on: December 07, 2017, 11:26:59 AM »
"light weight, and it works great"  :)

Offline xel93

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #2360 on: December 08, 2017, 08:59:14 AM »
An elderly couple are having dinner to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary.

 The old man leans forward and says to his wife, "I want to assure you that these 50 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for and your answer will never take all that away.

 'But it has always bothered me that our fifth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. I must know, did he have a different father?"

 The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, pauses for moment and then confesses. "Yes, he did."

 "Who was he?" her husband asks.

 The woman pauses, gulps down her wine and finally says, "You."

Offline matcho mick

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #2361 on: December 08, 2017, 12:39:12 PM »
finally an embarrassed husband goes to his doctor,tells his doctor he's having trouble getting an erection,& it's causing problems with his wife
the doctor checks his blood pressure,& other vitals,all seemed fine,after a thorough examination,doc asks to see his wife
when she arrived,doc places her in another cubicle,then asks her to disrobe,then asks her to rotate slowly,then raise her hands above her head & rotate slowly again,then he asks her to touch her toes,& cough,having finished his examination,he then asks her to dress,leaving her he goes back to the waiting husband in the other cubicle,
you can relax now,theres absolutely nothing wrong with you,i couldn't get an erection either!!
work,the curse of the racing class!!
if a hammer dosn't fix it,you have a electrical problem!!

Offline xel93

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #2362 on: Yesterday at 04:45:51 PM »

During a dull Parliament House dinner,
 Chloe Shorten leaned over to chat with Governor General Cosgrove.

"I bought Bill a parrot for his birthday.
 That bird is so smart,
 Bill has already taught him to say over two hundred words!"

“Very impressive," said Cosgrove,
 "but, you do realise he just speaks the words.
 He doesn't really understand what they all mean.”

"Oh, I know", replied Chloe,
“but neither does the parrot."



An Irishman, named Paddy,(what else), inherited his Uncles  house when he passed away, and  he came across 2 old Stuffed German Pointer Dogs. So, Paddy, thought to himself he would take them to the Antique Roadshow and have them appraised.
 "Oh, my goodness," said the presenter, "These are a very rare set indeed, made by the British Taxidermy Company, in the late 17th century. Do you have any idea what they would fetch in good condition?"  the presenter asked.


 Paddy paused then said "Sticks."